Developing a Thicker Skin

Post Reply New Topic

I seem to be overly-sensitive to criticism and others' comments. And I definitely know this has an effect of being wounded by what others think which in turn will get in the way of doing what I want in life. So are there any tips on this?

I will tell you that I can relate. And I'm 35; it's something I've never gotten over.

How to fix it?
Well, don't beat yourself up for being sensitive, for one thing. Just accept it. There are plenty of positives to that.
And I guess, when someone criticizes you, if you just a) think about all the things you like about yourself and b) realize that they probably just spoke without thinking about the issue (I do this a lot, for instance, I say I don't like something, and then think about it, and then realize I do like it, it was just my initial reaction to something unfamiliar) and don't really mean to criticize you most of the time.

I think too many people consider themselves capable of constructive criticism without meeting the criteria. They consider their criticism constructive when the delivery is destructive. If you are thick-skinned, I suppose this wouldn't matter. I know I'm not.

I have no useful help to offer because I have allowed my vulnerability to the opinions of others to drive me into relative seclusion. I found I couldn't stand feeling like all the people I spoke to in a day were looking over my shoulder and commenting on everything I did (because I kept dwelling upon what they would say if they were there. Dunno why I do it, but it's maddening).

I'm rather jealous of people I see each day who appear to carry on as they see fit with absolutely no visible awareness that anyone else might take issue with it. But if that seems more common in neurotypical people, there's an easy explanation. Not everything is inborn. If you spend your whole life being picked at for little oddities that everyone around you considers abnormal, you get so that you expect everyone around you to have something to say about every piddly little thing you do, and experience teaches you that what they have to say will not be something you like.

And then you grow up and they tell you not to worry so much about what other people think. And the hot part is, it's usually your mom who gripes at and about you your whole life and then tells you to think for yourself.

Sometimes I'm wounded, sometimes not. Sometimes I'm overly attached to positive comments and dwell on them repeatedly. When I am vulnerable to the attentions of others, I interpret that as showing that I need attention. So I try to get myself some positive attention. If the negative is one in 10, it's easier not to care about it. Well, that's how it is for me.

There's a lot of poisonous behaviour out there -- destructive as mentioned above -- and it helps to determine whether someone is being abusive and realize that that is going to feel bad and you deserve something nice for yourself after suffering this abuse. I'm astonished how many friends, bosses, family members and other people are horrible and just expect things should continue to go on that way.

I don't take criticism personally, even if the criticism is personal.

Actually, I need it. If someone is getting upset about something I am doing, I want to know about it. At least it would give me the chance to express my own view on the matter, and perhaps give me some insight on what / how they think and how it looks to them.

I must say, however, for a long time I was taking stupid criticisms on board and responding to them by acting on them. "Don't do xyz" I would be told, so I stopped doing xyz. Then everyone would be told "he can't do xyz anymore, he is incapable". Turns out they were just playing silly games, probably because they could never do xyz to start with.

Don't let criticism get to you, use it as a means to work out how they work and to help with communication.

I guess I just can't accomplish it.

So I'm doomed to feel too much.

I really wish I could give you some tips, but I'm afraid I can't. I am terrible sensitive myself, and I have tried to develop a thicker skin a million times (I am now 39) but with no success. Of course you can try to go numb, but not feeling anything is not a good option either.

I'm afraid that we'll just have to accept being sensitive fools and make the best of it. I am trying to turn it into an advantage instead of a disadvantage. I my case I am striving to become a succesful artist - one of the few trades where being weird is a qualification and not the opposite.

Just staying away from people also helps

Cheer up. You may be able to turn it into a good thing.

Interestingly, I believe that using the internet has helped me to develop a thicker skin. I know sometimes it's easy and tempting to rise to bait online, but with practice you can assert yourself quite well on forums etc. This helped me deal with moany emails from customers in my last job.

Unfortunately, sometimes people are very smart arsed and one guy (via phone) asked if I'd ever heard of a post box. He was pissed off which is fair enough, he was entitled to be, but I would pretty much never answer back in kind, at least not in a work situation. His remark did throw me briefly. Sometimes people are overly critical, and I think in situations like that you just have to say to yourself that says more about them than it does about you.

Is that it? I'm supposed to imbrace my oversensitive qualities? And be kicked around by my insensitive family and other callous people? I'm not even in college yet! How can I live with this? I think drugs are the only way, but I don't know how to find connections.

I'm not sensitive like an artist, I express it more in a histrionic way. I guess I'll go into the shadows into the emo culture.

OMG! I've lost contact!

What I meant is that if someone blows up in your face, calls you all sorts of ugly names, being completely over the top.. then that type of behaviour is not your fault and simply have to learn to not take it personally. I don't think anyone is suggesting that you get over it or just roll over and take an arse kicking. You've taken a step by simply recognising it and talking about how it bothers you.

Can you give us specific examples of what you were talking about in your first post?

When I'm mocked or when someone has a habit of perpetual sarcasm (I think I might just be jealous because I'm jealous of their wit.) When they criticize my life, about not having one, tell me I can't have friends because I don't know how to be one myself, tell me my interests are childish and when they make me feel like a big baby. How am I supposed to feel more mature and responsible when I have that stuff being rubbed in my face?