Rants

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I'm sure I've said this before, but I am sick and tired of wondering what I've done wrong. Talking about real life, not online, I make friends with someone, it seems to be going fine and we have nice times. Then suddenly BANG! They disappear. A couple of times I've asked why they aren't contacting me anymore, and they get angry and say I made them upset/angry by saying something awful. It is always something I said months ago so I can't remember saying it or even having a disagreement with them, so I'm confused. Even if they actually tell me what it was I said, it doesn't make sense or they've misunderstood.

I read these comments by an autistic academic. He said that the adult autist often:

- Finds it hard to make and keep friends, and their friendships tend to abruptly end after an unexpected conflict.
- Is somehow the villain in every social conflict they find themselves in, being unfairly labelled: dramatic, rude, abrupt, selfish, rigid and uncaring.

That sums me up 100%, but I never understand why. My friendships end abruptly. Apparently I'm always in the wrong too.

So I've given up on friendship now. I won't make an effort in real life anymore, I'll just go along by myself and do my own thing. I'm exhausted, worn out, drained. It means that when/if I'm widowed I'll be totally alone but I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

I'm not sure what I'll say when I see the latest of these so-called friends in the village sometime, but I'll probably just be non-committal and make small talk, as much as I can. Even just 'hello, nice day isn't it.' lol. Or wait for her to speak first.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Feeling depressed. I hate being me. Therapy didn't work for my agoraphobia. People say "you just have to push yourself to go out" but even when I do it doesn't lessen the agoraphobia. I just get exhausted from masking my anxiety attacks in public then feel relieved when I get home. I could go out every day of the week and still feel anxious like that. I'm scared of the public. And knowing that I'm an easy target doesn't help. It is best I don't go out, then they'll have to look for a different easy target.
My therapist kept on drumming it into me that I'm not this weird freak I see myself as and that people are not staring and pointing and laughing at me, and that subtle non-obvious "body language" does not scream out "I'm weird!! !" to strangers, but I still see myself as a freak who people are pointing and laughing at.
f**k body language I hate those two words.

I don't know that there's an up anymore. Something needs to radically change but I don't have the tools to do it on my own.

I don't have wealth, any talent I might be considered as having is squandered by my inability to focus, I don't have friendship or a partner to lean on...what do I have? Just numbness, sadness, occasionally anger then regret.

I could get back on my antidepressant but then I'll be numb and can't ***. Of course, maybe that's for the better, as sexual urges often require other people to be involved, and I am completely and utterly exhausted with the drama that comes from other people, as well as by proxy somehow scarring them when they stumble into my s**tshow.

Plus I literally need like $20k of implants just so my smile is presentable again. I feel like an exception to "it gets better." It gets better if you have money, people who love you, and a half-functioning brain. I can have maybe half of one of those things on a good day.

I often wonder if there should be a national database of everyone so we can all find lovers and/or friends. A database which profiles everyone so we can quickly find compatible people and meet up with them.

Of course that is extremely Big Brother and many people won't want to be on the database.

Tried to refill prescription on Walgreen's app. It told me to phone the pharmacy. Last Monday and this Monday and last Thursday, I phoned Walgreen's for my prescription. Two phone calls each day. 45 to 119 minutes per phone call. On hold. Then it hung up. Did not get a chance to talk to a pharmacist. E-mailed nurse about it. Nurse told me that some of the other pharmacies answered the phone more often. So switched to a different pharmacy. (But, of course, that pharmacy might be better or worse than the current one.) Some patients have no phone or Internet access. Some patients are dependent on prescriptions to continue living. What do they do? This is the first time Walgreen's put me on hold for more than a couple minutes. However, there were plenty of times when the prescription was delayed due to problems with the insurance. Also, the prescription is for 150mg per two weeks, and I only take one dose every four weeks or so. Been doing that for over a year, and got about 10 extra doses. Prepared for when the pharmacy or insurance won't cooperate. (Fine). But the collection of extra doses could only last for so long. The pharmacy and insurance could do anything it wants, legal or illegal, and the only way to stop it is by winning a civil lawsuit.
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Emotional overeating. Grub tastes good. Been cold weather lately, and eating raises body temperature. Feel like pants too narrow. Have to waste a lot of time, cash, and energy to get more pants. Thank Buddha my slave plantation allows sweatpants.

