Why can't I "kill" what's left of my heart?

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Although I don't like people, I still have pure parts of my heart. I still retain some sweetness and kindness and I like naive stuff like kindness and love.

I just wish there was a way for me to kill the remaining goodness inside me so I can be hardened and cynical like everyone else. (Funny how this is reverse conformity)

Maybe I should just kill myself now.

you'd be better doing the opposite; finding something you like about other people. You can't cure bitterness by becoming more bitter.

there's enough heartless people in the world, don't add to their numbers!

It's one thing to not want to suffer... that's a wonderful gift if you can extend that to others.

Just as I suffer, others suffer. Just as I want to be happy, others want happiness.

And act upon that. The practice of compassion and kindness is actually the path out of suffering, because it can open us up.

Becoming a heartless cynic would just negate the kindness you have manifested in the world, and add to the overt suffering of us all, yourself included.

i used to feel similar to that before i was taking medicine! i just have to say, we autistic people shouldn't want to purge our hearts of nice, and i highly recommend from experience that you should ask your parents about taking medicine. i don't care if its not what you want, i know that being in adolescence can be tough, but don't give up! you should try to enhance the good in your heart instead of purging it! i take medication because it makes me feel better!

Medication, the one thing that always failed me. What I really need are some depressants, like pot.

pot is illegal to use unless it's the doctors orders! there is medicated antidepressants!

I would strongly suggest that you do not try using yourself as an experimental animal by trying out odd combinations of drugs.

If you are feeling low then ask yourself is there someone who you can go and talk to about the way that you feel ? It might be a much better idea to get the things which are upsetting you off your chest.

_________________
Health is a state of physical, mental and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity I am not a jigsaw, I am a free man !

Diagnosed under the DSM5 rules with autism spectrum disorder, under DSM4 psychologist said would have been AS (299.80) but I suspect that I am somewhere between 299.80 and 299.00 (Autism) under DSM4.

you know why you cant kill it, because you're weak.

Did you know that although I sound hardened and cynical on these forums, I devote a lot of my time to helping others?

I feel the opposite of the way you feel. I've been trying to 'kill' a voice in my head that shouts obscenities when I talk to little girls. Even when I'm alone, these voices shout "F*** you! Shut up!" at the people I care most about. Do you have any idea how frightening this is to me? What should I do about this?

I just... wish I could apologize to anyone who ends up the recipient of these voices, even though they never hear it.

I've often noticed you helping others on these forums, MikeH106.

It certainly must be frightening to hear those obscene voices- I can barely imagine how unpleasant it would be. Have you spoken to your doctor/psychologist about them? I know you don't like the idea of medication but the voices sound very intrusive and hard to live with. I don't know what you can do about them on your own- you need to get some help.

No one but you can hear the voices, and the words shouted by them don't reflect your own views, so you have no need to feel apologetic. Take care, Jenny.

Thank you, Jenny. I just wish I could purge these aggressive thoughts sometimes. Or maybe I'm just thinking about other people... I don't know.

My doctors and therapists were so rude to me that I don't want to go back. I read almost everything they wrote about me, and I was sick of being told I was delusional. Now I've written my own theory of psychotic behavior (Expected Reward and Psychosis). Theories aren't delusions, of course, but they might not know that.

Again, thanks for your consolation. I'm going to pray to fortune that I won't be led into doing anything stupid or impulsive.