?

Post Reply New Topic

I'll start this off by asking if I'm driving you all nuts with my constant whining. If I am i'll stop.

Im sad im never happy. Well sometimes im happy but it is very fleeting.

I thought when I got away from the home and people who abused me i would feel better.

I though it was them who made me this way.

Its been 6 months and i think im doing better but im not sure. I feel like i make my boyfriend sad by always complaing about this and that.

I feel like i snap at him because im so angry at myself.

I really hate myself. I hate myself so much that i hit and punch myself becuase i cant stand seeing myself.

And because its me i cant get away from myself.

I really hate myself. I want to kick the crap out of me. I really hate myself.

All i do is hurt the ones around me and i hate it.

Why cant I go a day without being sad or complaing or getting angry?

I wish i had the streingth to be alone so I sould go hide in a cave and be away from everone else.

All i bring the ones closest to me is misery!

god i hate myself.


I'm all messed up and i shouldent have been bourn that so true . I'm good for nothing and i just bring peopl down.


If i wasent afraid to die i would get a gun and shoot myslef. The thoguht of it makes me smile.

nevermind

Last edited by just-me on 23 Jun 2009, 11:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nevermind.

Last edited by just-me on 23 Jun 2009, 11:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nevermind.

Last edited by just-me on 23 Jun 2009, 11:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nevermind.

Last edited by just-me on 23 Jun 2009, 11:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Im sorry everyone for my comments. Im just really sad.

Hey, hang in there--things get better with time.

My thoughts-spoil yourself for a day or so--get lost in a good book, watch a few movies, take a walk.

And you haven't driven me nuts with your whining. We all need to vent from time to time.

Hope things improve,

David

the sad thing is Ive been like this since age 6.

I dont work because im so unable im on dissablity. So I sit watching tv most of the day anyways.

Ive tried almost everything.
It helps temporarily to vent but tomorrow it starts all over again.

Ive been in 4 mental hospitals and there is no medication that works for me.

None of the members who have been here for a while answer my posts in tha haven. I'm guessing there sick of me. I dont think that a bad thing. They have there own problems. I just bring everyone down.


that's why i hate myself. I really do. I cant do anything. Going to my dr appointments is overwhelming for me.

I wish i could stay inside all the time. I am finding i care less and less anout things.

Im really worried im gonna lose my boyfriend just like ve lost everything else. He is so supportive of me but he needs to take care of himself to. he spends all day every day looking after me and i think he is getting tired of it.

My friends all left me for the same reason. I dont blame any of them for it its just the way things work.

My boyfriend is a wonderfull guy and he helped me come s far but now im stuck and perhaps going backwords.

He needs to get a job and he cant take care of me all the time like this when he is doig that. He wants to work to see me . but I'm woried he is going to leave me becuase im so selfish and sad all the time.

Ive also had a reall bad temper lately and i think im scaring him.

Im done trying to change i feel like its gotten me no where.

i dont want to leave this fourm but im afraid if ikeep this up ill eventually get banned for being such an awfull person.

but I appreceate the responce heckeler06 .

thanks.

I'm sorry that life is so difficult for you right now, Just-me. It sounds like you need more support than you're getting. Your boyfriend shouldn't have to deal with your issues on his own- you're right, he needs to be able to get a job and have some life of his own as well as his life with you. Are you seeing a therapist, or is that the doctor that you're "overwhelmed" by? Maybe your boyfriend needs to talk to your doctor for you and try to get you some more help.

Of course you're not an "awful person". Just because you feel down and see yourself in a negative light, it doesn't mean that other people do. The Haven is supposed to be a place where people can vent and ask for support, so I don't see why anyone would want to ban you for doing exactly that. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Take care, Jenny.

I have been there just-me where I have hit my face in frustration and self hatred. I was going to suggest meds until I read they didn't work for you. I wouldn't give up though. M.D.'s aren't always up on the latest that's available and some people give up after the first try. If you could try to do one small thing a day, such as take a walk or comment on the weather with the clerk at the convenience store, you might find it stimulates your brain a little. Watching TV all day can't help. TV gives an unrealistic expectation of what life should be like. Anyone would feel like a failure if they took that crap to heart. I think maybe part of the problem is you feel guilty about being depressed because our society still has that social stigma about mental illness and that kind of cultural conditioning can be hard to overcome. I don't know if this applies but in order to overcome alcoholism I had to learn to listen to my brain in a detached manner, i.e. if my mind told me I needed a drink I would try to look at it as this is a part of my brain that is lying to me. Maybe if your mind tells you that you are worthless you can tell yourself-this is my disease talking- I don't have to act on it. I've read a lot about this and it takes practice to acknowledge negative thought and then dismiss them but it helps. Please don't think I'm trying to say you can wish away your depression, I've had enough people try to tell me that, but I hope small things will lift the bell jar a little. You are not alone.

yes Ive been trying to counter my negative thinking. its just really hard. Iv had this problem for a very long time.

Part of it is the stigma about mental illness. People expect me to be happy all the time and when i show im sad they either run away or try to convince me back onto meds.

I've been on most of whats out there and the side effects made me worse off then anything. and they did not help me feel better.

I just feel like i should be better already . I see other people with these problems going to work and living there lives why cant i?

What am i doing wrong?

I went for a walk in the rain cause that used to cheer me up but then a dog was running across the rode . I tried to get it to come to me so it wouldn't get hit but it ran away.

i hear a loud yelp in the distance and i tried to see where he want but I couldn't find him. I think he got hit by a car.

Now i feel worse then when i left.

When I start hating myself I do things that I am good at and it makes me feel better. I don't know how deep you are in self hatred right now but I don't think it is too late to try something new. Have you tried volunteering at a local animal shelter. I know you like animals and I find animals to be quite enjoyable to be around. They need lots of love and care from people like you who have such amazing skills. And they don't ask questions and they don't judge and they offer lots of love for those who love them. It sounds like something that might help. Just an idea. Please email or PM me if you have anything you want to talk about.

That's a good idea WaterWater My depressions are controlled well by meds but I still have brief mini depressions. I find if I do something constructive it helps too- like cleaning. I know how hard it is too to motivate. After a time I stopped talking about how I felt because I felt like people were sick of it but now that I'm better I realized they were just frustrated because they wanted me to feel better but didn't know how to help me after all the usual suggestions proved ineffective.

Going outside is stressful for me but your right i need to do stuff im good at. Ive started a story and it makes me feel accomplished.

Thanks for the good advice WaterWater !

Just-me, you've actually brought a lot of light and good thoughts and kindness to this forum while you've been here so don't ever think that. Have you tried Lovan? It's working pretty well for me, just a small dosage and I make sure I do a decent walk every day.

I went through a period of extreme self-hate like you are in, and it's damn hard to pull yourself out of it but I got there eventually (with on and off relapses). You've got to try and change your thinking patterns. It's really really easy (too easy) to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong and invent reasons why you've screwed other people over (even when you haven't). There's in a fact almost a sadistic pleasure in it as you torture yourself. You've got to try and break out, because this sort of thinking just keeps you on a downward spiral. Are you seeing a psychologist?