Another "I'm a basket case" post....

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I just feel the need to talk to someone about this and I don't want to post anywhere where people who know me will see. This is as close as I come. I know WP is not my LJ but I need to talk about this. Please, god, let me stop having times where I need to post stuff like this.

So, I flipped out today over, of course, something that was really nothing, and I called my dad. I just started crying. I have the amazing superpower-like ability to starve myself and as a result gain three pounds (which is not daily flux as it has not gone away). I've been so f*****g tired for over a week that I've been on the constant verge of tears; last night being the first time I got over eight hours of sleep in this amount of time. And I f****n' need my eight hours!

Art class is f*****g s****y too. I can't draw for s**t. I can't just get an A in this class from my brain and effort. I need talent I don't have.

Well, anyway, I wound up just screaming at him, from sheer exhaustion and frustration: "I WILL NEVER BE THIN. I WILL NEVER BE PRETTY. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DRAW. I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH."

That's how it feels. I felt so much better about myself when I weighed less. I really did. I want to lose over ten pounds at this point. The number grows as <b><u>I</u></b> grow. I f*****g hate myself for that. And don't give me the "you look fine" s**t. When I look in the mirror I see <i>fat.</i>

Funny thing, though? I talked to my dad saying that I might take a Klonopin (only today though and not tomorrow as I took one yesterday, I don't want to get addicted and anyway yesterday it did jack s**t). Anyway, I calmed down after I screamed about how much I despise various aspects of myself, and I said, "I don't think I need to take a pill." His reply: "I thought you'd taken one."

Huh. Food for thought. Maybe I just need to talk stuff out and not take the Klonopin?

Alternatively: Oh, terrific. I have to completely break down to stop feeling like crap. I'd rather take drugs.

Edit: I. Do. Not. Want. Dieting. Adivse.

Last edited by Serissa on 28 Jan 2006, 4:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

<<hugs>>

honey, I totally understnad where you are comming from. Im finally loosing like a pound a week on a med my dr gave me, and my diet and excersize. I get so worked up sometimes over it taking so long though. I was very tiny when I was in the army, and I want to get back to that. its hard and I hope you know that you arent the only person that is and has gone through this. The worst part, when I am depressed I cant take the meds b/c they make me gain weight. (thats part of how I got here in the first place) so in addtion to feeling lousy about my weight, I get to be depressed too. And not eating will make you feel lousy. You arent getting the nutirents you need. I take vitamins and mineral supplments (including sulfer) that help me feel better most days.

I finally woke up one day and decided that I wasnt goin to let it ruin my life anymore. I dont know how long this "Im okay with my weight" thing is going to last, but it keeps me from being so stressed about that that I eat. I wish you that peace that you are looking for! And <<hugs>> you arent alone!! !

That reminds me of what a person I know said when his doctor gave him antidepressants after a long term relationship broke off - well, these antidepressants are known to have a certian side effect that can dampen future relationships for men - and he thought it was funny that his doctor gave him a medication after a relationship break up that then reduced his chances of ever getting into another relationship . . . eventually he decided he would just be depressed . . .

I'm the same way about my weight - everyone says I'm skinny and today while I was waiting for a script at the drug store I was looking at the diet aids . . . and I eat really well - I think my problem is that my metabolism is going downhill due to age and also that I spend 8 hours a day right on my butt and also that I have started working out A LOT more than ever before and I think my BMI is very low - but muscle weighs more than fat - so it appears that I've gained 7 lbs . . .
But I am bound and determined to take that off . . . I've even considered lipsuction - good thing I don't make much money!

Serissa,

I actually was gonna give you the "you look beautiful" bulls*** you spoke of. In your PM, you said you were ok! Don't blame me for trying, please.

Art is a s*** subject, full of those girls who, give them a pen, pencil and 5 sec, and you'll get a black and white Mona Lisa. Talent is a gift, and you'll beat everyone, including that b****** hands down in other areas. Don't kill me for this, but you already do in our eyes. You can live life to the full not being able to draw even a simple stick-figure.

Hate to say this, but you're sounding serious. Don't you dare start starving yourself-its the same, if not worse than cutting. We don't want you hurt.

Serissa, we love you, and hate seeing you hurt. That's all I can say, ok?


Soma.

Dunno if you know about Weight Watchers, but I'm on their points system. I'm eating about 18-20 points a day; a point is equivalent to about 50-75 calories depending on fat and fiber. The thing is, though, 18 is like the bare minimum you can eat. Eating 18 points in a day should NOT make me gain three pounds. ((I was exaggerating a bit because I feel so depreved sometimes.))

I think you should have more motivation. That's what I think.

I know about Weight Watchers. Are you sure you ate at least 18 points, Serissa?

If you eat too little, your body 'thinks' you are starving and drastically lowers your metabolism to hold onto every calorie it can. Make sure you eat all the calories you are supposed to and maybe go outdoors and take a walk, if your weather will allow you to do that. I think you need some sunlight.