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5pm dark. Sometimes raining. Even if I take the bus home from work, sometimes I end up not going to Safeway or Whole Foods, because it's too close to after hours for the bus. After hours, the bus only comes once every 30 minutes or so, officially, but it doesn't always come as scheduled.
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When it's raining, my shoes get drenched from before 10am til after 5pm. Cold feet, numb. Worried about getting sick. A rainsuit makes my scales itchy. Eczema. Tracksuit pants are better, not not good enough.

My Pigpen's heater does not work. The space heater, even after being left on full blast overnight, you could still touch, without getting burned, although it is a little warmer than when it is off.

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Some customers drive like "Grand Theft Auto" and every day I almost get hit with a car a couple of times.
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Sometimes it takes a long time to fall asleep, or wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep, or wake up early.
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About three weeks ago, they put a box in the parking lot for a security guard. And they have been telling the day laborers to get out the parking lot. Much better than before. But sometimes some day laborers still sneak back inside and loiter around. Some of the day laborers have the nerve to scream "Chino!" @ me. Last year, a day laborer had the nerve to reach under the bathroom partition and stomp on my foot with his paw and I screamed. He did that on five different days and I had to keep tattling on him. Finally he stopped. However, he's keeps coming back to the parking lot almost every day. Nobody ever told me that he was banned, and they have no method of enforcing the ban. The day laborers creep me out. They are like an infestation of mice. A gang. There are so many of them. They get there before sunrise and leave after sunset. They make too much noise. They have the nerve to laugh at me when I almost get hit by a car. (Why the f**k hasn't Home Depot gotten rid of those ass holes?) They go to the litterbox too often and stay too long.
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Feet often hurt. Getting older and heavier and unhealthier. Plenty of people much older, heavier, fatter, unhealthier, than me, work more hours than me. Restaurant, retail, sales, manual labor. All stand up. How do they do it? Only 39. Even if I don't get hit by a car, and nothing drastic occurs, I find it hard to imagine handling the current dumpster fire "job" until 65 or retirement. Maybe a car will run over my worthless corpse and then I will be dead. Thank Buddha.

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Not enough litterboxes at work. Litterboxes often out of order, or janitor. Frequent, urgent urges to urinate and defecate. Paranoid, won't get to the litterbox on time. Customers and day laborers monopolize and vandalize the litterbox. "Mens" and "womens" litterboxes only. No gender neutral litterboxes.

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Some lot lizards, like Steve and Javell, waste a lot of time sitting around the sod on the phone. Tattletale Tom apparently doesn't bark @ them. But Tattletale Tom has barked @ me over and over and over. Tattletale Tom is "in" with the manager. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission does not recognize "failure to have sex with the manager" as a protected class, so that is not "discrimination". Tattletale Tom and the other slaves in the plantation are doing their "best". The training videos say that "as long as you are doing your best, you are always good with Home Depot." Doing your "best" is better than doing your "worst", but some lil dipshits are so lazy, incompetent, and inefficient, their "best" is not that great. Imagine, if a surgeon could just do their "best" and be good with the company. They also need malpractice insurance.
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Been getting physically weaker and slower and less coordinated. And was never that great in the first place. Every time a customer has the nerve to make me load something heavy (sometimes a couple times a day), I have to beg another slave to do it for me, and they often refuse. In the meantime, sometimes the customer is in my face barking @ me. (rolls eyes). (If I worked in an office, there would be no customers and no "customer always right").

Slave plantation contains many tripping hazards.

Slave plantation in the middle of a homeless encampment.

off leash dogs

Bart and bus frequently delayed or cancelled.

Sometimes, have to urinate, but some lil dipshits are loitering in the bushes, so I am afraid they will bother me, so I do not urinate.

Idiots mispronouncing my name.

