getting closer

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it's getting closer for steve to go to richmond. the liason called a couple of times this morning to get some information clarified and she said about a week.

in some ways i wish they'd go ahead and take him now. not that he's been doing bad here, because overall he's been doing pretty good--better than i've seen him in years. but i can't stand the waiting.

and i am so depressed. there's so much going on around me and i feel so overwhelmed. two teens (need i say more on that one), a nine year old, a NINETY year old. i love mammy so much. the last few days she's been singing. i've never heard her sing before. but it's tough too because then she'll go into her paranoia stages and we're all poisoning her and out to get her. i know she can't help it, but it can be stressful.

then there's the financial aspect. on the one hand, we do have mammy's money if push comes to shove, but i want to avoid that as much as possible because it is for her. but i hate feeling like this. some of it's aspie stuff--numbers/money are almost obsessive with me, and knowing how much was wasted this month on steve really upsets me. then i have to pay for my new computer. even though i know if the bill comes before the first of the month and i can borrow it from mammy and pay her back when the first gets here, it is still very difficult for me. and it will take us several months to recover from this--we just don't have a lot of money to play with and his arrests and stuff basically came to his whole check which is half of our monthly income.

then later this month the two teens are going to be gone for the weekend. assuming that steve is at richmond, that means that it's me, isaiah, and mammy. physically that will be tough because normally they help lift her and take her to the bathroom. she doesn't weigh much and i am capable of lifting her, but it's work for me. and then just knowing that for a whole weekend it'll basically just be me. and i don't really any friends that could come and stay with me.

i don't know. i'm just feeling overwhelmed by everything. i just want to see him go and get this over with. but even that's hard because i have no idea how long he will be gone--30 days, 60 days, 90 days, six months, a year. who knows. it all depends. and that's scary.

i don't want him to come back before he's ready because that only means more chaos, but i have always needed to know what to expect. being able to see the end of something is super important for me. it's the only way i made it through college--being able to check off each class on the syllabus and knowing how many more were left.

and then there's even the whole idea that even when he comes back, we may not have a marriage any more.

all these uncertainties overwhelm me.

and then there's things that need to be done now that i just can't seem to get to. i have to work on mammy's ears (all the years of neglect with another family member, her ears were so impacted she couldn't hear hardly anything. we've been working on them with ear wax softener and she's been to the doc to have them irrigated twice and they're still not clean. we go once more and then if they can't clean them, they will send her to the ear specialist to try to remove them). i have been so overwhelmed this past week i haven't put the softener in. i need to and i hate it that i haven't. she doesn't have an appointment yet, so i decided i would wait an extra week on the appointment so that i can get back on track, but i'm worried i still won't be able to do it. then once we get her ears cleaned out good and see if she needs hearing aids, we have to work on her eyes. she had never been to an eye doctor before we took her and she's 90. she's got cataracts so bad she's basically blind. so if she agrees, once we get the ears finished, she'll be having catarcat surgery. there's just a lot of responsibility, but i don't want to send her back. i love her, plus i know she won't ever get these things taken care of if she goes back and i want to make her quality of life better.

then there's the mentally handicapped couple that basically fell into my lap and i've basically have had to be cartaker for since june because of all the waiting lists (they were homeless when the came to us--we've got them in an apartment and things settled, but they need a caseworker). they were taken advantage of before they came to us regarding a truck which then got repossessed and they have to go to court over it. i've had to get a continuance because tommy thought he was having surgery. i don't think he did--i think he misunderstood and was having a doc appointmet to discuss surgery, but i can't do that kind of stuff--just too much. so now i have these papers that have to be filled out and it's sooooo difficult for me. i'll have to call them because i don't have the papers i need to get the info, then it'll be difficult because they have such a hard time understanding directions and then finding the information i need.

i just feel overwhelmed. and i'm so depressed. i need a break but all i can see is how i've got all this s*** piled up on me and i can't wade through it.
april

((((April))))
You sound like an amazing woman and your mother-in-law is SO lucky to be able to live at home with her family taking care of her.

You pray, so I'd say keep praying and everything will work out as it should.

