I am Fat and Worthless

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Ah. I can see how that would be a problem. Is it possible for you to convince yourself that nothing's different (I know some people can do such, but others cannot)?




Can you direct what you take your rage out on? (Sorry for all these questions, by the way; I'm just trying to see if maybe there's anything that could at least help a bit.) If so, perhaps purchasing an object specifically to beat the hell out of might be useful. Your concern is valid, obviously; it's something you'd need to take up with a doctor.

When it feels like it's becoming too much, could you stay at your mother's house for awhile, or perhaps sleep in a hotel room for a night (if that would be different than your apartment, that is)?



You do have talents and abilities; your writing is beautiful, and you've mentioned a skill in tarot cards, if I recall correctly, which is something most people suck at. Achievements, laziness, ect; it's all a subjective thing, and chances are, you haven't been near as bad as you think you were.



My guess would be CBT, but I don't know for sure. It's not weakness to need help; to be able to acknowledge that you have a problem requires strength, and to move a step beyond and actively step out of your comfort zone to seek assistance requires even more strength. Those who think that therapy is for the weak don't understand the sort of issues you can face; sometimes, the mind is too powerful to be conquered alone.

As for the medication... What's worse to you: the side effects or the way you've been reacting to things lately? I know that change kinda sucks, especially if it's not something that you've ever done before, but sometimes it's more helpful in the long run, and not nearly as scary as it looks at first.

I used to, when tired, actually feel more relaxed and high... these days, it seems the opposite. It is kind of insane really. Some nights I can get myself sorted pretty fast and settle down for the evening. Other nights...well to explain, I have spent 3 hours at the mirror, turning round and round, obsessing on specific things and getting in a right state about it... it was literally a strong compulsion, as if I could not let myself relax and do other things until I was sure I saw what I wanted to in that damn mirror... I even threw the thing away, but found I could still see in a smaller one. I managed just one night without a mirror.

I would try and stop, but end up later on stripping to do the same thing again, as some form of reassurance, yet none of it is reassurance...it is like some sort of self torture...stand in front of the mirror and stand in ways that make me look worst so I get upset. I dont understand it, but it seems that way to me.

I am extremely routinised and addicted to my routines.

I get up. I cycle on my exercise bike for 30 mins even when it hurts my muscles and I feel tired.
Then I shower, get dressed and try to get out quickly.
I then walk...make myself walk fast for 30 mins.
Then a sandwich and coffee in a cafe.
Then another hour + of solid brisk walking.
Then home and another 30 mins of hard exercise.
Then the mirror...and changing into something that might not aggravate me...you see, even clothing has become a source of distress. I measure the hips on my clothing and then get upset if they are not as loose on me as I would expect...

As an example, one item was 39 inches on the hip. I am 36 inches. Yet when on me, they hardly had any spare material. I had to throw them out.

If something is loose, I tug and pull at it.
If something is tight, even if it is smallest size, I fret.
So even after I have exercised, and gotten dressed and managed to lay on the floor (I cannot sit on a seat because I got upset if my butt left indentations or if the chair creaked), I often only get periods of peace and calm because just my undies going up my butt slightly or sleeves not feeling loose enough can set me off on a self hating rage.

Bedtime is a relief as I can then allow myself to eat something so I am not famished and sleep.

Under these circumstances, it is hard not to sometimes feel sorry for myself and to get very distressed. I should be able to get out of this pattern myself but cant right now.

It is extreme, this is my life currently and has been for months now. It used to be alot worse when I had a larger mirror etc and when I had issues with my bed... I got in a state just because my quilt didnt lay flat, assuming my immense body had somehow dented everything.

It gets very, very tiring.
It sounds so easy to just be able to flick a switch and forget all this stuff and just focus on other things outside of myself, but it doesn't work.

My rage always seems to be directed at me. It is me I always wish to hurt and I have broken something in my cheek from my self punching. It cracked and swelled up. I have bruises everywhere and cuts and new scars from my inability to control this severe rage. It frightens me when it hits as it is so extreme and so distressing... it leaves me feeling as if I am going totally insane. I rant and rave and sob and shout and god knows what else, it is kinda pathetic really.

It isn't directed, it is blind self hatred. I dont know why it has suddenly become more severe lately.

