Rants

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I wish I do not need to breathe.

I'm not suicidal.


I just had enough with this damn chronically blocked nose.
This air hungry feeling, the distractibility it causes, that having to mind it to begin with, the physiological responses, those raw feeling whenever I tried to cope with it...

For most of my life, breathing is...

Either a luxury comfort or a fricking annoyance that I happened to literally cannot live without.
And no one takes it seriously.

I wish I do not have to nor need to breathe.


Socializing manually is one thing...
Breathing manually is another.

Former is complex set of behaviors that aren't really meant to be done consciously.

The latter, supposedly, requires no damn thought.
I do not have long covid, I do not have asthma or lung issues, I do not have anything life threatening.

I do not smoke, I'm not exposed to anything unhealthy.

Yet somehow, it ruined my life.

If I lost whatever lung capacity I have, it's a not-a-surprise.
If I lost it, it'll just be extra discomfortable, extra distracting.
If I lost it, I'll just kill myself because there's no sense of trying a chance of being a bit more comfortable.

I already struggle with something so fricking simple. And I just had to put up with it for most of my waking life because no one takes it seriously.

I wish there's a technology where I don't need to breathe to survive.
I wish I don't need 'air' to live.

It's a fricking nuisance. It's almost always discomfortable. Not painful, not threatening.

It triggers me more than any noise in my intolerant years, more than any unpleasant surprises that -- I just wish I do not care anymore.

No one cares about the impact over quality of life due to this.


I wish I do not need to breathe.
Unlike the pandemic, I've been doing this for years worth of my life.
DECADES.

Whenever it's worse, I couldn't cope with it well.
Wishing that it could just pass and never happen again.
But it keeps happening. It never leaves me alone.

To anyone, it's a week at most.
Just rest, take some meds, drink plenty of water -- then it'll be over!

To me?? It doesn't fricking end.
If it does, it'll always return. Not years, not months -- not even weeks. Meds won't work either.

And since the pandemic?
I'd get blamed. I won't be surprised if I get kicked out or banned somewhere because I cannot manage this sh*t.


Oh, there are a LOT of things I hadn't tried.
Except time and energy mostly all goes to coping dealing with this nuisance.

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God I hate the school holidays. Every bus I get there's always screeching brats on it and it goes right through me. I wish my ears weren't so sensitive to loud noises that no-one can control. I just wish children were seen and not heard in most public spaces. They're too loud.

I just got promoted at work and instead of being excited I feel just anxious and critical of everything I’ve ever done. I’m not even sure how I made it this far being such a f**kup.

Picking up on new skills, even when they’re easy for everyone else, has always been my downfall - especially if it involves my hands rather then say, something digital, as I am dyspraxic as all hell. I can’t even tie my shoes.

I feel fake even writing that. Like, I am almost 22 years old, getting a promotion to $18 an hour and I can’t tie my shoes.

I’m using to feeling down at this point, but I at least felt comfortable enough in my work it didn’t keep me awake anymore. At least I don’t work this weekend.

My coworker wants to throw me a party at whatever restaurant I want next Friday and I just feel so sh***y saying no, I wanted it to be just us or us and maybe a few people…I have to put on airs for all these people, a lot of whom I like, a few I don’t…plus decide where to eat. Godddd daaaamnn itttt

I can’t remember what being happy felt like. Sure, I still laugh at things every day, but overall I am just unhappy. The last time I felt anything close to that was in a DXM afterglow, and I can’t keep that habit up.

f**k. At least I have this weekend to waste panicking and getting high.

*takes deep breath...*

Maybe it's to do with a higher population when you're more towards the capital.

<rant>
IDK why but suddenly just now I have become incredibly pissed off at EVERYTHING and so I just want to SCREA...


<calmdown>
meh
</calmdown>

</rant>

I was so pissed today. My coworkers didn't even f**k with me for once I was so obviously at my limit. I've been treated like an idiot by my managers, despite managing my entire f*****g department while they do jack s**t to help me, for the last time. I'm really not doing anything but the bare minimum now. I'm not touching the machine, I'm not coordinating s**t with other departments, I'm not even cleaning my f*****g area before breaks and at the end of the day. In fact I half-assed things all day just like everyone else in my department does! Put things on hangers wrong, let dirty clothes and ones with massive holes go through, let hangers jammed in the conveyor go past me, etc. One stopped the entire new conveyor system, it was jammed so bad, and I didn't even turn the conveyor to our machine off, I just let the engineers freak the f**k out and do it. My job basically as per the description is to put garments onto the conveyor and that's it. I'll help my injured and pregnant coworkers with s**t, but everyone else can get bent. Don't ask me s**t, don't make me train anyone, don't expect me to fix everyone's mistakes. I'm done.

I am so fed up with changeable, inconsistent humans. Can they either like me or dislike me and not keep changing their minds?!

That's all.

My perpetual gripe is the fact that my sister is a major POS and tells people we don't have a recycle service when we actually do, but she DGAF about the environment nor her child's future, and so doesn't pay the tiny fee for pickup, or "better", use her PICKUP TRUCK to once a month take the recycle to the place which is VERY CLOSE fml I'm in hell please help me

Just feel like crying. I can't cope with these neighbours of mine any more. Not just the people upstairs but some of the people from the other apartments too. They come to the communal garden on a Sunday night and have a big noisy barbecue. So we have to shut our windows, as they're right outside our bedroom window shouting loudly and their barbecue smoke blows right into our apartment and sets off our smoke alarm. Also they keep slamming the doors every time they go indoors to the bathroom, it shakes the whole building. This usually goes on long after it gets dark.

This is the only thing I don't like about hot days in the summer. NTs are obsessed with barbecues, and they'd think nothing of gathering right outside your window and making as much noise and mess as they can.