Being Good at Communicating and Losing the Will to Do it.

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When I was lonely, I used to find some consolation in sharing my feelings through writing---either online here, or journaling. I got severely depressed last year. I couldn't write anymore. I couldn't feel.

Now, I am better though drifting...Not severely depressed just apathetic. Writing offers little consolation most days. Words seem so pointless. The past couple days I've gotten my creativity back, I feel like writing. But the times I don't, I want to be able to express my frustration with this---but I can't, of course.

Sometimes I write online because I'm lonely but it barely brings satisfaction to do so because although I'm articulate, it doesn't matter. I just want to speak with a person face to face. I want a minute by minute dialogue, not a typed monologue.

WP is great...but to whoever is reading this, I'd rather talk to you face to face. I'm not asking for someone to come visit me from WP, I guess I just wish it was a club people went to rather than a website.

Other times, even talking with people doesn't help because although I have encouraging family members, I still get blank stares when I try to express some of the most fundamental desires or struggles of my heart. When I used to be down on myself all the time, it was consoling to hear encouraging words. Now, I've learned to be optimistic and have good self esteem even while weak. So hearing someone tell me it's OK is either no revelation or it's no answer to how I feel.

I guess I'm writing this because there's a spark that wants to communicate this idea with someone. I don't want to discuss it at length, I just want to say it.

I guess when you can't express the longings you feel alone in, you don't want to tell anyone b/c you know your alone. Even on the chance someone gets it, it's not worth the risk. What you want most in those times is just to hear someone else say the same thing, the thing you thought was only you.

So I guess I'm writing this to see if anybody else is feeling that way right now, and tell you that you are not alone. Or if you have felt it in the past, it helps me to know others have felt it and gotten past it.

I know I will, yes. I'm in the process right now. But knowing is different than feeling. It's hard to feel a belief in something of which you have can't remember what the feeling actually felt like.

I lost a particular emotion once, and quickly switched meds because I did not want to lose it. It was strange to not even be able to remember what the emotion was like.

I have been taking medication for depression for 14 yrs, I had been depressed many years before that, I would have never taken antidepressants if my Dr. didn't tell me it was to help my migraines, I was willing to try anything. It didn't help my migraines but I noticed a big difference in the depression and OCD. I'm glad he tried it for my headaches because I've had all of these happy years. Sometimes I still get that very cold, lonely feeling for no apparent reason. It's purely chemical and I know that now, but it doesn't change the fact that when it happens, you feel so bad until it passes. I hate it that you are going through this, Hopefully it will pass soon.

Yes, I have felt that way, many times. Especially the part where you felt that words were just pointless. And, that longing to communicate with like minded people in person, instead of in an online forum. It doesn't happen very frequently, but when it does, I am severely depressed. So now, I strive to prevent it getting that bad, by keeping interested in my many interests, and hanging out or talking on the phone with my one friend. I have also joined an Aspie support group, and hope that will help, too.

Yes I feel expressing myself about this is futile and attempts to do so have been met with blank stares or changes of subject. Heck, I can get that talking about anything, why go there with that conversation? Never had a face to face conversation about it with someone with AS either.