It is very common for people who are on a sensible diet like Weight Watchers to experience a plateau in their weight loss. That is what is happening to you now. If you keep eating your 18 - 20 points a day and exercising, you will lose weight again.

I totally sympathize with the art class. I will never be able to draw either.

How on earth would that ever be taken as helpful when said to someone in my situation?



I know about plateaus. I probably AM in one.

I am trying to help you.

I do know about Weight Watchers. The weight gain maybe due to a number of things. Constipation, water retention, and PMS/periods can cause you to "gain" that much easily. If you're not having regular bowel movements start taking a fiber supplement (sugar free so it doesn't cost you points) and be sure to drink 60 ounces of water (and other drinks cannot substitute) daily. If it's your period or water rentention, drink some cranberry tea or tea blends for water retention, urinary health or menstrual health.

Stress cause the adrenals to produce excess cortisol, a hormone that regulates your metabolism and in stressful times, it makes the body to retain fat, especially around the waist, hips and thighs. Also thyroid problems can cause weight gain,a dn if you're stressed, depressed and fatigued, that may be an indicators that it's a thyroid problem. Haivng your thyriod tested is fairly simply and can be done by a GP (however I assume you were recently tested before they put you on Prozac and Lithium, right? If they didn't test you, you should do that ASAP). Adrenal testing's a little complicated and you may have to see an endochrinologist for that. However, if it's simpyl a matter of your body being under a lot of stress, you can often combat hormonal-linked wieght gain by simply walking 30 minutes a day. It also helps with the stress. And please don't lash out at me as you have at others about this - if you think you're too busy, then you need to make the time. It's your health at stake, and 30 minutes really isn't that much time. If you can't do it all at one time, break it up into two 15 minutes walks.

Lastly, it could be your meds. Normally klonopin doesn't cause weight gain, but it can. So can Prozac. IIt could be one or a combination. If the weight gain contiues, talk to your doctor.

Jason, I wouldn't take it personally.

I am being honest with all of you.

I might add, since this has unfortunaltely become one of the most stressful types of discussions for me (one on how to lose weight- if I had known you guys would do this to me I never would have posted this, if you could please STOP that would be MUCH apprecaited, I just wanted to vent, dieting advise is always COMPLETELY unwelcome when given to me): I am going back down in wieght again.

But please.

No more deiting or exercise or lifestyle change advice. It's extremely upsetting. If I wanted THAT kind of responde I would not haven posted in the Haven but in health and fitness. Since it IS the haven it's completely within my rights to ask you to lay off the "friendly advise." I posted this in the haven because I can't handle that kind of advise. And don't get pissy that I don't want this adivce. This is the haven. If something is stressing me, I am allowed to ask you to stop with it and not be harassed ahbout it.

Thanks, though I am not on Prozac (if you hear me talk about Prozac, it's my cat's name) and I'm not on Lithium. I'm on Zyprexa, which does cause weight gain, and does do so in me, but it also keeps me from being COMPLETELY psycho. I am aware of the Zyprexa side effect, but I ain't going off it!! ! ((And yes, my blood sugar levels are fine, or were last I checked, so it's not doing anything dangerous to me))) And it's DEFINITELY not my period- I'd have to have a uterus for that. ((I was born missing one. Not ovaries, though, so I can still PMS.)) I do excercises every morning (which I will NOT go into detail about because everyone has a different idea of what I should do) and I go to college and walk around campus a great deal; I have no idea how far I walk every day but it's at least 30 minutes worth fo walking. I'm not too horribly sedentary.

I understand how what I said to larson would be considered "biting his head off" (though I do NOT retract it), but who else did I do that to on this thread?



Larson, the reason I was upset is I probably actually need less motivation, and most people who know me think that. I obsess daily about food, exercise, and weight. It PREYS on my mind. I have more motivation than is healthy.

Last edited by Serissa on 28 Jan 2006, 4:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My goodness!

I think that maybe I need to take a deep breath. I know this feeling is common among people with AS. We tend to act a little strange, I know. That is just because of who we are.

I appreciate you all for understanding me!

Does crying help? Because when i get into a bad mood(a lot of things i feel not so proud about and s**t i dont look forward to coalesing at once in my mind) crying to myself where no one can see me spontaneously seems to help. As long as no one sees it because god knows there is nothing they can do about it and you dont want to be putting pressure on them, just makes you feel guilty.

I dunno if you have this problem, but i do. I cannot vent about impossible(at least i percieve impossible) to fix things because people try to solve my problems for me. Or by my very venting i cause them discomfort and despair which gives me guilt.

And if that be the case, i will tell you the only thing anybody could tell me that would really explain that they understood my position which is the only thing i can really ask of them. I hear you. I understand.

Serissa, yes, I'm well aware of the Weight-Watchers program. Please, we're all trying to help! Don't push us aside! Serissa, we're only trying to help!