My mother does not know of this. I do not tell her as she had enough of my issues when I lived with her and is a very rational and intelligent woman. She never understood this sort of weight obsession etc. She just wants to enjoy her life now and fit in as much as she can.. vastly superior to me. I am due to visit her next month, but I rarely go to stay otherwise as it is impossible to hide my problems from her.

A hotel is an idea I will consider.
I am also trying to get my ex to come regularly again just so I have someone other than myself to focus on.
I do my best to get out in the day and spend as little time as possible inside this place. It has bad memories from the whole issues I had at xmas time and just before.

And I do believe it is that stuff that has triggered this, as does the person I had all those issues with.

I do not see myself as having any good. I see others achieving...getting an education, learning, doing and I am here floundering. My mind is so scattered I cannot stick to writing one thing and to me, it always looks crap. I feel inferior to everyone else just about. A loser in life. I keep trying to write as I want to write a book or something, and I keep stopping.

I am sorry, I have gone on and on and on, I shall pause here as I cannot think of more to say.

I shall consider medication if there is one offered that does not have the dreadful side effects of some of the anti psychotics, which are used to treat bipolar. I think my OCD is the main issue right now though.

Are you taking anti-depressants? Anti-depressants have helped me, although they too can cause unwanted side effects in some people. I take Citalopram, and I am now able to function without Risperidone, an anti-psychotic I was given previously.

I've just read up on Citalopram and it is occasionally used in the treatment of body dysmorphic disorder. That could be relevant here.

ooops

Last edited by Graelwyn on 24 Mar 2008, 12:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

ooops

Last edited by Graelwyn on 24 Mar 2008, 12:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by Graelwyn on 24 Mar 2008, 12:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am on no medication at all other than thyroxine for my thyroid troubles.

I was prescribed sertraline, but soon after the shrink diagnosed me with bipolar, OCD and social anxiety disorder and suggested quetiapine. I researched this and it has a lot of undesirable side effects so I decided to wait to see him again to discuss it properly and go further into other issues I have.

My mother has offered me an initial consultation with a private consultant, but I do not see what use a single consultation could be.

Last edited by Graelwyn on 24 Mar 2008, 12:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's very hard to focus on a goal when you feel that your mind is scattered. Medication could possibly help you focus. I wish I knew how to help you not be so hard on yourself. It isn't your fault. You are not a bad person.
I used to hate myself, and a really good therapist helped me. Sometimes you have to hunt around for a good one.

I haven't hurt anyone; people hurt themselves when they read beyond what's written, and then they lash out at me, which doesn't hurt me at all (it perpetually confuses me, but I'm used to that). But nonetheless, to reiterate, I understand now.

Graelwyn,

Sertaline and CBT is the best therapy for OCD, and it seems prudent to pursue professional help for the OCD. It cannot be "cured", but it can be treated like all anxiety disorders; I'm sure a high enough dose of Sertaline will cut down the obsessions you have.

Other than the initial GI troubles due to having added serotonin in your GI tract (this doesn't last long), there really isn't any side-effects to it other than perhaps feeling a little anxious to begin with.

If anxiety is your biggest problem, it'd probably be good to ask for some type of long acting sedative to take as you're starting the SSRI (Diazepam for example); though I don't know how this affects bipolar (it's probably not a good thing to take sedatives when one is in a "down" state).

No words in here are going to help you other than telling you to see a professional as you're experiencing mental illness; not "normality" that responds to empathy. It'll probably go away if you don't seek treatment, but I'm sure it'll come back.

I kinda hit my OCD on the head (agoraphobic for...three years from such, so it wasn't exactly "mild"), but I needed help from professionals to get "better" (no matter what, it's always going to be lurking there in the background, but it doesn't have to be controlling everything that you do and think).

The reason I mentioned Citalopram is that it doesn't seem to have the effects of lethargy and weight gain (the side-effect of Risperidone which caused me concern - I don't know if you differ in respects to this.) I don't know if it would help with OCD, but that doesn't seem to be the sole problem here.

Perhaps I should reiterate: I'm not attempting to start another argument. You're behaving yourself now, so I have no further gripe with you.