I too like to know what's going to happen - the unknown is scary. But does it give you hope or peace to let go and let God?

thanks aylissa,

i think all this unknown is really getting to me. in some ways i am so ready for him to leave. i worry about the expectations he has. that's some of what we've been talking about because i do feel like he's expecting too much, and i'm worried about when he comes home from richmond.

and i don't even know what i want--have we grown so far apart there's no coming back together?

i know the first thing is for him to get sober--really sober. not just off the drugs/alcohol, but really sober in the mind. but i have changed so much. i just don't know what i want or if it will work.

but i guess i just need to let that be. he's going to richmond soon and i need to concentrate on me. at least with him in richmond, some of the chaos will be gone, and maybe even some of this pressure regarding our marriage will lift, because it won't always be right up in my face like it feels like right now.

i'm just really struggling. had a huge blow out with my teenage son earlier today. he can be so mature, but he definitely wants too much freedom and is trying to manipulate me.

i just need a break so bad, but there's no where to go. maybe i need to lock myself in my bedroom for the weekend. make steve take care of the kids and mammy, while i take a mini vacation in my bedroom.

april

i am so ready for steve to leave.

i decided to go ahead and give myself a break even if it was just in my bedroom. i talked to steve about it and i said i didn't want to have any responsibilities for the weekend because this would probably be the only break i would get. i wanted him to deal with the kids and mammy and leave me alone because i have felt like i've been under so much pressure, especially in regards to him.

the time i got was good, except for that fact that when steve wants something, he seems to forget that i'm supposed to be on vacation doing what i want and not having to deal with anything. he wants to go to town so he keeps asking me. no, i don't want to go. just about have to get into an argument with him.

then he talks about my being on the computer. thought you were supposed to be resting. i am, i'm doing what i want and i want to be on the computer. it's boring. not to me. i could tell he was wanting me to watch tv with him but i didn't want to.

then later the s*** really hits the fan. he kept wanting me to lay down by him. i didn't want to. i wanted to be left alone. kept saying no i didn't want to. that's not good enough. before i know it we're into an argument. why can't i just give him a couple of minutes. because i'm supposed to be getting a break from all the pressure. how is talking with me for a couple of minutes pressure. because it is--i don't want to lay and watch tv and talk to you.

i finally go in my closet just to get away from him. then my friend calls and even though i call from the closet that i want to talk to her, he tells her i'm in the closet. that pissed me off. but of course it just fuels the fire for him. i'll talk to my friend but not him. yeah, i wanted to talk to my friend and i didn't want to talk to him.

then more of the same old bull s***. i'm trying to control him. it's not asking too much to have a few minutes with me when i'll give it to a friend. am i interested in somebody else. and on and on and on.

i keep standing my ground. my friend calls back and knows something's wrong but i have no privacy to talk in my closet because he's right in the bedroom calling out--are you talking about me.

so we get off the phone and i tell him i want him out of the bedroom. he starts going on that he doesn't have to be, but i won't give in. it is a priviledge for him to be in the bedroom. then of course he's all pissed and saying that i just like telling him what to do, etc.

so he leaves and i'm on the computer. then my friend calls back. my bedroom door is shut, but i go to the closet for more privacy. sure enough, here comes steve. one reason after another to pop in, then it's just getting into an argument with her on the phone. i still wouldn't give in to him.

then to really get at me, he said that when his brother and niece come up monday to visit mammy, he's going to mention letting her go back. it was all just to get at me!! !! but it pissed me off!! !! mammy had to have a leg amputated out of sheer neglect because they let a small spot of skin cancer go and go and go until she had no skin on the lower portion of her leg from the top of her foot to just below the knee!! !! her ears still need cleaned out, then possible hearing aids, then cataract surgery, then possible glasses. then he's like, well she's my mom. screw that!! !! ! he's not thinking about her at all. all he's thinking about is how to hurt me.

i made him leave after that and shut the door and went back into the closet and talked to my friend.

yeah, so much for two days with no pressure. i want him gone. i can't wait until he goes and i don't have to deal with his bull s*** any more. and he'd better come back a h*** of a lot different or we will definitely be getting a divorce. i just can't take this s*** any more.

april

yesterday ended up being a bust too--i was sick all day long.

oh well.

april

April, I have read some excerpts from your book and it is absolutely awesome! Is it out in bookstores because ever since I've seen the cover (your avatar) I thought that it looked very familiar.

thanks bland,
i would love to hear it's out in the bookstores, but i kind of doubt it. i'm self-published (POD) and it's hard to get into bookstores. you can order it through a bookstore, but normally they don't stock them.

this book is very special to me because it really opened up AS to me. my therapist asked me to describe what it was like in my mind, and i couldn't answer other than the same thing--living in a world in my head that feels real but somehow isn't while being forced to live in a world that is real but doesn't feel it. but other than that, i just couldn't really describe it to her.

then this idea hit me, and that's when i started writing gift of the morning. even though most people would never see that the book in essence is about me, it is. it's about that struggle to live in to opposing worlds. without writing that book, i don't think i would have been diagnosised.

april
ps if you ever do see it in a bookstore, take a picture for me!! !! ! (it would be a HUGE accomplishment)