Rants

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Argh. I have a friend who is obsessed with a certain celebrity and she just keeps emailing me photos of him in different clothes and poses. I think he's a nice guy but I don't particularly fancy him.

What am I supposed to say to all these photos? There are too many. Then she gets cross if I am not enthusiastic about him. There's such a thing as overload you know.

Someone came up onto my property and cut down some of my vines and part of the tree in that area. Wtf? Who does that? Just trespass onto someone's property and cut down a chunk of their stuff. I'm not happy about this. What a weird and pointless way for someone to be a criminal.

I'm sick of people who are just ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME without ANY consideration of ANYTHING or ANYBODY else. It's disgusting.

I hate passing June 21st, because now the nights are drawing in. Fancy it being summer yet the days are getting shorter. That's why I like the spring the most - you know each day is getting longer.

I actually enjoy my new position at work but working Monday-Friday and having to deal with my mom's prick boyfriend being home on the weekend, especially if they're not going anywhere, is not going to end well.

I came out of my room because my Life360 told me she left (which usually means both of them are gone for a couple hours) but then found his son sitting on the couch staring at me like I had two heads. What the literal f**k.

I don't feel like getting in a relationship again but I need somewhere I can go on the weekends like my sister does so I don't have to deal with this stupid s**t. "You need to learn to drive" Sure, cool, I'm dyspraxic as hell, let me literally die trying to do this s**t because we can't build places you can freaking walk to.

They keep talking about moving and they don't plan to take me with them. I could see that screwing me over, I don't make enough to live on my own and my grandparents aren't going to be around forever, but...screw it, maybe I'd be able to feel like more of a complete person if I wasn't in this sh***y environment.

I wish I can and will stay like this forever. Even better if or when I'd pick up from where I left and progress for good.

I don't care if it feels this subtle exhaustion or sluggishness on the background if it meant not being reactive, not being overacting.

I am "happier" that I have more control over myself, what I do, would do, think or feel.

That I do not jeopardize my relationships, my job, my time in this world, my learning and progress.
I don't care if it's unhealthy or if it slowly shortens my lifespan to a degree -- at least I'm not spending it in regret, in resentment, in helplessness of it.

I'd rather feel this subtle weight over me than 'feeling healthier physically' yet act, think, and feel, unable to control self otherwise.


Instead of self flagellating myself after being called out, I'd take it in and willing to recall it.
I am able to embrace my flaws and all the disonance in this state. I can even express myself way better this way.

Instead of spending time crying and whining and being a fricking brat over it, I am evaluating and reflecting, adapting and learning as I would.

No excuses, no stupid 'reasoning' of irrationally emotional brat in the driver's seat, flapping my lips, using my knowledge and intelligence against my will, acting through my body and everything that I wouldn't if I have the choice.


I feel a bit of myself this past week, even if I'm not 100% as I should be, cognitively especially, at least I am more control of myself emotionally than the stupid brat in my head that should die by growing 'it'.

What I'm worried about is how long this would last.

How long before my life will be put into an unwanted pause of evasive "emotional hypersensitivity"?
How long do I still have being my own self than that needy dump of an irrational and difficult 'person'?

"It" is not a person, it's a state.
An UNWANTED state that I want it to go away and never 'happen' to me ever again.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I feel I don't fit in on WP any more. I'm scared to post stuff about anything now in case I inadvertently start up another flame war. It's not fair. After 13 years it's suddenly come to this. I see others debating sensitive topics and a little flame war might start up but then it ends in the thread and the grudges don't follow them around the whole forum. But if I say the teeniest wrong thing (that is only wrong in the eyes of about 3 or 4 members and 2 mods) then all hell breaks loose and I'm either a racist, transphobic, narcissist, gaslighting, or worse. And then it gets brought up in other threads too, like it's my reputation and I have to live with it or leave. I don't exactly want to leave but I am being driven out.

Even writing this post has probably offended somebody, or has made them think "there she goes again, wanting sympathy and pity, wanting attention, etc", but I'm NOT seeking that. All I'm doing is saying what's on my mind and how I'm feeling right this minute. I am allowed to, surely. I would create a "joe90's whining and bitching thread" but I wouldn't dare, because it would just become world war 3.

I miss Envirozmental.

I'm honestly kind of scared (actually I'm really scared lmao) to tell my doctor what's going on. I don't think I've told him even a fraction of it. I'm especially scared about mentioning the fact I've been self-harming, have thought about and made plans to KMS, and my worsening alcohol abuse problems. Part of me is worried he won't take me seriously and another part is worried that I'll get myself in a lot of trouble. I think I seem fine during appointments, so I'm leaning towards he won't take the extent of things seriously, especially the alcohol abuse. He did that same s**t with my dad. He's a good doctor, but he seems clueless as how to handle serious MH problems and substance abuse issues. The place he tried to refer me to before is terrible + not fitting at all for my problems, and I'm worried he's going to refer me to somewhere else completely unfitting and that will do more harm to me than good when I go.

"Huh?"

Exactly.

Some people just can't read words. Shame.

Two separate days, while I was @ work, someone had the nerve to bark racist sexist homophobic slurs at me from the other side of the fence. There was nobody to tattle to, but even if there was, they might not believe me or do anything about it, or they might say that the slurs were "freedom of speech".

armpit rash since 2010

itchy ears, bobby pin

sometimes itchy legs

not enough litterboxes on the way to work. having to urinate after 2 hours on the bus. so f*****g annoying. too many idiots loitering around. do not feel comfortable urinating around those lil ass holes.

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two weeks ago, store manager told me to stay out of the "day laborer" section because they kept calling me "Chino". (rolls eyes). but (1) there is no "day laborer" section. they do not have an office. (2) they could go anywhere in the parking lot. there is no barrier (3) the "day laborer" section is about one quarter of the parking lot. (4) the day laborers are not even supposed to be there.

safeway

2 weeks ago, 4 of the neighbor's dogs got in my backyard. scared the s**t out of me. emailed sister (she owns the house but doesn't live here) to please get the dogs out the backyard. she told me to talk to the neighbor. i told her i am not comfortable knocking on the neighbors door because some dogs are in the neighbors front yard. my sister had the nerve to threaten to sell the house. i only earn minimum wage. i am paranoid that if she sells the house, i will end up homeless. (but i think she wanted to sell the house for a long time, for other reasons, and it has nothing to do with the dogs or me.)

alberto is so f*****g annoying. he acts like rolando penis. all "buddy buddy". but he's not even willing to say "excuse me" instead of "what". he kept asking if he could be my "friend". (you ass hole: you drove recklessly while i was trying to be your spotter, you had the nerve to call me "crazy", you said "huh" to me instead of "excuse me", you laughed @ me, and you didn't listen carefully to what i said. stop bothering me, you idiot!)

tool rental associate Unneka had the nerve to curtly and rudely bark "may i help you?" and "huh?" to me. but that's ebonics. she was doing her "best" and being "true" to herself. (rolls eyes).

Been emotional overeating way too much. so f*****g exhausted. zero "friends". work is not that bad. but some customers, slaves, and day laborers are f****d up, and dealing with just one of them drains all my energy. angry and annoying customers and slaves. homeless encampment. makes me uptight. meaningless BS.

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expand comfort zone

adapt to change

overhaul "life"

something to look forward to

have some fun