it's official...

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The last girl that I have ever been attracted to in my life just got a boyfriend... That means every woman I have ever considered as a partner has a boyfriend, doesn't like me, or is just not into relationships...

There is nobody left for me now...

I think you're close to an important realization, you just need to accept your cynicism again. When you don't have the girl in front of you, it's ok to say f*** it and do something else to find happiness, it might be hard since you can do anything in the world and this seems to be that one stumbling block. But if you look to other sources of enjoyment and remember not to be terrified of trying again, it'll be like puzzle work, you're gonna have more answers every time you give it a shot. I learned the hard way not to be nervous, then I realized I was just gonna be nervous anyway until I found a good way to deal with some of my life stressors. It's like juggling, as soon as you throw a ball you catch one only to throw another one right away. If you think there's nothing left for you in women, go to a juggling group and try to learn how to juggle, that concept of motion helps to realize an emotional balance that is hard for AS to maintain. You might see some girls over there, but they're only there to distract you, you're in it for the juggling and they want to give you another runaround. You need to tell yourself that they can take a hike and that you're there to learn some juggling.

In the end you have to realize that nobody is going to adapt 100% to your 100% right off the bat. There are subtler ways of expressing your less acceptable characteristics. I come off as completely immature and cluless for example, instead of pointing it out, I just accept it and have fun coming up with more amusing activities on the side. I show people the serious side they want to see and I cover the rest, there isn't a simple way of doing it, but it is doable if you get some practice.

You're not being unreasonable to feel like this though, so above all, don't go hard on yourself for not being happy, you want something that's very challenging to the human spirit, you're capable of being honest with that, some people live in denial.

Forgive me if that didn't make any sense at all... I'm talking about different women I've met over a long period of time. At this point, I can't even speculate about the remote possibility of any of these women liking me... which means there are no women out there for me at all... Game over, end of f*****g story... there's nothing left at all...

Sorry, I really get into it sometimes, just didn't want you to lose the optimism, I keep forgetting that it's okay to let go of that too sometimes.

This is where I was when I was twenty-one. I didn't have a boyfriend until I met my current partner (a fellow aspie) when I was nearly twenty-six -- it's been nearly four years, and we're still together.

What I would recommend is looking for women on the spectrum, and/or for women who are slightly older than yourself -- mid to late twenties at least. Many neurotypicals (males and females) in their teens and early twenties are too superficial to understand aspies -- they are too concerned with clothing, cars, and the latest pop music sensations. Obviously, not all young NTs are this way, but enough to draw a general stereotype.

Slightly older women are often more mature and more able to maintain a relationship with aspies, especially aspies (as is the case with many of us) who have less relationship experience than our NT peers. For instance, my aspie boyfriend met his first girlfriend when he was eighteen and she was twenty-seven, and she is still one of his close friends.

Most of all, I would counsel you to not give up looking for a girlfriend. If you don't give up, you will find one, I guarantee you. Early twenties is a difficult age for even NTs to find partners. Be kind to yourself, be patient, be persistent, and you will find a girlfriend.

~ Caterina

Toad, you need to give yourself more time!

I was 22 when I first asked a girl out and went on a date. It didn't end up working, but my confidence improved and I was able to date a few more girls (in rather quick succession, but that's just how it happened) until I ended up with someone I truly love, who I am currently with now.

Just try to be patient, but don't be afraid to initiate things when you're interested in someone. I found that NOTHING would happen until I actually took that first step. I know that it feels like you'll never find anyone now. I've felt that MANY times. However, if you don't give up, you just might find the girl you've been looking for, and she'll fall crazy in love with you!

I know everyone says "keep at it, it'll just happen," but there may be some truth to it. With as many women out there as there are, a good number of them are bound to have the same interests as you. I was initially drawn to my current girlfriend (months before we actually got together) because she is majoring in Electrical Engineering, just like me. That's not common for a female! I even found later on that she has some of the same little quirks as I do. Also, while AS is certainly not without its problems, Aspies have many positive qualities for a relationship. Being straightforward and honest are just a couple. My girlfriend didn't know I had AS when we started dating, but I have since explained to her why I am how I am, and why I do certain things. She says she still wouldn't want to change me for anything.

Keep looking. There's really no set cutoff age for dating, even if it feels like it. For all you know there could be a woman looking for you who simply doesn't know it yet!

When I was in University I saw the girl I had a major crush on get a kiss on the cheek by some guy I don't know. I felt really upset. But come to think of it, what did I expect? I never spoke to her a word... she probably didn't know I existed. I loved her from afar...

The reason I was upset? I thought that she was the one. She would be the one who is compatible with me. I don't know why exactly I promoted her to this position, but she was the only one I did this to. So in a nutshell, no other girls (available or not, a perfect match or not) could be a potential gf.

I placed my unrealistic hopes on her, and it ended in sorrow. I don't really know if this is the same with you. If it is, I understand why it's so hard to see every girl as a possible companion. I got over her (this girl), and in time maybe you will get over your one.

All I can tell you is, I know how it feels. I hope there is someone compatible for both of us.

Where?

I'm aging out of all the activities that I've been involved with since at least middle school, where I know a great deal of people and can generally be comfortable around them. I can't just "take up something new", since that involves a whole bunch of strangers that would almost certainly make me freak out (the only way to get around that is if you throw money at me to go somewhere, as in employment, but then again most employers have anti-fraternization policies, so even that opportunity would be withheld from me...