I was behaving myself, as myself then, and now; most others who resorted to personal attacks weren't, and you were a part of those who did. There is no ill to my words other than defending those who die every day with a disease that takes them without want, and this isn't ill, this is morality, O, and the silliness of constantly wanting to die but not actually dying (it's a statement without any emotion attached); typing here isn't going to make death come closer. To sum myself up in this thread:

I don't want anyone but a few people to die (you won't know them); everyone can die if they wish to (see the first post), it's selfish to keep people alive against their will
I see no use in constantly saying one will kill themselves, and not doing it; since I take things literally, I cannot see that this is a call for emotional help, and I never will. I see the words, and that's all they mean to me; if one was to ask for said help, I'd offer the advice I just did
I defend those who cannot defend themselves; the people dying now of cancer who don't want to (there are thousands upon thousands of children in there)
You, Kilroy, ebec11, etcetera, were the ones who didn't behave yourselves; you can go back and comb my posts, and then yours and theirs, and you'll see such (I thank you for overcoming your original stance--yes, I do know mental illness and suicide, I also know many more things that break the mind, but this isn't about my pain).

RainSong summed up the difference between emotions and a lack of the same to words perfectly.

What you said sounded rude, callous, and cold. Whether you intended this or not, it was inappropriate; as the effect of those words was unanimous offence and upset.

I don't know you personally, so I can't tell if you are telling the truth or merely covering your ass; so I would prefer not to continue this.

So, once again:

Everything can sound rude to someone. Yeah, I'm cold, dark, and sombre, but that comes with the brain (death to me can be seen as a good escape for people suffering); what the OP said sounded rude to me, but you didn't see it as such, and that goes back to my first sentence. It seems the only ones who thought it sounded rude, callous and nasty were those who lashed out with personal attacks rather than reading what I actually said. The OP realized what I meant when she calmed down, and I must ask, who's covering what? It's all out in the open, and I can do a point by point breakdown if you want; I'm quite certain it won't be favourable to you.

What you mean to say is, you thought I sounded rude for you presumed too much; your first reply tells me and this board everything involving such, as well as a couple of other members who spoke before they thought.

Words mean exactly that; go back and read everything I said and apply it to the first post of this thread. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean; nothing more, nothing less.

I'll post what I said (this is in direct reply to the OP):



The OP said she wanted to die; what else am I to think (see this from the perspective of someone who has a verifiable ASD who takes things literally, I've got proof in paper if you want), and also wishes for a disease that kills children that want to live. If she wants to die so much, there's more respectful ways to wish for such.

But anyway, the OP clarified her post, and I'm frosty with such.

If you don't wish to continue, don't.

This is a lovely lesson of don't assume the worst of people, as it just shows everyone who you are, not who I am.

Please read:

I'm a diagnosed with an ASD too. I don't use that as an excuse for being a jerk.

I read such a few posts ago.

Point out where I'm a jerk? The only part where it could be seen as such was in direct reply to personal attacks on me, but that was me using irony and sarcasm, which is humor rather than ad hominems.

Take the first post, add my post to it in direct reply, and please tell me who the jerk is. If one cannot argue without resorting to personal attacks, it brings in to question the validity of their arguments. And it's not against any rule here to debate with people logically; naturally, you and several others in this thread have broken forum rules, but you know.

Add each subsequent post of mine to the one it is in reply to, and tell me who is the jerk then too.

If you mean I'm a jerk because I took the first post literally, but that's kinda due to the ASD; if people don't wish others to take things literally, perhaps they should refrain from posting ambiguous statements that mean the total opposite to what it says.

Just FYI and all, I'll have some fun:

Here's your post which was in reply to mine where I defended my statements with wit and sarcasm for I saw no need to use anything else for I was confused at the hilarity of the OP's outburst (and her little follower) (naturally, you took it completely out of context, but I'll go through it with you):



Nice personal attack that probably deserves an apology, but you know how people are. I said no where in my message that people with mental illness don't suffer, after all, I have a longer list than the OP, but that means nothing in an argument. Yeah, and all of those children dying from cancer everyday find respite from their infliction; nice logic there. My reply concerning physical ailments was in relation to the OP wishing for said ailment; I said that I'm sure there's many people out there who'd trade her, as mental illness is far more treatable; there's nothing nasty here, I'm just stating a fact that can even be seen as uplifting. And naturally, I was attacked for such; I didn't attack anyone back, of course. Naturally again, you being the epitome of human understanding understood nothing I said other than posting one large personal attack that equates to exactly nothing if you wish to change my viewpoint or prove something. Now, who makes the world hell: the individual who is calm and thinks before he speaks, or the people who speak before they think?

I am not going to take your bait.

I stand by all I have said, to you, and I am leaving it at that.