I wish I could just vanish and not deal..

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I've had ups and downs but it really is getting to a point where I can't seem to deal with people. They're behavior and attitude affects me in so many ways that I don't know what to do except do what I use to do and use.

Anyway, looking back at my life and the patterns I've created, I'm not productive and have never been good at anything. I'm beginning to really hate other aspects about me and I just wish I could vanish. Already tried suicide a few times and regreted it. I can't seem to get my act together or please people. I'm getting too tired in explaining to people who misread me since I appear a certain way that isn't indicative to what I'm feeling at the moment.

It's not so much everyone's else's fault but the physical and mental pain is disrupting me on a daily basis. I'm already on a load of antidepressants and have tried eating right. Nothing seems to work and I really don't see my future getting better but worse.

Anyway just a rant, it just gets worse around me and I'm sick and tired of people telling me you're lucky or someday you'll.....as nothing good as ever came out of me.

Im new to the page and at the risk of sounding arrogant i will say a couple of stuff.

1st of all: if you know you have aspergers maybe on the social side you should try to be the more basic you can. like try to not go off ranting and stuff and just try to get by without caussing to much hastle. I know that sounds kinda hard, and specially hard on the aspie-pride side of things, but what the hell. i had to do that this last couple years, just understand that im somehow different and keep everything simple cause i know how coplicated things can get if you go around explaining everything to everybody. Its kind of hard but i think after a while you get used to it, used to let things come and go without affecting you much and then you can give other things like your family or your special interests more time and effort.

2 - couldn't you work out some way to work at your house, or maybe get another job where you socialize less, or maybe a job thats intended to do in your house? i never tried any of this so im not sure how it works.

maybe by telling your boss you have AS or saying you have some issues and you need some help maybe he could get some help in what you're having trouble...

im just guessing you're having trouble at work though you didnt say so in your post. but what im basically saying here is that you have to work out things to work for yourself, i mean, try to arrange things in a way that leaves out some complications.

i have suicidal thoguhts crossing my mind here and there but i dont pay no mind... theyre generally just mistakes i made in the past or sometimes just the day before but i just analyze it the better i can and go on cause theres not much i can do about it.

Hope you get better and hope my advice at least makes you think of alternatives to your problems.

Thing is, over-analyzing everything seems to both help, and not help.

I've gotten a lot better at realizing when I'm making mistakes (though usually still quite a while afterwards). It helps me to make sense of why people are mad, or upset, or whatever.

However, I'm not getting better at comprehending others. I get that I'm the one that's not relating (or so they all claim), but really, they just don't understand me, and don't try at all to. Their brains tell them that an Aspie is really just angry, or mean, or weird, or something.

And instead of thinking it through, they assume their preconceived notions are right, and I'm left the bad guy. Now that I know they aren't nearly as smart as they think they are, its better. Doesn't help me to be close to people, but does help me to calm down.

Fact is, people are highly conditioned, and don't really think rationally. And, I don't think that can be fixed. People are too scared to examine the real world and instead prefer to hate/fear all things different.

Think about getting yourself off the anti-depressants. You won't gain any confidence in yourself if you're relying on those. They're useful in the short term but are not meant for long term use although doctors often forget to mention it. If anything it will be a change, I felt an unbelievable difference after stopping like waking up from a coma. Always consult a physician before changing meds of course.

i never get happy to hear that people are on antidepressants.

i always imagine people without them. how much worse can it be? your on antidepressants, but still you feel bad enough to make a thread about it :/

hope you feel better soon

I wish I could dissapear. But sadly, no one actually can.

True, I think my biggest dream would be to leave...maybe dissappear into a country like New Guinea or somewhere away from civilization.

I just don't want to have another breakdown and end up in another psych ward. My doctor keeps upping my dose in meds. I can't afford it so I'm wondering if I should just get off of them slowly. But the antianxiety pills always calm me down so don't know what to do. Anyway, my verbal skills suck so it's still hard for me to be assertive and upfront with anyone. I'm also getting a little tired of people who make it a habit of using me because they can't do their job and then saying crap about me behind my back....the very same people. Didn't bug me as much when I thought I'd win their approval by "helping them out"...but I guess I've learned a hard lesson in this, people are going to treat you more like a doormatt than a person if you're nice. Now it's like they expect me to back them up and do whatever it is they don't want to do.

The phrase that often crosses my mind is "Wam bam, thankyou ma'm", whenever I'm willing to help them out. Only forget the thankyou part. Really I have myself to blame since growing up I was always naive and tried to see the good in people. Now I'm seeing nothing but the bad side. If I had as much money as these people who brag about what they spent on, I think I'd be more greatful rather than arrogant.

Anyway I'm rambling. I think I'm done with the way I'm being treated. I don't expect much but I really don't ask to be treated stupid and get disrespected with the gossip and ostracization. I didn't leave highschool just to enter another one. So I think I'm through, I don't know what I'll do except leave. It's gotten to the point now where I'm feeling physically sick.

For years I've felt the same way about helping people out, I always felt like I had to bend over backwards helping people out, just to get people to like me. Working hard and feeling appreciated used to make me feel so good! But then when I realized that people quickly forgot what I did, I'd have to work harder and harder to win their appreciation, and all it did was set people's expectations of me so high that it became an impossible situation for me. I would try to explain my frustrations but people never understood; all I would get was the utterly useless advice like "wow, try not to get upset, it's not a big deal." One, they're never in a position to give so much, so they don't understand what it feels like to do it. Two, that's just a way for them to shut you up and not have to deal with the consequences of their freeloading. Their goal, whether they know it or not, is to keep the freeloading stream of "you give, I take" going. All that, and I would get so little that was productive in return. Wouldn't it be so satisfying to find somebody who'd actually bend over backwards for me for a change?? Is that too much to ask?

MissConstrue, I wonder if you feel exhausted dealing with people, not only because you'd have to invest so much energy into the social skills to interact with people, but also the extra energy you have to put in to help all these freeloaders out. You deserve a break from these leeches with bad attitudes. I hope you'll be able to find a reliable way to recharge yourself and be happy again. Also I agree with the others: I'm not so sure the antidepressants are going to do much good. It's not you who needs the drugs. It's these other people who misguidedly believe that they can leech ad infinitum and not destroy other people or the world in the process.

You could join the army, then you'll have unlimited friends

I am sorry you are so down MissConstrue...

sense I do not know you on a personal level it seems odd for me to give you some advice

there are other means though of calming oneself down besides "anti anxiety pills"

maybe a cup of 'lemon balm tee' (I grow this stuff in the garden and have not tried it myself, but I heard good things about it)

for your depression and positive outlook toward humanity I will give you this ( I would give you real ones if I could)

MissConstrue, I'm in the same situation, but I can't even imagine what it'd be like to work and not be fired. If I could keep a job, I think that'd get me out of this terrible depression. I just don't see an escape for me from dying in the streets.

Sure...