My Rant From 2019 wrote:
Sometimes I do wonder if I do scare people or drive them away unintentionally...
And why is that?
Don't worry about that.
This was your guilt speaking.
And it's temporary.
The next day or week or so, you'd be enjoying it instead of questioning it.
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I already long accepted facts of people misunderstanding things about me, both good and bad, but...
Uhuh. It was a great social strategy.
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While I'm just too busy with other matters if not overwhelmed, and I might as well did willingly turn unto apathy when it comes to impressions. By simply letting these people take those misunderstandings and without justification or explanation for my words or actions -- for things as is, regardless of my intentions, wrong means wrong and mistakes as intentional.
You WERE overwhelmed.
Your body switching itself in every tiny change is overwhelming you.
Your head coping issues is overwhelming you.
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Of course this doesn't make me strong nor mature. It's no different from the imbalance of defensiveness or having too many excuses.
YOU WERE IMBALANCED.
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On another matter;
Yeah... Why can I not be balanced? It's another thing for me to be really disappointed at.
What exactly robbed me of the chance if not anything that would make it last? What exactly made efforts futile? Even with all the motivations and willpower asserted, even with all possible angles studied, even if I brought my own pride down...
If it boils down to something biological, then it'll be very disappointing. It's like my own life cheated me, instead of the harsher world like many had been dealing with.
One of major bit of this is BEING A WOMAN.
You spent the majority of your time UNABLE TO CATCH UP WITH YOUR DAMN BODY.
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If it's just my head, then I'm missing something. I would need help -- if only others would understand which is never guaranteed. I already tried this, and it's been disappointing me all over again.
If it's just all chance, then changes it'll pass itself. No more, no less.
It's not simply your head.
Your head? Your head was misbehaving, yes. But the reason? Daddy issues that you obviously don't want anything to do with because of not wanting to do with emotions.
Why? It's your body.
Why the disappoinment? It's not your head -- your head is just an enabler or a denier of whatever you're dealing with your body.
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If none of these then... What the heck am I doing?
Nothing!
You did nooooottthing wrong.
It's NOOOOOTTTTT YOUR FAULT.
You were just trying your best coping and dealing with the shite that was trapped inside you.