Thinking about it

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I'm in a pretty bad way right now. I'm not actively thinking of suicide anytime soon, but it's on my mind as an option for the future.

I just can't see how my life can improve from this point. I've tried, and tried, and tried to change, and nothing ever seems different. I've seen other people go through problems, even those with Autism/AS, and most of them are now on the way out of them. I don't know anyone in real life with a situation as grim as mine. Here's a few of the things I've been dealing with:

--- My entire memory is shot. Mind is like a sieve. Can't remember conversations, plots of films, anything. Feel like an idiot with it.

--- Can't feel anything, all of my senses are blunted. I can't smell when other people smell things; can't appreciate the flavours in foods (which makes me an awful cook); can't filter out sounds, and often have to ask people to repeat themselves several times.

--- Not good looking, balding at 22, short, skinny. Don't have looks to help me out in life.

--- Very bad socially, come across as 'awkward', find it hard to make friends, harder to keep friends. Social circle gets smaller by the year.

--- Little chance of a long-term relationship in future. Almost all relationships so far have ended pretty quickly. Don't even know if I could handle a relationship anyway.

--- Chronic tinnitus, ringing in my ears, all the time. Can't have silence anymore.

--- Seem unable to learn new skills; took me forever to learn how to drive, seem to mess up on everything when I'm learning it, find it hard to follow instructions and do things.

--- Have no extraordinary talents, no field of knowledge I'm really good in, nothing that could help me there.

--- Can't even speak properly anymore, and sound like an idiot whenever I'm talking.

--- Lots of other things I haven't even gone into here.

Basically, I feel like I've genetically been dealt a bad hand in life, and I don't feel there's much I can do about it. A lot of AS and autistic folks excel in a particular area, but I don't have any such talent. Not only are my social skills bad, but I can't even hear most conversations clearly and seem to fail to observe almost everything going on around me. And when it comes to improving things for myself, I seem unable even to learn new skills and make use of them. I don't feel like there's any way I can improve myself.

So, you see, I'm more or less stuck. Sometimes I can't really believe things have turned out this way, and yet they have. I'm not going anywhere, I'm unlikely to be able to find a partner, I'm unlikely to be able to get a decent career, and I'm highly likely to be a burden on my family for a long time. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and hopeless and don't see the point of it.

I know I'm depressed, I just think I have legitimate reasons to be depressed. If things don't improve in a couple of years, there's no doubt in my mind that I'll end it.

Wow. I agree, you have been dealt a bad hand in the genetic sweepstakes.

AND I want to point out a couple of things...
A. Your cognitive skills as presented in your posting appear to be in pretty good shape.
B. You expressed yourself well in your posting, good english and grammar.
These are strong positives.

I think there may be several things going on all at once, that need to be separated out and dealt with individually.

Your hearing is deteriorating. Tinnitus can be exacerbated by medications... have you investigated that angle? Also, if the tinnitus is worsening on its own (not medication) it can be treated. Have you looked into that?

Do you have access to medical evaluation? The loss of smell/taste and memory loss may be due to a medical condition besides AS. Are you on any medications? It may be time to adjust or change them. Not to be alarmist, but you might benefit from a brain scan or EEG.

I'd address the physical symptoms first. Once you're more comfortable in your body, then the social aspect will be easier to address.

And keep posting here, because you're clearly just fine in this format.
I never would have noticed you were balding.

I completely agree with that, and I'm looking to get medical testing at the moment. My medical problems don't end there. I've had tons and tons of symptoms for a long time, and no real explanation. I've not yet found an answer, and doctors aren't always as helpful as you'd like. I'm not on any medications so they aren't the cause of this.

It's just like...damn. I don't know anyone who's been cursed with this many genetic problems, and I've not even gone into the half of it. My life really is one hell of a mess, and most of it is stuff beyond my power to change. I just don't know what the hell to do.

It sounds like you've got a lot of different things going on, and that's always hard to sort out. It's going to take a lot of dogged persistence on your part... probably some serious web-research.

I understand about the medical profession not being as helpful as one would like, but also understand the difficulty of the question AND the chaos in the medical system right now.

Have you made a log of your problems? That can be very helpful to a doc... a list of symptoms, severity, changes, especially if they're intermittent.

Can you get a referral to a neurologist?

Besides the tinnitus, loss of smell/taste and memory, do you have the digestive difficulties that can affect autists? Have you looked into celiac disease? That can be a cause of chronic low weight and poor health.

Have you been checked for fragile X? I don't know a lot about it, but I think it comes with a s***load of physical health problems.