"Huh" and "what" instead of "excuse me"

Psychobabble extroverts

Cory changed e-mail addresses and didn't tell me his next one.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead.

Earning minimum wage. Dead end "job". Sooner or later, will be too disabled, old, injured, weak, slow, sick to work that job. then unemployed. Nobody will ever make the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse again.

Exhausted all the time.

Zero precious lil "friends".

Tattletale Tom keeps complaining that I am not doing enough work, but he's the one sitting around in his car and talking to every precious lil "person". Not me. But Tattletale Tom is "in" with the manager or having sex with the manager, so I can't do anything about it. ("at will" employer). Paranoid he is going to plant some merchandise in my purse and get me made redundant.

Dena keeps taking Kayla b***h's side. Dena's the closest thing to a "friend" that I have, but she had the nerve to refuse to say "excuse me" instead of "what?". Dena has refused to drive me home from aikido. Dena had the nerve to take Kayla b***h and Rolando Penis' side about the "breathing incident". Kayla b***h has been violating the Fair Labor Standards Act for Buddha knows how long. She has plenty of slaves. The slaves come in a couple times a week for a couple hours and do a lot of work for Kayla b***h, for free. It is illegal for "for profit" businesses to take volunteers. Kayla b***h's company is a "for profit" business. Kayla b***h and Rolando Penis put on all that "smoke and mirrors" about "unity and diversity" and "we care about you", but all Kayla b***h cares about is herself and $$$.

Despite a BA in Cognitive Science and an AA in Accounting, I still have to push carts and load merchandise as a dumpster fire "job".

My worthless corpse flunked out of structural engineering.

SSRI's have not had any significant positive effect.

dissociated, disturbed, clinically depressed, autistic, detached, despondent

Lil dipshits, esp @ work, talk too much and too loud and gimmie a headache.

A disproportionate number of customers appear suspicious and dangerous, but they are just homeless and dirty. They are not doing anything illegal, and I do not have the "right" to tattle on them. Nor do I have the "right" to tell them to leave the building. Only salaried managers can do that.

Nobody wants to date my worthless corpse.

I hate how humans are so greedy for money. Yes we all like to have money to live but a lot of people are just greedy. "Money" is always the answer to every question I ask. I wish I were an animal.

Oh I hear you loud and clear. It's caused by capitalism and the trickle down economy. Money does not 'trickle down' from rich people. They hoard it so the rest of us get hardly any. So rich people are obsessed with getting lots of money and we are obsessed with getting even a little money.

We need to reboot society or the human race in fact.

I was pissed off because there's no daytime work at my job any more due to the company saving money, so now I have to work evenings/nights but I preferred the daytime shift. When I asked why there's no longer work for me in the daytime the answer was "because money".
Money, money, money.

Yeah....I know what you mean. I wouldn't like to work the day shift myself. I work nights on my job.

It's weird that they don't have work for the daytime. Buses have to be cleaned during the daytime.

They do night shifts for civil servants?

Night shifts are like marmite too. Some love them, some hate them but when I work them I have a tendency to enjoy them until my brain finally gives out. I fell asleep once on the floor laying like a log in the draftsmans office.

I good way of viewing night shifts is that they're usually calmer.

I've mostly work the night shift since 1980. Actually, it's 2nd shift----the evening shift.

I worked days during the 1990s; I went back on evenings in 2000.

The coaches are all out during the day. Ideally there's supposed to be spare coaches but because of "money" they've taken away all the spare buses so I have nothing until the evening.

Yes...what happened to community, love, empathy, sharing good times, caring for each other etc?

Money doesn't make the world go round, it is an abstract thing that we pass around to each other.

^You're asking the same questions they asked in the 1950s (in the US). Part of the answer became the 1960s, in both its good and bad aspects. So who knows? Maybe "history will repeat itself." Who knows?

There has to be an answer; otherwise, we might devolve into a sort of unpleasurable decadence.

History does tend to repeat itself doesn't it. Or the pendulum goes to one extreme and then the other.

I remember the 1980s. Greed, greed and more greed. Then there were financial crashes and in the 1990s life became a bit more caring and kindly.

Something certainly has to give