A rant about work

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So today my boss pulls the department into his office and informs them that there is a company-wide song contest, every department has to write and perform one, and the winners (if they're lucky, poor bastards) just might get theirs on the movie DVD when it comes out. And by song, they mean silly humorous thing designed to get a bunch of people onstage making asses of themselves.

It's a catch-22 straight from hell. If I be what they want me to be, I'll have to attempt a public performance of humor, which even if you make anxiety and the feeling of selling my soul irrelevant, is not something I am capable of doing smoothly. Yet it's expected to come as easy as breathing; it's expected to be fun. But if I don't be what they want me to be, I lose my tenuous status as an equal among them.

And of course I can't give the slightest sign I'm ready to put my fist through the nearest computer monitor, when people start scoping each other out for ideas and looking my way. I can't betray the slightest sign of nervousness in my voice or body language, because among these driven competitive social people I would be instantly marked as insecure and going nowhere.

I know this because I risked going out to a bar with the department a couple weeks ago, in the name of networking; got asked by one of the other guys, "So, what's cool about you?"; completely blanked (that's what I get for letting down my guard) and eventually stammered out some meaningless response, and immediately got treated to a lecture on how I just needed to be more confident in myself, or I wouldn't get ahead. They weren't even supposed to see that side of my personality. Da**it, can't they tell I already know that? Can't they tell I'm already trying as hard as I bloody know how?

I can't even disappear and stay out of their song planning, because they made it clear that everyone has to participate and anyone who doesn't is a silly coward. If I disappeared, I'd be shrugged off as "no fun" and "not a team player" and that would be taken into account when they're deciding who to keep on after the production deadline in May. And invisible people can't get the networking contacts I'd need to get another job in the industry.

The last job I had, my extrovert boss pretty much ordered every employee to attend his Christmas party in a bar (the hours were arbitrary and got assigned based on how much he believed in your social skills). Then he made it clear that I was to demonstrate my ability to have fun by singing solo karaoke. That time, I got myself up there and did it. But da**it, how often is this kind of thing going to happen before I've proven my charisma a necessary amount and people get off my back?

So I sit in my current boss's office and reflect their laughter back at them as they start passing suggestions back and forth. And then the meeting ends and I go hide in the bathroom and blank myself out so I can concentrate on work for the rest of the day.

Comedy and humor and fun are sickening.

Bummer. I that feeling, too, when everyone around doesn't see making a fool out of themselves as anything other than fun, so they get on your back and make you feel guilty for "not being a team player." (And what is the deal with that phrase, "team player?" I have decided that it is only used when trying to browbeat someone into doing something he normally wouldn't do.)

Can you remind us why you like working at this job? It sounds like a nightmare place for an aspie to work. I guess it must be worth it.

What you described reminds me of the social BS of high school. It's like these people have never grown up and are reliving their high school years.

If I were in your position the only way I could do it is with alcohol.

Because it's infinitely better than festering at my parents' house, unable to support myself. Because 95% of the time I like a challenge... I just occasionally want my honest thoughts to be seen by people who will understand them. Because I'm actually highly competitive, and so a high-stress environment like this one suits me well - at least I can be respected for knowing things and working hard, unlike school where trying hard makes you an object of scorn. Because it brings me one step closer to the job I really want. And because I want to look across a sea of faces in deep thrall from a movie, and know that I was part of the force that created it.

It is a sort of game to try to fit in with the others and network, but it is what you need to do for now. It does not help that your boss seems to be an extreme extrovert with no idea that anyone could not enjoy getting on stage and singing karaoke, but you are stuck with this boss for now. Eventually you will get the job you really want, but for now, what song will you perform in the contest? You don't have to win, you know.

is there any mileage in getting involved in the production side of the film, then? you know - "i'm so involved in this side - i'm pulling my weight, but i don't have time to do the in front of the camera stuff"?

just a thought.

i have a public persona too. it fails in any interpersonal situation, though. i am a public speaker and people like me so much i'm often invited back.
i excel at black humor
also song lyrics; lol, when i was a born again christian i wrote and performed a song in front of the whole church. wat reassures me of my as is that i have been invited to dinner a total of twice in i won't tell you how many years of performing.

pm me if you want to see some lyrics. actually the latest one was tamer - it was to the tune of "the devil went down to georgia," composed while cleaning 8 inches of snow off my car because i'm essential personnel.

somehow i have convinced myself that if people are laughing at my performance, they can't be laughing at me...

Yeah, I agree about the game. And I don't give a flying **** about winning, here. I think the best tactic will be to go for something that's good enough to pass but not good enough to win. So far, someone's suggested changing the words to "The Universe Song" from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life so that it's about movie production.

But I'm not even really sure what they want. Something that will be funny to the movie audience that eventually buys the DVD? - which would mean it had to be a kids' song... Or something that would be funny to the people at the company? - in which case it needs to use a ton of inside jokes and references about production. I think I'm being deliberately mind-blind. But I'm absolutely sick of having humor used against me... joining them in spirit instead of in logical calculating facade seems roughly equivalent to siding with the schoolyard bullies.

Vetivert - I am involved in production - that's the part I really care about - even though it's more like technical support than creative development. The problem is that so's everyone in the department. But I may be able to do a minimum level of involvement, ie sing whatever they tell me to sing but not alone, and arrange that others do the creative bit, which is really the part that I hate anyway, because my kind of creativity is antithetical to what they're asking for.

Neuroman - I guess we all have different things that freak us and that don't faze us. I actually preferred the karaoke, because I hid all kinds of my own symbolism in it (I did Evanescence's Bring Me To Life), but I really can't see how the kind of humor they want can possibly exist in the same world I do. I can't imagine how to act in a way that would make people laugh at my performance. My facade for them is hard-working and a little over-formal, occasionally cheerful and feminine. But I don't know how to do silly or laid-back.

The last company I worked for did that too. "Have fun or you're fired! Acceptable fun things are listed in policy# 123-A. Do not deviate from acceptable fun or you will be terminated! Fun will commence at 0800!" I avoided it for a while, then finally got cornered. I did my best, but obviously I don't work there anymore.

I would guess they want inside stuff that the audience won't get. That's what seems to be on most DVD's lately. I think its supposed to make the audience feel like "part of the crew". Whatever. I'd just as soon they leave it off and charge $2 less.

What is so sad about that?

lol and i don't know how to do serious without seeming threatening. silly and laid back gets me in trouble, but more acceptable. though i think last night's silly and laid back may get me a sexual harrassment complaint.
a lot of symbolism for me too in bring me to life

Now, I'm beginning to see why you all would be sad, but I'm still rather curious about the situation.

Can you call in sick the day you are suppose to sing? and the day after if need be?

That isn't a bad idea, although I still don't understand the matter and why it is so sad.

What's sad is that my boss wants me to join in writing a silly song and performing it for the company. I don't want to because I'm scared, angry, embarrassed and confused by the request.

do it in some outragious costume. Then you "arent you" you ARE that character. ive done that in school. I even went as far as gluing a fake beard on my face to tell "the shipmans tale" (canterbury tales) for the class. Or wearing a sombero all day at school do in spanish class I could do what ever it was for the class. Or faking an accent (which I am rather good at) to add rediculous humor as a distraction when I had to try to recite a poem that I forgot to memorize (it worked). I WAS that character, even for that short while. It was easier because any nrevousness or general akwardness I could personify and make into that character's personality. It worked for me. but I'm kinda like neuroman, I have a "public" me and the "real" me. I can "fake" NT for short spans as long as I dont get upset, have to handwrite anything, or do anything that requires extreme coordination.