I don't know what is happening to me lately.
I wonder if I am losing my ability to communicate constructively with other people.
There was a point a couple of years ago (right after my parent's divorce and my concomitant short jaunt to NJ), where there was plenty to discuss about the family. My aunt was deeply betrayed by mother's actions, and I spent a few weeks with her and my older sister after I had to come back from NJ.
I developed some bonds with them that were not there before. I never really (due to my mom monopolizing the weekly phone calls, and face to face conversations on our yearly visits to Idaho) talked to my aunt before 2006. There were a lot of fights in the family between my sisters and my dad because my mother had been brainwashing them and telling them lies about my dad. My littlest sister (15-16 at the time) got raging drunk a couple of times and regularly came home at three in the morning throwing things at my dad. Me and my dad are still relatively close, because we have a face to face relationship and he knows what is going on in my life (except for my nerdy interests and hobbies).
I worry about my dad because I live in a single parent family and he is nearly 70 years old and we live all alone in Montana - no relatives - for the time being). I worry about what I would do if he had a stroke, heart attack, or died in his sleep.
Me and my younger sisters have, until recently, had little communication with each other, due to a difference of opinions and interests.
However, I wonder if there is a disconnect between me and my relatives, because my relationship with them is mediated primarily over the telephone.
Frankly, I just don't feel like I have anything to say anymore. Most of the family conflicts that once dominated my conversations are have become less apparent or are gone (basically my family is once again a family, except for my mother).
I have my interests, but I understand on both a subtle and a manifest level that I cannot discuss anything that interests me like Pokemon, Anime, Science, Politics, or Nerd stuff in any great detail. I even feel like I cannot talk even to nerds (except a few who seem somewhat autistic).
I have been in a community college for 2 1/2 years but recently graduated. All I have to do now is occasionally go over to the library for volunteer work until we move to Boise, Idaho later next month. The only real way I pass my time is by surfing the internet, playing Pokemon on my Nintendo DS, and/or taking long walks alone where I talk to myself.
I don't drive, and I usually take my walks alone. I took a walk with my dad yesterday and there was a lot of quiet times.
I just don't know if I am afraid to discuss what's been going on in my life or if my brain has been atrophying and I am becoming progressively mentally ret*d.
The only other Aspie in the area is in denial as to the fact that he even has Aspergers.
Why am I bringing this up?
My aunt called tonight and talked to me for about 19 minutes. I kept having mental slips while I was talking to her, and having long awkward pauses. I asked the "how's the weather and the family"-style questions, but I really don't know what to say. I don't know what to say anymore to her. She seems to think that I am not talking to my sisters very much, and that is the cause of my communications problems. I have been talking to her less frequently lately. I am kinda hoping to have a long talk with her once I get moved down to Idaho.
My aunt is deeply into Bible prophecy and current events related to the same. Although she likes discussing politics to some extent, it reflects in her strong interest in the goings-on in the Middle East. I tend to be more interested in East Asia over the middle east (I am getting sick and tired of hearing about this IED that went off in Iraq, or that kidnapping of Israeli soldiers Hezbollah committed, or the car bomb that went off in Afghanistan). Al Qaeda is less of a threat than North Korea is.
My politics and religious beliefs have diverged wildly from hers. She is more dogmatic and fundamentalist in her approach to Christianity, while I am more sentimental and emotional in my belief in God. I am also open to other religions, particularly Buddhism (due mainly to the non-judgmental nature of the religion and a family history on my dad's side) My family doesn't usually go to church, except for my sister.
The few friends I do (or did) have up here in Montana mostly moved to the university centres like Missoula, Butte, Bozeman, and Billings, or have work commitments and other friends they consider more important.
I've been wanting to hang out with some of my friends, but they are all too busy for me.
One of my friends recently called and wanted to hang out (after I begged him a couple of months earlier), but I got too nervous and was noncommittal.
I am hoping that I can start over, from the ground up when I get to Idaho, but a lot of potential friends that I will be going to university with down there have been added on either Myspace or Facebook and probably know something about my mental state from reading my status updates.
I get jittery when the phone rings and it is someone for me or the IM window pops up and someone wants to talk. I have to choose the conversation topics and I just don't know.
I just don't know what is going on with me anymore. Am I really stupid or what.
22 Jun 2009, 10:55 pm
. Having problems with phone conversations and picking topics to discuss is nervousness/anxiety due to feeling of pressure (I get the same thing) 
. Moving and trying to "start over" in a manner will probably help.
