Music, Madness and Major Pricks

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So, I tried to explain to my BF that although his intentions were good, he wasn't able to be there for me in the way I needed him to be. So, he told me, "After all I've done for you! If I see you on the street, I will not speak to you. You can go to hell!" and he hung up on me.

So, the music in my head got really loud. For those of you who haven't read my other threads, this music (same 8 notes) have been going through my head for a week now, non-stop. It's been driving me crazy and I considered admitting myself to a psych unit today. I called the on-call doc and amazingly he's a specialist in AS. He told me to take my expired risperdal, 2 mg melt-in-the-mouth puff tablet. He said research had shown that meds in the bubble packs didn't expire for a long time after the expiration date.

That saved me having to go to the ER. I'm hoping this makes me sleepy soon and I hope I can finally wake up without the music!

You mean ex BF?

Oh Yeah, DEFINITELY ex-BF.. thank GOD!

I broke up with him yesterday.

Maybe the way I put things sounded like a put-down to him. Maybe I just wasn't skilled in explaining to him. I tried to be nice though, just now. Maybe it was that he hasn't slept in 3 days. Could be that. I'm just over it, though. It's always something with him--drama--medical shit--I can't handle it on top of my own.

I remember when I first dumped my ex a few years back, he was depressed and didn't want to do anything and he was calling himself a screw up. I thought he was doing it to make me feel sorry for him and stuff and it wasn't working because I was thinking he was being a loser but my mom said it was all normal and lot of people are hurt when they break up. But the thing is he acted all cool about it and acted like he didn't care when I told him I was thinking about breaking up with him and his response was "If we break up, we break up" but when I finally did it, he was then all depressed and moping around his friend's mobile home. I could not understand it and then I thought last year he was maybe bluffing by acting like he didn't care. I started a thread about that once here and I got told men hide their true feelings and act all tough and he didn't think I was going to actually break up with him and when I did he thought 'Damn she was serious.'


The way your ex acted, inappropriate because then it just tells the woman why she broke up with him and gives her another reason why she broke up with him. I certainly would not want that kind of guy for a relationship who gets all nasty when things don't go his way. If my ex talked to me that way, I would think "Thank god I broke up with him" and think of that as another reason why I dumped him. I am sure you did good explaining it to him and he just didn't want to hear it. Maybe once he is all cooled down, he might be able to listen and understand. It's harder to understand and listen sometimes when you're all upset. I wonder if everyone has that problem and everyone needs to be all cooled down and not upset anymore to be able to listen and understand.

Thanks for relating.

This is the last email I sent to him and I hope it's the last email ever:

What I was trying to say is despite our best efforts, we cannot meet each other's needs.

You've shown me time and again that I can't depend on you. You're trying to change that and a lot of your problem is medical, I know.

There is always stress and drama in your life and it makes me crazy to witness. Add to that I do not know how much you've been hiding from me all along about your prescription drug addiction. I can't live like that. You could go psychotic or have a heart attack from all those drugs.

As much as I'd like to give you another chance, I am too driven crazy with fatigue to continue.

Your answer "Go to hell" seems to be the answer to all your problems. I think you should wish more people you love to go to hell. I think when you're hurting, you should try to make them hurt too.

This is my last email. Adios!

I don't understand, why do you want him to wish everyone to go to hell he loves and telling him he should make others hurt too? Was that sarcasm? If so, he might not know that and might actually take that advice.

Yeah, total sarcasm.. I think he can pick that up... just because what I said is so ludicrous.

I'm betting the stress of the relations created the intrusive loop in your mind.

Sounds like a pure obsession if you aren't doing any type of compulsion to rid yourself of this unwanted thought.

The anti-psychotic should help (in low doses it seems to do good for obsessive thinking, plus the lovely sedative affect that it creates, so you can drift off to sleepy land. Too bad it doesn't stop the nightmares though, since it makes you sleep so well...).

Thanks. Yeah, the risperdal did work. I slept great and had 2 hours this morning of total peace in my mind b4 the music started back and I had to take another one.