Shame

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Shame. Who else feels it for no apparent reason? I am now extremely ashamed of myself. I was in a really uncomfortable situation that involved interacting with lots of people and socializing is not my forte. I feel drained. All eyes were on me. It was way out of my comfort zone. I feel ashamed.

I don't want to describe the entire situation because 1. it would be too long boring, and 2. people I know in "real life" might read it and know who I am. I always like to preserve my anonymity, and that's particularly important now considering some extremely personal/risque things I've posted in different forums. But I am looking for some kind of comfort, because I feel so bad and anxious I'm hurting myself physically to alleviate the emotional pain.

To give an idea of what happened: I found a group of people through one of my interests. I thought it would be a good way to make my hobby more or less socially acceptable, to be allowed to talk about it extensively. I felt that people liked me and it was a great feeling. I liked them too. I felt loved and accepted. But just because we have that thing in common, it doesn't mean they don't notice and criticize my weirdness. Now that I'm getting to know them better and vice versa, and we spend more and more time together things are not the same. They are actually some of the most judgemental people I've ever encountered. This is the lowest I've felt in a long time. I feel like crying but I can't. That's probably a good thing though, I'm tired of crying. All I want is to be loved and accepted. I want to meet a man who will not only accept my behavior, but fully embrace it and be proud of me. I have so much to offer! But I know it's hard to find true love, even for NTs without all the social issues I have. So for now, all I want is some good friends who accept me and think I'm awesome. But I'm struggling. I'm lonely and I have no one to call and talk to. I'm tired of all the cliches. "You're so beautiful, why are you depressed?", or "You need to be confident!". I don't have a low self-esteem. I love myself, but it's hard to stay confident and happy when every time I interract with others it seems like I say or do something inappropriate. Has anyone who experienced these things found effective coping strategies? Please help!

I can definitely relate. The superficial remarks about looks, etc. are just so lame, thoughtless and not supportive at all.

Unfortunately, I haven't figured out what to do in those situations, and I probably pretty much cope the way you do. I've found other ways than self-hurting to express the pain... I wear myself out somehow... hiking, punching the bed, dancing in the living room, throwing rocks as far as I can... whatever it takes to not hurt myself. That's like joining the ones who have already harmed your soul. One day, I just flat effing refused to help them that way.

Then I just put on my favorite calming music on infinite repeat, roll up in a blanket, sob my heart out and drift away... in and out of sleep.

{{{Hugs}}}

I can relate, too. At work I'm surrounded by people who say they're my friends, but they have a funny way of showing it. I get the whole "You need to be more confident!" routine all the time. I also get the "You just need to get out more!" routine. You'd think if they were friends, they might actually, oh, I don't know, INVITE me to do something with them?! The best part is when you tell someone you're feeling down and the response is, "I don't like being around people who are down...it's draining."

But I digress...

I wish I could offer you some coping mechanisms. Distraction works for me sometimes, working on something that kind of takes me out of myself, so to speak. Does that make sense? Getting away for a little while, like a nice scenic drive, sometimes helps me put things in perspective. Music has always been my best friend, too, in these types of situations.

Maybe just sharing what you just did will help. Maybe knowing that there are other people who feel the same will help. I know in the short time I've been a part of this forum I've felt less alone, less an outcast.

I'm not sure what else I can say.

guys, thank you so much for the beautiful, supportive posts! I feel much better now and I'll try what you suggested!

Take it from someone who was doomed from birth, in a way they are right, there are something wrong with us. But not the way they think, that's the worst part of life: We allways seem to want to think good of everyone and find a place to fit in. That's what's wrong with us.

Humans are greedy, selfish and stupid.

My way to cope with it:
Assume that everyone you meet is an idiot (without treating them like it) and be happy when you meet someone who isn't it completly.

Not very positive, but all to accurate.

Hang in there, you allways got us.

I've been feeling like drowning myself on a regular basis because of how reckless I've been, how many mistakes I've made, how little pleasure I've gotten out of life, and how little I've contributed to society, possibly due partly (though certainly not entirely) to drug use.

