My Husband has a Secret Relationship w/Someone

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No can do with the counselor, she is on vacation with her family this week.

How frustrating it is that people always seem to go on holiday just when we need them!

It's been a so-so week. Tried off loading some furniture I've been meaning to get rid of for awhile. Then bought a used couch. Going to have to fib about where the money can from. I'll just tell him I sold a few things. It's partial true, I did sell a coffee table and almost sold a chair.

A cousin of mine was in town and we went out to dinner and had a quiet evening watching a movie at my place. Ate a regular meal for the first time in two weeks. Turns out I just can't eat a lot unless I'm eating with someone else. I chat about whatever and don't even realize I'm shoveling away the food meanwhile. Guess I'll have to start sharing the day with the cats.

Tomorrow is a big day, hubby comes over to go over the bank book and pay bills. He called complaining about where the money goes. He seems oblivious to the fact he's spent $2400 this month w/o spending a dime on bills. That's all gas, food, shopping, etc. I have to figure out how to explain it to him in a non-confrontational way that he sucks at money and we can't afford his life in the condo across town without massive spending cuts by BOTH of us. Wait until he finds out our car insurance doubles if he moves to a different address because they will split the policies.

I am applying for jobs but with no experience or references I don't expect many call backs. The way it works in this town is you have to know someone who can get your foot in the door. So I decided to put my name out there for pet sitting and signed up for some volunteer work. I guess volunteer work counts as experience and if you do a lengthy volunteer job you can get references.

And I've decided I'm going back to my old home town for Thanksgiving. Whether it is to go back permanently or not has yet to be decided.

Still left breathless at the thought that life can change so fast.

Last edited by PinkFeelingBlue on 26 May 2016, 2:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It sounds as if you are coping as well as could be expected, so give yourself some kudos for that. I'm glad we were here for you to talk to, and meanwhile I see you making some connections and plans there, so that's good.

Cats are wonderful.

You need to fib about buying a used couch, but you've given him the credit cards and he's spent 2400 dollars this month.... You need a divorce lawyer yesterday. It sounds like your husband is financially abusing you.

Yes, confront him. Don't just let evil go on, but don't break your lifelong vows either. Emotions, like infatuation, are stupid things that pass away. Confront him in love and don't threaten to throw him away. Don't just walk away and abandon him, show him you love him and you want him alone. Fight for your marriage like you're the freaking 1st Infantry Division fighting the Nazis. Never give up, never surrender.

Set back today. Major trigger. After a week and a half of getting him to open up to me about his feelings about our marriage and agree to at least 5 marriage counseling sessions (yes I know pointless) I had to ask questions about her. He texted me at 1AM to chitchat. I said I'm sleeping, he says Goodnight beautiful. Just like he used to. But curiosity got the best of me, I checked the phone records to see how late he was up. At the same time he was texting me, yep you guessed it, he was texting her.

I freaked, crying, thinking was that meant for me or her. Does he call her beautiful, cutie, gorgeous like he used to me?

I texted him saying to not be mad but that sometimes something happens and I'm back to week one of discovering the EA. That I still had lots of questions. That she is my gorilla in the room. I am not asking.... then I accidentally hit send. I quickly add for you to do anything. But he already replied. A simple No. I finished my thought saying I hoped that someday he'd be willing to tell me the answers without my having to ask. He said nothing so I apologized for angering him. He said he wasn't at all, we'll talk later.

He was home when I got back from running errands. He was picking up his dress shirts and pants. Wouldn't say where he was moving to next week as he can't afford the condo he wanted. I tried to get him to talk about what I wrote but he wouldn't say anything. He said yo asked a question and I said no. I told him that it wasn't a question, I wrote after that. But he pretended to not have read that part. And then he was gone.

Since then I have cried, crawled under a blanket and attempted to get drunk. Tuesday's counselor's appointment can't get her soon enough.

Onto better news I got a call back on one of my job applications. P/T gopher at a movie theater. This place is great for audiences(my favorite theater), but very high turnover of staff. I also signed up for another volunteer gig as a library aide at a senior center. Need the experience.

The books say there will be setbacks, good days and bad. Triggers about the affair will linger for years. Yay.

I have 5-6 months before I have to think about selling everything I own, filing for bankruptcy, and go crawling back to my old home town where I have no relatives who can take me in. I can get alimony but I know he can't afford it and it wouldn't covers my bills at all.

