Retched at work after discussion about social reinforcement

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Today, I had one of these occasional and uniquely awful experiences in which I feel like I'm losing my life force while frowning helplessly at my computer. (I've already come up with three definitions of nihilism: ontological, destructive, and value, and I think this might be a fourth.)

I was telling one of my coworkers (who, incidentally, is very nice) that I was frustrated by the fact that I'm not rewarded enough for acts of kindness and even rewarded for behaving violently. Afterward, I got this awful feeling and then retched, right there in my office.

It's like someone is putting a gun in my hand and ordering me to use it. But I don't want to be that hurtful.

Does anyone else understand what I mean? About being... socially reinforced to do bad things?

Actually, yes. It seems the social breaking points for most individuals are enforced, as if people want to be aware of what others are capable of, so instead of trying to genuinely help that person out of personal anguish they'll wait for an outburst or revolt. I don't mean to say that violent or aggressive people are "correct" or are "victimized," since I won't make blanketed controversial statements if I can help it, but I feel very strongly that it is a newly-adapted behavior for standers-by to just watch people unravel than to actually reach out and prevent self-destruction. It makes me sad sometimes.

Sometimes all it takes to bring someone back from pushing out is to look them in the eye and say "I'm here for you." Instead I feel that most will ignore tell-tale signs in some strange form of punishing a perceived neglect from their own feelings and wait for the sufferer to do something drastic. I know that sounds psychotic on my part, but I'm not speaking on my behalf.

This brings to mind the fable of the Fisher King-which y'all can look up if you want because I've got someone breathing down my neck for some computer time.

Let's begin with the story itself. It's the story of the Grail myth, and although there are several variations, my favorite begins with the Fisher King as a young boy who had to spend a night alone in the forest to prove his courage. And during that night, he is visited by a sacred vision. Out of the fire appears the Holy Grail--God's highest symbol of divine grace. And a voice says to the boy, "You shall be the guardian of the Grail, that it may heal the hearts of men."



But the boy was overcome. Innocent and foolish, he was blinded by greater visions--a life ahead filled with beauty and glory, hope and power. Tears filled his eyes as he sensed his own invincibility. A boy's tears of naive wonder and inspiration. And in this state of radical amazement, he felt for a brief moment, not like a boy, but like God. And so he reached into the fire to take the Grail. And the Grail vanished. And the boy's hands were left caught in the flames, leaving him wounded and ashamed at what his recklessness had lost him.

When he became King, he was determined to reclaim his destiny and find the Grail. But with each year that passed, with each campaign he fought, the Grail remained lost, and this wound he suffered in the fire grew worse. He became a bitter man. Life for his lost its reason. With each disappointment, with each betrayal, with each loss, this wound would grow.

Soon the land began to spoil from neglect and his people starved. Until finally, the King lost all faith in God's existence and in man's value. He lost his ability to love or be loved and he was so sick with experience that he started to die.

As the years went on, his bravest knights would search for the Grail that would heal their King and make them the most respected and valued men in the land, but to no avail. Pretty soon, finding the Grail became a ruthless struggle between ambitious men vying for the King's power, which only confirmed the King's worst suspicions of man, causing his wound to grow. His only hope, he thought, was death.

Then one day, a fool was brought in to the King to cheer him. He was a simple-minded man, not particularly skilled, or admired. He tells the King some jokes, sings him some songs, but the King feels even worse. Finally, the fool says, "What is it that hurts you so much? How can I help?"

And the king says, "I need a sip of water to cool my throat."

So, the fool takes a cup from the bedstand, fills it with water and hands it to the King. Suddenly, the King feels a lot better. And when he looks to his hands, he sees that it was the Holy Grail the fool handed him, an ordinary cup that had been beside his bed all along.

And the King asks, "How can this be? How could you find what all my knights and wisest men could not find?"

And the fool answers, "I don't know. I only knew you were thirsty."

And for the first time since he was a boy, the King felt more than a man--not because he was touched by God's glory, but rather, by the compassion of a fool.

I didn't compose that btw it was used for the movie but is based on an Autherian legend, which was based possibly on an earlier Celtic pagan legend.

Thanks, Aimless. I loved that story.

Thanks, I loved the movie Fisher King. Lydia I think could be autistic. I also loved Midnight Cowboy for many of the same reasons. The cowboy (Buck?) stands by Ratso no matter what even though he stands nothing to gain by it. He is just following his instincts, like the fool in the Fisher King fable.

That's a great story, one of my favourites, and illustrative of so many truths.

I just wanted to say that I know what you meant in the OP too. One of the things I hate most about work is the fact that dishonesty seems not just socially acceptable, but also socially imperative, and something that you're rewarded for. This I find deeply distressing. Everybody lies. It's horrendous.

It's like the world is trying to scapegoat me and find excuses to make it look like I deserve to suffer, when really I'm just a victim.