Rants

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I hate my things being touched.

Unfortunately my room doesn't have a working electric socket, so all I have is a really long extension.

Then this extension was expired at Monday.
Went and replaced it here and there with extra extensions.

When I got home from work, fricking tired to a point that I had a nap.
Mom just had a gall to tell me to buy some food -- and that I would add more than she gave.


But then mom moved the extension set up by having 2 extensions -- one of the extensions was being used downstairs.

I don't want it.
I don't wanna fricking bother.
Why would she do that?!

AND SHE CALLED ME FEEBLEMINDED FOR REFUSING TO DO IT.
SHE FRICKING TOUCH IT AND I WAS FRICKING TIRED.

AND MY LONG WEEKEND REST WAS USELESS NO THANKS TO THIS FRICKING HORMONES. AND SHE HAD A FRICKIN GALL TO TELL ME TO GET OUT AND HAVE FOOD.


THIS IS THE LAST STRAW.

I WILL NEVER HELP HER WITH ANYTHING RELATED TO TECHNOLOGY EVER AGAIN.

I hadn't spoke to her for a week now.
But you know what? Maybe she's also the damn reason I'm raging a lot.

I could care less anymore.
I will never accept any of her offerings. I could fricking care less how affectionate she acts.

I'll just do as I've been slowly planning for years -- have my own space. THAT NO ONE TOUCHES.
Away from anyone.

Away from her.

I don't fricking care if she changed. In fact I don't even believed that she did -- she's just putting up with me.

I will never believe her anymore.
And love?? I'll gladly throw it away.

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I am so sick of doing the same things every single day, but I can't do anything but the same things or I will get severely overwhelmed, and it will contribute to me getting more and more burnt out.

People are fkn weird.

I had this good friend on a certain bird social media site but when she realised I was spending most of my time on a certain elephant site, she tried it but couldn't understand how it worked. I can't see the difference between the sites except the elephant doesn't have adverts, algorithms or fascists.

So now she's gone off in a huff because I prefer the elephant site and only pop into the bird site occasionally. I suppose everyone sees things differently but I can't understand the problem. I'm happy to keep in touch with her on the bird site, I'm not cutting her off.

She has the same political beliefs as me, she doesn't like Elon, or racism, homophobia, misogyny etc. and we generally share the same worldview. But now me moving to the elephant has annoyed her. I dunno.

God how much I wish I were NT. They are allowed to not understand things, be convinced of something that isn't true, and even bully those who are different, and still get called empathetic. In fact the definition of their empathy is being able to bully.

But if you're on the f*****g cursed autism spectrum, you can offer emotional support in most situations, help others, try to understand other people instead of bullying, consider people's feelings, bend over backwards to please others, all while trying to get by in one piece in such a scary world whilst dealing with sensory issues and misunderstanding and hostility from the world - yet there's one thing we may not understand, because we are only humans after all, and we get the "you're lacking empathy!" s**t thrown in our faces.

f*****g unfair. This is why I don't tell anyone offline that I have such a sh***y curse. Everyone suddenly focuses on empathy and uses it as a weapon.

f**k AUTISM f**k AUTISM

Nothing to report.
Damn!

I wish I wasn't an emotional person. Or rather, I wish I don't have an emotion to regulate at all. Having a female body never helps the matter.

My emotions bring nothing but problems to me and others. Emotions are the reason why I'm fricking naive, a liability and close minded.

It didn't matter whether I confront or express it -- as long as anyone else is involved, it's not worth it.

I wish I know how to perfect self regulation, where I don't need anyone to release the damn luggage.


Embarrassment is one damn thing.
It's entirely another if it inconveniences, or worse, endangers.


And no.
'Hollowness' and the so-called 'emptiness' is still an emotion to regulate.
Depression is still a sensation that is absence -- which is still something to regulate. Apathy, like numbness, is still a sensation to manage.

True emptiness... Is bliss. There is nothing to manage there. And there's no problems that were born from it either.
To compare that from your typical definition of feeling nothing is like comparing the act of closing one's eyes from dying.

I've only been truly happy once -- it was for no apparent reason and all the sudden...

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I woke up feeling anxious and kind of suicidal. What the actual f**k is wrong with my brain.

I'm still angry at my mom.

Her specifically asking me anything about the net, I'd just glare. And rant.

Never had a conversation for weeks now.


And the most damnable part of all?
I can definitely imagine living this way for the rest of my life.

The idea of just leaving and moving out just... Entices me. Cutting her off completely.
Leaving her alone to the world aging. Duty and promises be damned.

It's like a childhood dream come true.
Literally -- I dreamed of that as a child. I dreamed of that as a teenager.

A part of me is guilty or sad.
But enough is enough. I will kill this side of me for being a nuisance, no matter how painful it will be.
Looking back, just brings me memories of her ignorance.

I did not learn a lot of good from her to be honest. I do not care if it's because she was younger and less mature.
It never changed the damn fact that she couldn't do a damn thing about it.

From her, I learn how to distrust people.
I learned that people are greedy and that I hate talking about money.

She's the reason why I feel so nauseated about trends and expensive stuff.

She's the reason why I do not learn real gratitude.

She's the reason why my then neutral asocial nature is leaning towards the anti-social.

She's the reason why all I feel is damn useless guilt, the irrationality and paranoia of not giving me privacy.

She's the reason why I never learned how to apologize genuinely. SHE NEVER SAID SORRY!! !

She's the reason why I do not have a desire to ever have a pet.

She's the reason why I do not trust NTs. That I hate the hierarchy. That authorities are unreliable. That I had to do it myself.

She's the reason why I have serious disdain towards innuendos that me being an autistic asexual doesn't help with the matter.

She's the reason why I always, always have half the mind to resort to violence. And seek any excuse to do violence.


To everyone, I have a family who doesn't abandon me. Not starving or dying. Not drowning in debt, no enemies or threats...
That I'm this elder yet little special child -- that I could basically just stop working and I'd be still alright. That I'm not alone and lonely. That I'm well protected and sheltered.

That I do not have a damn problem.
I don't. Except for myself.

They know nothing of how... How angry I'm.
At best they all thought it was because of bullying. Or this idea that I couldn't cope with the world whatever.

Little do everyone knew...
A half of my whole anger towards humanity... Just came from her alone.
And I'm never allowed to retaliate. Not even an thought of doing so... Not even once...

This is unfortunately 'normal'.


But my motivation for being independent is not.

One would expect was to make their parents proud and contribute to society like any adults are expected to.

Not me.
I became independent so I can afford to leave and go away, because I cannot rely or trust anyone.

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I gave in and cut + burned myself last night. I know that I'm going to "relapse" occasionally, but I still feel like I haven't made any improvement at all when this happens and that I should just give up on resisting it. It pisses me off whenever I go quite awhile without doing it and end up eventually doing it anyways.

Why do the government think we're all made of money? All they keep doing lately is making up new rules without telling anyone just so that people will accidentally break them then get a fine, and I'm sure it's to just get money out of people to line the pockets of the government after losing so much money from the lockdowns during the pandemic. I feel like we're being punished for the pandemic.

If anyone should be punished it should be China. They should be owing the rest of the world a huge fine for f*****g everyone's lives up with their virus.