need to vent

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well i wasnt sure where to post this....but i needed to vent i really been so unsure and scared lately.....my mind is full of thoughts and constantly brain storming but i never seem to be able to get the dreams out of head in action or on paper.....

am i alone here i have apergers i also take antidepressants but i was dumb and went off them for awhile ......now im having the set backs.....but this scenario plays out often

i got thru weeks where im tired and have no energy to do anything with my thoughts.....then ill go thru spurts of high energy and prodcutivity


i was only diagnosed this past summre......i lived thru what seemed like hell in this world before i even got recognized for this illness......or disorder.....i hate that its hard for me to communicate i dont even know if what im sayin is makin sense or what im tryin to relay

i think more than anything idea of success scares me to the point i sabotage it

i can spend hours wasting my days away playing games on line and avoiding life i get so sucked into this internet world

i have had success online too.....support groups and site that i created myself

well i guess im just rambling now

i just needed to vent

Naw, you're not alone. I feel this way sometimes, too. Probably not the exact same, since I was only on anti-depressants in intermediate school because no one had heard of Aspergers until I got to college. But I do tend to be frightened of actually succeeding at what I want to do, and I have a tendency to sabotage myself, either by taking too many classes or by not putting forth my best effort. I think it is because failing feels safe. I know what to expect if I keep my expectations low. It's terrible, if you think about it.

But I am getting a lot better. I have actually made goals and kept them now, and you know what? Success feels pretty dang good!

But you're not alone.

No, not alone.

WHEN
When you're on the highest dosage
And it isn't half enough,
When your nights are torn and twisted with the pain.
When the sleep you get is really rather futile
For it only brings the nightmares once again.
When you need someone to talk to
But your friends have had their fill.
When the doctor knows the problem, but cannot cure the ill.
When your faith lies dead and broken
And all others seem as frail,
When a day of aching struggle
Wins another just the same,
When crying does no good and you're just too tired to scream.
When hope is never present and pleasure rarely seen.
When the happiness of others gives the painful contrast one more time.
When the hollowness inside is sounding like a drum
When love and laughter have finally fled
Then, just then,
You'll be close to the place where I dwell
It's a place you might call hell.


My own work, with apologies to Rudyard Kipling.
CB 2001

And I wouldn't say I'm better, but I continue to fight.

The biggest problem I still have is low self-esteem. I went through half my life being told things like "You have a problem with your brain" and "you need to apply yourself." It really used to p*** me off. It's only in the last few years of my life--I'm 42 now--that I've begun to feel that I am enough and that I have the right to happiness and success, and that all those people who told me negative stuff were full of it.

Here's what I do when I have negative feelings
--express them in art (drawing, poetry)
--do something I love doing
--tell them to "Shut the f*** up"
--accept my feelings without letting them overwhelm me
--remember a really good day/time I had
--remember a time when I stood up for myself
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"There has been joy before. There will be joy again."--last lines in The Demolished Man by Alfred Bester