Most of the women I've fallen for do have very similar interests in me. One was a singer, another one that was also into musical theater, and yet another who was just an all-around nerd and was going to med school. So I tend to associate with the smart crowd, but even there women tend to not see me as a partner...


Well that's good that you found someone, but I keep seeing other people getting girlfriends, and others getting married... I just want to withdraw from life forever instead of standing on the sidelines watching everyone else having a good time... I want my own chance to play, or to just get off the field...


Maybe not for dating in general, but how the hell am I supposed to be 42 years old and tell a woman of similar age that I've never even dated? The problem isn't just that women don't even like me, it's that they won't give me a chance...


Oh, I never get attracted to women I don't know... my subconscious just won't allow it. For all of the women I've fallen in love with, I knew each of them for at least a month before I did so...


Also, for everyone responding: It isn't so much that I don't have a girlfriend (that has remained unchanged for 7 years since I started searching), but the fact that now I can't even fantacize about the remote possibility that there's a woman somewhere that actually likes me... I'm even denied the comfort of my own imagination...

Where?

I'm aging out of all the activities that I've been involved with since at least middle school, where I know a great deal of people and can generally be comfortable around them. I can't just "take up something new", since that involves a whole bunch of strangers that would almost certainly make me freak out (the only way to get around that is if you throw money at me to go somewhere, as in employment, but then again most employers have anti-fraternization policies, so even that opportunity would be withheld from me...


Most of the women I've fallen for do have very similar interests in me. One was a singer, another one that was also into musical theater, and yet another who was just an all-around nerd and was going to med school. So I tend to associate with the smart crowd, but even there women tend to not see me as a partner...


Well that's good that you found someone, but I keep seeing other people getting girlfriends, and others getting married... I just want to withdraw from life forever instead of standing on the sidelines watching everyone else having a good time... I want my own chance to play, or to just get off the field...


Maybe not for dating in general, but how the hell am I supposed to be 42 years old and tell a woman of similar age that I've never even dated? The problem isn't just that women don't even like me, it's that they won't give me a chance...


Oh, I never get attracted to women I don't know... my subconscious just won't allow it. For all of the women I've fallen in love with, I knew each of them for at least a month before I did so...


Also, for everyone responding: It isn't so much that I don't have a girlfriend (that has remained unchanged for 7 years since I started searching), but the fact that now I can't even fantacize about the remote possibility that there's a woman somewhere that actually likes me... I'm even denied the comfort of my own imagination...

Man, we're exactly the same.

I can give you my advice and experiences on these matters, but only if you really want advice, if you just want to rant I'll leave this post alone, I've been on both sides of the relationship fence and I have insight to share. Just realize that you are sending a strong signal here and I like to help people.

your 21 and you will never meet another woman in your life?

i know how you feel tho.
my suggestion is: stop chasing

ive noticed that the less you want a woman w a slightest interest in you, the more she wants you. then when you decide you want her back, she bails

So true, you'll notice that the guy who keeps the girl around is the guy who just gives up on her and finds something better. There isn't a girl I know who wants to think there's something better than her (guys are the same way).

A strong signal of what?


Well now I've grown too old for all the youth activities that I was a part of, and all the adult activities, while I'm technically old enough to be a part of, are comprised of people that are 40+ (and most often 60+), married with kids and sometimes grandkids... no twentysomethings to be found, and no possible indication of where they may actually be... So yeah, unless a twentysomething single woman stumbles into my church (unlikely since the church is located in a fairly affluent area), it's unlikely that I will get any more chances in life...

A strong signal of wanting advice (or at least needing it). Countered by a strong "we don't know eachother" signal. You might not feel like I can identify with the feelings you're expressing, but every time I get rejected (especially since I aim for what I truly want) I feel the same way, like there will be no other woman to take her place and I do the same thing you're doing, I'll go to the same place and hope to meet someone new (and you're realizing that it doesn't work that way). I want to tell you that you can change it, you can go to a different social area (I'll specify this if you want me to) and start from scratch. This is the inventor concept, Thomas Edison had a brilliant plan to make a lightbulb but failed miserably every time (until he succeeded that is), you are simply reinventing your approach every time you pick a new area. You might notice that when you show up somewhere new, your first thought is about how to connect with the women there to regain what you lost. I'm sounding presumptive here because I'm trying to guide your logic to something more helpful. When I show up to a new group, I show up because I'm interested in the nature of the group (my juggling example), I might sound insincere but if I show up and try my best to learn how to juggle, everyone senses my sincerity and the new women see a guy who isn't scoping them out (a plus). From there I can't tell you where to take it, you have to use some of your own logic past that point and you've already learned some tricks that I haven't learned.

I'm telling you this because I had to learn to fake my motivation at different times in my life, what this led to was real motivation (even if for the wrong reasons) and it happened slowly and sarcastically (with some cynicism). I feel that if you do this, you won't be in the situation you're in now and as a guy I only point out to help the problem (even if you don't like the help). And why am I in such a helping mood? I'm on zoloft. I'll probably enjoy your posts no matter what.

I don't know if I can do that... I had to work very hard to get the support system I have in my church now... to just turn my back on it would make my problems even worse... besides, I already talked about how there is practically no college-age activities to do in the area...


Good thing you're eager, because I'm not one to be easily helped...