Rants

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A friend online said recently that there are two types of people in the world: one type which entertains and the other which watches. I think he is right.

Alternatively, there is one type of person (celebrities) who has every good thing handed to them on a plate and has a full and happy life. And the other type of person (the other 99% of us) who live pretty dull and hard lives just working our a55es off.

I wonder how the human race has sunk this low: we are all just idling and being entertained as our lives pass by. No one connects anymore, they just passively watch the entertainment.

I'm so pissed. I got told I can't be the lead in my department again because of some stupid f*****g reason that isn't my fault. I just think my manager doesn't want me to be the lead and I have no f*****g idea why.

Genuinely starting to wonder if it's possible for everything someone does to be wrong. Every single little thing I've done or said in my life has gotten criticized and everyone does this BS to me. I'm about to hit my f*****g limit and might break the f**k down the next time someone is an ass to me with zero remorse, and for no actual reason besides to just put me down and make me feel like crap. No one else I know is treated like this, and it's not like I'm a huge bother to anyone because I legit shut the f**k up and just do what everyone wants me to all the time. Though that's probably my problem, because everyone can just say or do whatever they want, whenever they want to me and I'll just take it because whenever I've fought back I get treated like I'm the f*****g devil himself. And I'm not an as*hole, so like an idiot I feel bad for sticking up for myself, even though everyone deserves to have me tell them to f**k off and eat s**t.

I must always remind myself that while my SPED teacher is actively being helpful...

... She understands autism as a developmental disorder, and she understands humanity.
Yet she doesn't understand autism as a way of living and being.

While she understands that there is no version of NT inside me...
She doesn't understand that I'm NOT an "NT-like" at my best, at my core and in my peripherals.

She understands autism as a bubble.
She doesn't understand that I'm outside the majority's bubble.


Why 'teach' her if she's a "neurotypical without a major hung up or a cognitive disorder, whose at least 15+ years my senior, had hard work to get a diploma and have 20+ years of experience in SPED"?
And calls me arrogant assuming that I knew more than she?

She knows more about psychology yes -- but how much does she really know about autism beyond handling school children and dependent adults with level 2-3?

I'm just like any autistic who is autonomous enough to ask too many details.
She assumes I'm being resistive. She assumes I'm being stubborn. She assumes I'm being prideful.

I wish I was one of those concise and to the point people. But I'm not and I hate it.
She assumes it's the autism and it's defiance -- then why does it feel like it's not?

My language processing and bottom up learning IS the autism -- but not this knowledge gap that my upbringing had poorly filled, not this near constant confusion, not this stupid accusation that "I question authority".

I must understand. I must fricking accept that...
Even with all that level of knowledge, with all that level of empathy... Even with all those years that she knew of me.

She understands autism as a symptom and a behavioral issue, not as an identity. I accept the fact, that she's a professional so she based her views from the medical model.

Her goal is normalization. Her mission is to make CSN a contributing members of society.
That goal does not align with mine, fine.

My goal is to be able to control myself really well, to a point that normalization is a choice of mine -- not an end point, not something to strive for, and definitely not a way of my being.



Long story short, I'm just disappointed.
I know she is, too.

But I'm sure her interpretation of my own disappointment came with being "stubborn and demanding".


Perhaps this is also one of the major things I would need to change soon.

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I feel like I'm starting to not even flawlessly pretend to hold it together. I'm so tired of being wrong or stupid or irrationally angry. I'm tired of not getting things and being an embarrassment. I feel like everyone around me only tolerates me out of pity. As much as I love to advocate for autistic people, I don't feel worthy of that advocacy myself. I can't really blame autism for it though, as my problems only begin there.

I need to get out of this house, but I feel no motivation to get out of this house when everything is just dull or upsetting, or painful in some way. I keep checking out books and not reading them. I have a very sporadic creative drive that is very specific when it comes, but the rest of the time leaves me completely fogged over and forgetting simple things. I keep doing nothing but getting online and watching YouTube or posting on forums or getting into stupid arguments that just make me angry with strangers whose opinions really shouldn't matter to me. I can't stop to fold laundry or even watch a movie. It's pathetic.

"See a therapist" I end up downplaying everything to them, and then feel the uttermost need to please them for whatever reason by telling them what they want to hear even though they're supposed to be there to help me. I am the state champion of self-sabotage. My last therapist went on some kind of self-improvement journey for six months. Not that I'd want him to know how crappy I'm doing.

Dammit! Cockblocked by my own daughter. My husband is working from home tomorrow but it turns out now that daughter is also at home on a day off from college. Foiled again! Parents will understand this.

I had another really f****d up dream. I am so sick of waking up drenched in sweat and being terrified to go back to bed like every night. I want to finally buy a gun and just blow my f*****g brains out like I keep telling myself I should, so this s**t can just stop. I am so tired.