Meanwhile he's surrounded by loving family and friends. But he still wants to cuddle but not talk. I NEED answers. Is he thinking of her, how often does he still talk to her, does he give her my pet names, has he seen her in person since he moved out. Is she why he suddenly needs a new wardrobe?

He still isn't showing remorse, he feels bad for me, but that's it. This hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. Agony is the closest feeling I can call it. My home, my man, my safe place all gone like that. My biggest fears are homelessness and abandonment. If this is really the end, I don't think I could ever give my heart and soul completely to another person again.

Feeling like a complete waste of space, pity party table for one.

I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you. There is nothing that makes this any easier but I think you are doing really well considering the circumstances. Losing your safe place is hard, there's no doubt about that especially when you are worried about homelessness. But you are not a waste of space in any way, shape or form. Getting a call back on one of your job applications, after being out of the workforce for so long, is tremendous. And it's great that you are going to volunteer - not only will it give you valuable experience, it will also give you something else to focus on than the horrible stuff that is happening in your personal life at the moment.

I think it is good that your husband has agreed to five sessions of marriage counselling. My husband & I did four sessions, even though it was obvious very quickly that he had made up his mind that we were finished. It helped me to listen to that instead of hoping things could be fixed, and I also got the answers I needed as he was more willing to speak to me about things in a neutral environment where I was supported (as was he).

As for not ever giving your heart and soul completely to another person again, I get that. I will never be able to ... but as it turns out, after a hellish time, I rather like being on my own. I never thought I would say that. But, if another is what you want in future, I'm sure there'll come a time when you're ready for it.

Take care

YB

Booty call. His only interest is in himself, and in using you in every way you'll allow - financially, sexually, whatever.
Please stop apologizing to and begging this man. He is utterly undeserving of it.

Hi Pink

I've been thinking about you.
How have things been going? How was your appointment with the counsellor?

YB

Not as helpful as I had hoped. I pushed hubby too fast. As long as I avoided the topic of "her" and stuck with the script of listening to him, understanding his emotions, he was opening up. But the fatigue, the lack of empathy from him, what felt like endless critiquing from him. I kept giving him opportunities to talk about "her". He wouldn't bite.

He had been visiting and calling more. Mostly just to complain about where he is staying. He started saying beautiful, love you, and sweetheart again. I worried he was saying it to her. He said he didn't.

His jerkwad best friend whom I am positive helped push him towards his decision to leave was here this past weekend. Toting his new 26 year old girlfriend and her two kids. They all went out partying, barbecuing, fun fun fun.

Hubby still can't stick to a budget. Guarantee his cards will be maxed out by next week.

Anyway he came over yesterday, he was very tired. I offered him the spare room (first mistake). I set the boundary that he couldn't call or text "her" in our home. He agreed. Well one of cats, who really missed him, woke him up at 3AM. So he left for work. I decided to check the phone records (second mistake) to see if he stuck to the agreement. He had called her twice on his way to my house. Then he started texting her at 3:55 AM and it went on for two hours. So I asked him, what time did he leave. He said 4-ish. I said specifically, he said he got to work at 4:20. So I texted him a screenshot of the phone records (third mistake). Told we needed to talk about it in counseling. He replied, "Really?! WOW"

Cue headdesk. The counselor said I was right to set a boundary and to stick to it. She didn't say whether or not it was right to call him out on it. I told her this EA is all I can think about. The thing the other poster said about being a booty call. It got in my brain. He had mentioned that he wished I wore sexy underwear again. I said I wished he wrote love notes again. What if he is just waiting for me to be available for sex? He has her for emotional support, I'm Plan B.

If the stress hadn't triggered my period a week early (and hasn't stopped since the 22nd) I probably would have slept with him.

I told the counselor my life long story of my negative association with sex and my many problems with intimacy. She had to stop me because every other sentence out of my mouth was that it's all my fault. She agrees I need to work on being more comfortable with myself. So I see her again in a week. However the soonest she could schedule a couples session was the 9th. Although she doesn't know where my husband is at mentally with all this, I got the impression she's not hopeful. But it's early, he hasn't been to a single counseling session.

I can't let go without knowing I did everything I could to save our marriage. I am very, very depressed now. Can't stop crying. I know I need to be looking for a job, getting out of the house, doing something. But I can barely walk, I'm so tired, so nauseous.

