Gotta be more to life than this...~Just need to type~

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Haven't been on WP for a while now but I've been in this strange foggy surreal mood recently and I just wanna type, I don't really mind if no one reads this since it'll end up as a big, dizzying block of muddled emotion--in a somewhat poetic form--taking up space on the computer screen that'll probably in turn end up offending someone (gomenasai ) but meh here I go~

I have a lot of things going for me this week:
GenCon (anime/cosplay/gaming convention for crazy otakus! Vic Mignona is going to be there, he's my voice acting IDOL! <3)
PONYO (The newest Hayao Miyazaki film CAN'T WAIT! <3)
Driving Test (I might be getting my driver's license next week...I'm really nervous but happy <3)
Job Applications (IF I get my license I'm gonna go job hunting to help earn my keep at home ^.^)

I'm sure more fun things will pop up after I get all that done, but I've been thinking--a lot--lately about my future and my purpose and I'm bothered by it, like...after one does all
the "correct"and "acceptable" things as a contributor to society...what else is there? And this is just my weird thought process so I may make absolutely no sense but I'm having this nagging "There's gotta be more to life than this" kind of feeling. I don't know how to explain it *ugh* but it's like...the [American Dream], the perfect image is:

-Mother,Father,siblings (perfect, happy, in tact, and you'll never know what domestic violence, disability, disfunction, and divorce are like...GO YOU)
-Preschool (what can I say...life is great 'cause you're a freakin' baby, babeh!)
-Elementary School (you're popular and bullying just doesn't exist)
-Junior High (you're popular and bullying just doesn't exist)
-High School (you're popular and perfect, have the perfect sweetie, and bullying just doesn't exist)
-College (I wouldn't know because I dropped out of HS but GASP that's unacceptable so...'you're popular and perfect, engaged to some beefcake jock/hot cheerleader, and bullying never has and never will happen to your perfectly molded yuppie little mind' XD)
-You're an adult now (with a great job, financially stable, you married your HS sweetheart, and you have two perfect children whom are YOU GUESSED IT popular and bullying just doesn't exist for them)
-You're old (you're still with that HS sweetheart person and your grandkids lahv you blah blah blah)
-You're dead (THE END!)

Maybe I'm messed up (pshaw I KNOW I'm messed up) but none of that seems appealing to me, yet everytime I ask someone what their ideal life/future would be they usually say, "I want to go to college, get a good--well paying--job, get married, and have a family..."

I know not everyone wants that type of life but I just wonder why it doesn't appeal to me particulary and I wonder if I would be happier if it did. When I think of my ideal lifestyle it's really strange and in reality waaaay out of reach but my REALISTIC ideal lifestyle would be like, I'm:

-Fine with working as a cashier somewhere for the rest of my existence
-Fine with minimum wage because I don't care for material items much so as long as I have enough money to survive on my own then w00t
-Fine with living alone forever because the domestic violence in my family has given me what some may call a "sad" and "fearful" outlook on love and relationships
-Fine with never having children because I'm strange and would probably be either a bad and hated mother or an overprotective and hated mother for wanting to keep my babies away from all the harshness and cruelty in the world all the while depriving them from all the beauty and wonder the world has to offer (I have yet to find it myself >.>')

Seems a bit drab maybe but a life like that really wouldn't bother me much...but then there's the unrealistic, hopeless romatic dreamer side of me that craves so much more out of life but that side just can't seem to find it and maybe that side never will. I think I use Japan as an escape big time, though. I pretty much spend my life living through anime/manga characters wishing I could live in Japan and be happy because the culture is so fascinating to me and the people seem so kind. But shoujo fantasies are just that-fantasies...so I guess I'll go on surviving instead of living...wondering why the hell I'm still on this planet...wishing I could think and act "normally"...hoping for something to change my life forever~ *sigh*

/end mindless typing


edit: eh, I seem to have already posted a rant somewhat similar to this...I suppose my mindset hasn't changed much since my last posts...sorry if this is a bore...XD

There is no option: "No, and I'm screwed permenantly I have Aspergers "

I hear you. I wish I had all the answers.

First, the nag: Go back to school as soon as you can stand it. If it takes you five years going at night, you're still going to be five years older, whether you went to school or not. I had to drop out of regular high school (the smartest thing I ever did) but the alternatives are better, especially after a break. For one thing, the attitudes of the teachers are different when the students are voluntary. I also managed to finish college, but it was cheaper back then. You might need to take the scenic route (one or two night classes at a time) just to pay for it.

Other than that, there are a few things that make life good.
The trouble is that no one can tell you what they are.
You're an individual. There's nobody in there but you.
The world's foremost authority on SakuraKino.
That's a little scary, but at the same time, it can be liberating.

ahhh you're right o: I permanently screwed the poll by not having a poll about being permanently screwed...go figure >.<'

Wow, can I be dense.
I didn't understand Mosto's comment until I saw SakuraKin's reply.
I thought it meant that giving up was not an option.

I have also been very sad about my life lately. I know how it is and we both need to hang in there! Asperger's is a DIFFERENT way to live, but it is not an INFERIOR way, despite what others may think. Our own perspective is everything and we have control over that.

I sort of understand what you mean... I have a boyfriend and am happy in this relationship, but for the rest, I'm not like this "normal" life sort of thing at all. I dropped otu of college, don't have a job (never had one, am on disability), in an institution, and don't want children...and when I still had the "normal" life (ie. did well in high school according to my parents) I was stressed otu completely but just said to be behaviorally disordered. While my current situation sucks (I want to get out of the institution!), it is not like most ofmy life goals are hte "normal" type. I can see how this sounds unmotivated, lazy, thinking the world owes me a living because I have state benefits, etc., but if someone thinks so then they can tell me how I got to get that job that will ge tme off disability (one good reason to get a job in my case is that would mean I could move to Germany to live with my boyfriend someday, but that would also mean I could deal with no supports, which is even more impossible).

Well I really hav eno advice for you, but just want you to know I relate some.