Just silly stuff. Things I don't want to commit suicide over. But... oh, wait... here come the voices...

Lately I've been alternating between pride and shame. I don't really know which to feel. I've helped a lot of people, but I've also landed myself in a rut.

I know that one purpose of pain is to correct mistakes and help you be more careful, and that without it, one would become even more reckless. But I don't see why I have to feel like committing suicide every time the pain comes. What's with me? Why do I feel like doing something that few people have told me they want me to do?

Now I'm thinking about Christianity and its division of all people into 'good' and 'bad.' Doesn't that seem a little one-dimensional to anyone? The thought of being considered a 'bad person' frightens me quite a bit.

I wonder if I'm just meant to suffer. I hope not.

I personally decided to believe the thoughts that enabled me, helped me continue to try. It's perfectly normal to make mistakes. Edison made some outrageous number of attempts before he invented the first light bulb. Someone once asked him how he handled all the failure, and he said... they were not failures. Now I know what DOESN'T work, so I can go on to find out what does.

View life as a grand experiment; allow the mistakes to educate yourself, and the successes to encourage yourself.



To a certain degree that's a normal response... hence the word 'mortified'... that is just getting out of hand. Remember, it's just a feeling/thought, and you don't have to buy into it. Many people have those thoughts, they just don't believe them. Those thoughts/feelings have no inherent existence, you cannot drop them on your toe, they have less substance than a bowl of cereal, just say to them "Ah, you again. Same dumb message.... boooooring!" Acknowledge it and then turn your mental back. Snub it; it's not your friend.

As for the good/bad dichotomy... that's overly simplistic. And if you investigate, that's not what deeper Christianity is about. As far as I know, none of the major religions are at their deeper level.

Here is a quote from the Dalai Lama...
"Take your body and mind as a laboratory, engage in some thorough research on your own mental functioning, and examine the possibility of making some positive changes within yourself."

What thoughts enable and encourage you? Rejoice and 'feed' them. What thoughts leave you depressed and suicidal? Recognize them as enemy and defeat them.

Each one of us has something unique and wonderful to bring into the world. Only if we develop our lives, nurture them with love, kindness, generosity and intelligence can we bring our particular gift forward.

DonkeyBuster, I am really impressed with everything you have to say! I'm your fan now. I think next time I have a crisis I'll just send you a message instead of posting here.

Well, thank you, I'm glad what I said was helpful. And you're certainly welcome to PM me, but you would be denying us both the opportunity to learn from other's wisdom if you did. There are a lot of wonderful, experienced, caring people on these boards. And we all benefit from hearing each other's perspective, even if we disagree with it.

No matter what, never give up. Life is hard for every living being, but as thinking individuals, we can realize our life as the rare and precious gift it is both for ourselves and for others.

Blessings,
DB

Thanks DB for the words of wisdom, once again! I think you're right. You've also inspired me to read other people's threads and try to help them to the best of my ability.

Hey livinglearning! god i feel the same way... i always just feel so damm guilty and ashamed of myself... stupid thing is everyone alwyas is going on about what a good preson i am etc and that i should do this or that but i hate to hear that just makes me feel more guilty

I read your post, i also really dont like that kind of default 'caring' interaction, its annoying, its feels strange, like you know it doenst fit you. everyone around me is always so critical and cynical about the world and i just want to be happy and creative and enjoy everything, i feel like i dont fit in. there adivise and constant way to inform me really gets me down too its just feels like they have little or no real understanding of who i am at all ..

there misunderstnading then starts to make me feel so bad because it stays with me and its alsmost like i feel compelled sunconsciously to furfill theyre desires to affect me and my beahviour.... also i jsut feel plain lonely and i give up and pretend. to just have one person who intuivly understand my mood or feeling would cure all my malaise instantly, feel like being really alive that level of harmony...

thats my dream in life... i have loved so many people and given them my all and helped to help themso much that all i want is soemone to love me as i am also.. but everyone is always so sure what you should be or do... i feel like i have no defenses compared to everyone else... its suffocating.

anyway not sure any of this helps! but your not alone