crying by mistake......

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Last week I left a page (ok, paper that is 16" X 20") on a favorite professor's desk (in my upstair lab) - he wasn't in but I left him a brief email basically stating I left the Stoke's shift math for him. He's very busy and ok if he doesn't respond back. Then, at nearly the same time as I devised new Stoke's shift method, I had painted a picture (tempera paints)! I had a digital scan print made for him to leave on his desk too.

I went to leave this one his lab desk but his lab (& adjoining office) was locked. A bit unusual, but all right. Then, I went to his other office (adjacent building). Also locked and Dr. S doesn't seem to be around. I hardly see him lately.

I was unsure what to do with the painting print and I cannot put this in his box since it would get crushed (and doesn't fit either). His wife, whom I really like too (!), has her office nearby so I left painting print with her. She said she'd take it home for him.

But here's what happened.....she said "he's ill..." For whatever reason I instantly cried and uncontrollably. She gave me a tissue and asked what was wrong. I couldn't really say, but just that when she said "he's ill" I thought something was REALLY wrong (like he was dying). Just moment of horror.

Not to reveal details, but my father died long time ago (when I turned 12) and I've had others die. So when she said "he's ill" plus coupled with I haven't seen nor heard from him, I just broke. Later, ensuing meltdown. I keep seeing images of him sick, even dead. This is more than I can take. His wife is always good to me, knowing Dr. S is a favorite professor of mine. Didn't want her to see me cry. She'll likely tell him too. I'd do anything in the whole world to please him (and her too, she's very kind/nice) but unsure if what I submitted is even of consequence to him. Hurts.

She said she'll take the painting print home for him. Did I just mess-up? Lab Pet has almost NO emotional control, quite like a child. My tears were instant. I couldn't understand "he's ill." She then reassured, saying "No, he's not THAT sick - just like a cold or something - nothing serious." But the damage is done; cannot know what "he's ill" really means.

Should I apologize? I don't want to be regarded (but already am...) as 'fragile.' The Autistic Chemist with the emotions of a baby. Just humiliating. This is one instance where I wish I had that nice Neurotypical smooth control...but I don't.

Still crying RIGHT NOW. And it won't stop!! !

Lab Pet is melty....hurt/sick Lab Pet

I'm sorry you're feeling sad, Lab Pet. If it helps to know, I break down and cry for almost no reason, too. I even cried when I read your post, so here we are, all weepy together.

I've always cried when I'm very angry, too. I don't know what causes it or how to stop it. My therapist says it's fairly normal for women to cry when they're angry, but I'd like to have more -- or any -- control over it. I feel like I won't be taken seriously until I do.

No mistake; an honest response, LabPet, and no cause for shame or question. Fear and memory are strong motivators and deep in our circuitry... keep breathing, dear Chemist, and be well.


M.

I'm sorry that you're so sad. Please don't be ashamed. Sometimes our society gives us role models that are all muscles and no tears, but they are mistaken. A real human being is made of tears, too.

Mr. & Mrs. Prof sound really nice. Could you ask Mrs Prof to let you talk to Mr Prof on the phone, just briefly? As an excuse you could say you'd like to ask if he'll get back to you about your papers. That's a bit of a ruse and won't fool anybody, but those kind people might gladly take the opportunity to put you in touch with your Prof. Keep it brief, tho.

There's something else that comes to mind. I cry too. My mom passed about three years ago, and sometimes it's just time to cry again. Maybe it goes in cycles, I'm not sure. It gets triggered by something, and whatever that is needs some attention as well, but not as much as losing Mom. I hope it might help you, maybe your experiences are somewhat like mine?

Feel better. Your reacted in a particular way based on your past experiences with people being ill. Autistic literalness and all being a factor.

I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you.

I'm legally an adult and still have the emotions of a pre-teen.

from now on "ill" means "having a flu" ;]

Don't worry about it. If you really want to put things at ease and apologise it should be exceptionally easy to do so, just tell her than anytime someone says that "someone's ill", it reminds you of your father. It'd seem pretty normal, at least from my perspective.

Thank you.....Lab Pet feels better. Maybe what I wrote & the painting will make him feel better. That he's "ill" = fear, but at least he just has a cold. That's easily recoverable!

Also, he was gone today but I left a packet of tea on his desk with a 'please feel better soon' note. I do this for my advisor sometimes when he's extra-busy or not feeling well.