oblivionpulled wrote:
I have only recently begun to think about suicide.
I was a total optimist until I past middle age.
At this point I finally realized that I would never have friends, never have a partner, never be fully competent at my job, and never be able to retire with any dignity. My career and single most important accomplishment - my children - now adult and NT - reject me for my weirdness. My life is exhausting and meaningless.
Then I needed to have an operation with general anesthesia. When I awoke, I missed the oblivion of unconsciousness. I yearn for it at times. Suicide is a heavy thing to lay on children though and I love them deeply.
My kids are the only reason I haven't done it. This summer I came about a millimeter from it. I can't do it to them, ethically. So I'm here whether I like it or not, at least till they're all able to take care of themselves, and then who knows. I still might not be able to do that to them. I hate life, I hate the rejection I get from ppl, and most of all not understanding it and because I don't understand it I can't do jack sh*t about it. Every day I wish I could forget that I have that obligation and when I hear somebody dies I envy them. When things improve I don't trust them because they always turn to crap again. I don't do anything to people and they still treat me like I have the freaking plague. damn.
~Kate
I have tried so very hard to analyze behavior - other's and mine - so I could figure out how to be a good mother and good friend, but there is something essential missing that I cannot figure out. People just know that I am not okay in some way. I feel okay when I can stay home alone, but I need to be employed until my kids are on their own (they are late teens). I hate to be a ward of the state :(