I just want to live

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My family is poor as hell and could not afford to send me anywhere but the local university, so the last 4 years of my life have been spent almost entirely in my own head in my childhood bedroom. Sometimes I hang out with my best friend from HS who has now become a professional drug lord that I have nothing but the past in common with anymore. During my last semester, I decided to start talking to people in my classes more often, and I have made a couple friends through that, but they're only colleagues (i.e. we only talk shop) if they live on campus. Oddly enough, the three commuters I've met are in the same social situation that I'm in (i.e. no real friends to speak of). One of them is a transsexual (I just found out about this a week ago, and I respect it, but he's about to enter a completely different culture than me), the other is a cute girl that rejected my romantic advances but still likes hanging out with me as a friend (awkward, but I'll get over it), and the other dude is kind of sketchy but means well.

I haven't belonged to a real social group since my first year at another college that I dropped out of like 5 years ago. I graduate this summer, so joining any clubs at school is going to be out of the question to resolve this problem. I could move out of my parents house when I graduate, but I have literally no money in the bank.

Does being employed make you happier generally and allow you to make your way into some kind of social group? Employment is definitely one thing I'll try this fall (I'm thinking temp work or a research assistant internship perhaps). I want to return to the mental patterns I was in during my first year in college living in the dorms. I was so freaking happy being accepted by a relatively large group of people and being somewhat independent then. I kind of feel like everything past that point in my life has been like falling off a cliff indefinitely and the last 6 months have felt like the rate of descent increased exponentially. My mind is sick and tired of living inside of itself. I have at least two more months of this (summer class I need to graduate starts in July and ends at the end of August). Like this stuff is getting so pathetic that I have told my family that I've met all sorts of neat people at school and have a girlfriend now. So like every night, I go to the library to work on my thesis until like 2am and they think I'm out having fun. Somehow this makes me feel better momentarily, but it's really quite insane.

I'd say getting a job, will socially put you out there, especially depending on what type of job you get. Depending on what type of socializing you are capable of, if you prefer small groups then try to get a job that would allow that.

I was able to get a job simply because my mom decided to buy a restaurant for no real reason. It sucked at first, the manager was mean as hell and I sucked at it, but i've been here for over a year now and it has at least taken me out of the isolation I was in before.. an isolation that lasted damn near 2 years. I wasn't in college, I wasn't working, I wasn't doing squat.

I do know what you mean by being socially accepted tho, when I was in college things were way freaking different than they are even now. I had group interactions, I met with people after school just to freaking do a project and talked and joked around. People didn't judge me and I was free being slightly witty and somewhat charming. People who are unlike me and have this every day don't understand.

But while I know its something.. I want, even limitedly, I know i'm lucky. I know that there are people out there having relationships, having kids and not having even a real choice as to how there life goes. I know that while I maintain a long distance relationship which sucks because of distance, it might be a blessing, because until I gain more self respect and self esteem and belief in myself a push over like me would be too embarrassed to constantly be seen with my girlfriend in public. Heck, I just have major social problems, which I know are nothing to make light of but there are people out there with way worse. At least I have opportunity to be happy still. I want to believe that socializing within my own standard is possible, I want to believe having a life i've had a taste of once before is also possible.

Sigh, not to make my reply anymore of a run on, but don't lie to your family. Its hard to explain it here in great detail, but while socializing, inability to make eye contact, making small talk etc is something thats a problem for aspie, not being yourself will keep you down even worse.

I have realized that for me it is a severe cause of depression, this weird, socially ungraceful young man is getting hurt every time he swallows his pride and lies to appear to be something he's not. I am swallowing my pride everytime I put on the appearance that my life is f***ing picture perfect to appease others.. and its funny I myself do that too, but I realized just the other day that it is a huge reason why I feel weighed down.

I agree that being true to yourself and not lying about the social thing is a really good idea. I could go out into the world right now and "act" my way into any circle I choose. I did it for yrs as one who didn't know they were an aspie, only knew I was indeed from another planet, and whatever I was, it wasn't like everyone else and wasn't acceptable. So... easily, I became a performer of sorts. I was still genuine, mind you, but must constantly filter and edit myself in these public, socail scenarios and it became mentaly/ emotionaly/ spiritualy exhausting... so I have dropped out of life for awhile. When I re-enter the world, it will be on my terms. I am not suggesting you do this, but I am suggesting, however, as a person beginning life, rather than a person in the midst of their life like me, age 34, married with 4 children (2 of them wonderful little aspies) when you would have to break stream to change everything.... In other words, don't start the stream of your life in a path you will later want to overturn but the tide may get too strong. You may trap yourself into a life and a role you are not, and even with all the friends in the world, that will not make you happy. Trust me. Take it from someone who has been there. AND- please don't think I am not affirming your feelings in any way, you are valid in feeling the way you do living home as opposed to campus. However, I must contrast your experience and give you the perspective that my family didn't contribute anything to my education, and I was asked to leave the house at 18 yrs old. You have a wonderful gift in your education and your family support. I am thinking you may not want to hear that right now, but I am also hoping hearing it may remind you of what you have and help you be grateful for a start in life not everyone gets. I attempted to attend college after bearing my frist child at age 22 and had to take out student loans that are still not paid, even though I didn't get to finish my education. I am not sad or regretful about my life, everything I have done has made me who I am, so I am not complaining by any means. I just don't want you to think your family is poor, that you are in the minority, that it is "normal" to have your parents give you a ride through college, that is just the populous of the planet you are exposed to now. Getting a job will give you new opportunities, but also many, many challenges and facing them in this state of mind won't do well for you, I fear. What is perhaps needed is to find YOU and find others who like what you like, find what is in your community off campus. A group or groups that will serve you well through your transition. You need inspiritaion to change your point of veiw, I hope you find it... and can be true to yourself no matter what.