Made the mistake of crying to his mom again. She just said it was something we needed to work out in therapy. I wondered, if we did manage to reconcile, would his family accept me back? Or has he told them it's a done deal? His best friend, a jerk who is already with a new girl. His cousin who hubby swears will be divorced once the sons graduate next year. His family who "only wants him to be happy".

He already knows he can't afford a place of his own. But I think he's looking around for another place to stay. If the cats won't leave him alone he won't want to stay here. Just another reason to leave.

I can't wait for his truck to break down or his mountain bike to break again. He will have no money to fix either. That was all on my credit cards. I have no idea where his head is at, what he thinks will happen. Keeps asking if I've gotten a job yet.

One month, one month since my life fell into a million pieces. I'm so tired.

You know what, nothing I've done warrants the treatment I'm getting from him and his family. He knows when the MC appointment next week is.

Screw it, No Contact until then.

Amen to that.

Something that helped me was to imagine I was my own adult daughter. I know that sounds odd, but pretending I was a caring observer to the situation helped me gain objectivity. I realized I would never want someone I loved to be treated the way I was being treated, and that I needed to love and care for myself the same way I would take care of me if I was someone else (if you can make sense of that statement). In other words, a little short-term disassociation can be beneficial.

So I wrote him a long email explaining that up until that night he stayed over I thought we were making progress. When he agreed to my boundary I felt he was finally taking my feelings into account.

I had talked repeatedly about honesty and transparency, so yes I checked the phone records. And that I was crushed he had immediately started texting her. That he couldn't go 12 hours without contacting her.

He says it's not what I think but how can I know if he won't tell me. I told him I needed him to understand my pain and that he cares about we treat each other in the coming weeks, months, years.

I told him I was done apologizing for how I feel about this.

I didn't hear from him for awhile, but he texted that he knows I am hurting and that I don't trust him. I didn't reply.

Today he texted he was so sorry for hurting me and wanted to know if we were talking today. I think he thought the appointment was today. I said yes we can talk but if he meant the appt it was next Thursday. So he says, "So you don't want to talk to me until then?" I told him yes, but don't expect me to be cheery. I'm exhausted and all my energy goes into each day and getting through the next. Planning for a dozen different futures.

He said he was sorry.

I lost it. I said, "You keep saying that but you aren't showing me. I need to see to believe. It hurts too much to talk to you knowing you are still talking to her. So no, no I will not talk to you until you can show me you are remorseful. If that means I won't see or hear from you until next week, I'll have to deal with that. If you need to talk about finances or an emergency, you can contact me."

He just says, "Okay." Okay he'll try, okay see ya next week. What the hell kind of ambiguous answer is that?

I am so physically ill waiting for him to talk to me about her, I can't take it anymore. No more listening to him go on about his crappy day or bring up all the things he didn't like in our marriage. I gave him an opening he talks about my sexy underwear. Hope he's getting blisters from the fence he's sitting on.

Gyno wants to do an ultrasound to see if there is any physical reason my period won't stop. It's been going since the 22nd.

The crappy job I applied for, the interview went well. I think they need the bodies as the theaters are very busy during the summer. I just wish I didn't have to work concessions in addition to everything else. Just let me clean or something. No customer service.

Hi Pink

You are absolutely right that nothing you have done warrants the treatment you are getting from him/his family, and that you shouldn't have to apologise for how you're feeling about all this.

I understand your need to hear about her, but focusing on this really isn't helpful to your mental and physical state. Unfortunately, I don't know how you can get it out of your head except for around therapy sessions. I just know that it's really important during these difficult times to try to look after yourself as best you can, even when you don't feel like it. This is where I really struggled (and consequently ended up in hospital), but I personally know several other people who were able to look after themselves and they managed to get through this really awful time with good grace and apparent ease.

I'm glad your interview went well. I find customer service really difficult, I had a period of working in a cafe during my rehab from hospital prior to going back to my job and it was stressful and exhausting - but it did show me that I was capable of some things and boosted my self-confidence to the point where going back to my job seemed like a possibility. So maybe you can think of this job (or whatever job you get) as a stepping stone to find out and develop your skills while also figuring out/confirming the things you find really difficult. It may give clarity to later job searches. I do work with people in my current job and I really enjoy it, but it's one-to-one support and I have background of they're coming to see me. Not the unpredictable and noisy nature of a cafe.

Take care pink.

YB