And all I could do was listen.

Post Reply New Topic

[LONG POST WARNING]

I’m putting this in the heaven, because it seems like the best place for this. I’m not looking for support. It’s actually the opposite. This is about me having to be the supporter.

I had an interesting day yesterday.

It started out with going to pickup a friend that will be staying with me for a short while so he can get back on his feet. I have a strong suspicion that he may also be an Aspie. I won’t get into all the details of why here and I’m not trying to play diagnostician either. I gave him “Look me in the eyes” and “The complete guide to Asperger’s Syndrome” to read over and see if he identifies with AS. I’ve suggested that he goes and gets evaluated once he gets insurance, if he thinks he may have AS after reading them.

This friend’s girlfriend is leaving him and moving to another state in a few days. I would also say that I am friends with his now ex-girlfriend. They have been together for 14 years. During that 14 years, there have been some periods where he was not working, but she was. He’s been unemployed for the last 1.5 years. He’s spent his time playing different mass multiplayer video games quite obsessively.

So, I went to pick him up. While he was packing I had a conversation with his girlfriend. I let her know that I wasn’t going to be able to let him stay with me the entire time it will take him to fully get himself out of the hole he’s dug himself (no job, no car, and several other obsticles). I told her because he very well might be back in Chicago (where they are both from originally) and didn’t want it to be a surprise. She cried and was concerned about many things. Despite her hard feelings towards him, she was concerned about him. She talked about how she felt he took advantage of her. And she was upset that his cat (his cat bites her if she tries to touch it) was going to be dropped off at an animal shelter. She knew this cat would probably be put to sleep because it’s so antisocial towards any person other than my friend. I can’t let the cat stay at my place due to allergies and my desire to be able to keep breathing. She also talked about the relationship ending. She was crying (obviously upset) and there wasn’t anything I could say about the situation to fix things. All I could do was listen. I hope that was helpful for her.

So, me and my friend packed up his stuff and headed to the animal shelter with his cat. Since the living situation needs to be temporary, I had to tell him that I can’t let him stay the entire time it will take him to become independent. I wanted to tell him this before he gave his cat to the shelter in case he would rather just head straight to Chicago (where he has family). I would have bought him a ticket to depart in the next couple days, and something could be worked out to save the cat. He didn’t see an alternative either way, so we took the cat to the shelter.

After dropping the cat off, he cried the whole way back to my house. I know he was upset to lose his cat, but I think everything else was also hitting him all at once. He instantly developed a headache and couldn’t handle the sunlight even though it was cloudy outside. He took some headache meds when we got back to my place and we waited until he was feeling better to unload his stuff. Once he was calmed down we unloaded his things and setup his computer.

We talked about his situation and his options. It looks like his best option is to move back to Chicago and live with his brother. I can only handle my bubble being invaded for so long and he does have a track record of becoming a non contributing dependant of people that care about him. I have a track record of letting people take advantage of me. The kicker is he’ll be the last of my three friends that would still be in the area where I live. My best friend is moving to another state when he gets out of the Army and the third friend is covered next. So, what’s best for the friend I’ve been talking about is going to leave me friendless.

So, dinner was done and my friend was settled down and the phone rings. It was my third friend. His mother died about a month ago. She was bed ridden for eight years and he was unemployed and taking care of her full time, the entire time. His grandfather owns the house they were living in. His grandfather had always said he was selling the house when my friend’s mother died…

Sorry for all the background information on this post… It all seems relevant to me, and there is allot on each story that’s not being included to save this from becoming a book….

So the friend with the mother that recently died is on the phone. He was sitting in an almost empty house. The only thing that hadn’t been moved out was his pets, a radio, a chair, and a picture of his mother. And…. he was very drunk (no he doesn’t usually drink). So for over two hours he vented to me on the phone. His aunt is trying to get the jewelry that was given to his mother that his mother in turn left to his sister. His brother was trying to get the window air conditioner unit that used to be additional cooling for his mother’s room (this was already moved to where he will be staying). And… He’s moving to live with his dad 3 hours away from here to get back on his feet. His father is an alcoholic that left his mother with 5 kids when he was younger… Ect, ect, ect. There wasn’t anything I could do to make his situation better. All I could to help was listen.

So with all that said… I guess the moral of what I want to say is. Life has become crazy for the few people that are part of my support network. It’s all happening at the same time. My family lives in another state and I cannot move to be with them because I now own a condo that is worth less now than when I bought it due to the housing market. Despite how life changes of my friends are going to affect me, I HAVE to be there for them. Three people I care about all needed emotional support from me on the same day. And for the most part, all I could do was listen. I hope that’s good enough.

Yes, I've had this experience of everyone going down at nearly the same time. It's pretty amazing.

And yes, pretty much all you can do is listen, respectfully. Everyone has to work out their own lives on their own, however much we love and care for them.

I've tried to pour my heart out to someone and pretty much felt shut down because they didn't "just listen" but tried to solve my problems for me, told me how I should feel, or given unasked-for advice.

Do be careful about that...oops, unasked for advice. {{censored advice}}

Anyway, good work. I'm sure they found it helpful. Sorry your support system seems to be evaporating. I hate it when that happens. It's kinda scary.

You are wise to know that all you can do is listen. I have been in those situations and still felt bad that I couldn't fix things. I had two friends, one dealing with a substance abuse problem and another with a mental illness and they both wanted me to be available to them at all times. My employer even noticed the physical effect the stress was having on me. I actually made the mistake of helping too much which just prolonged the problem. I'm sure someone is thinking "enabler" right now and they wouldn't be wrong. I think the impulse to enable is the same impulse that leads one to abuse drugs and alcohol. You just want the pain to stop whether it's yours or theirs.

You rock, j0sh!

I know it can take a lot of energy out of you to help your friends out so much, so often. I hope you can take a break sometime for a much needed recharge. It's well deserved.

Thank you for the kind words everyone.

Donkey,

These events have been the discussion point of my last two support group meetings. The group helped me establish some rules to protect myself. So yes, I’m trying to be careful about the situation.

Cool!

Why is that cat in an animal shelter?

From what I gather its his cat and he is living with you and you have allergies so he had to give his cat to the shelter?

Are they just holding it for him, or putting it up for adoption?

You seriously going to let a cat be put to sleep because you have allergies?

You don't have a spare room or closet to keep it in for a while?

What the f**k?

I have a one bedroom condo. If the cat stayed in my closet, I would have a reaction from it’s dander getting on my clothes. His cat also likes to mark territory (piss on things) allot.

If I’m around cats, I start having problems breathing. Even if his cat was locked up in a closet for the three or so months he will likely be staying with me, I would still have problems breathing.

I was willing to pay several hundred dollars buying my friend a plain ticket to prevent the cat from being put into the shelter. Putting the cat in the shelter was my friend’s idea in the first place.

It’s a crappy situation. But it’s not my fault. You can get upset with my friend who IS responsible for the situation and DID make the decision to put his cat in the shelter though. Well, I guess you can get upset with me too if you wish, but I know it wasn’t my fault, so w/e.

This is sooo not appropriate. If someone has severe allergies, a cat CAN'T be anywhere in the house. I'm sure the owner tried to find some other alternative, but the cat doesn't get along with other people, and the owner is becoming homeless.

Would you rather the OP didn't provide a temporary place for his friend to stay? Do you REALLY put the needs of an animal before the needs of people?

If you do, then in my book you really can't claim the moral high ground, only the sentimental swamp.

The OP is providing an alternative to living on the street. He deserves praise, not your guilt tripping.

j0sh, you're already bending over backwards for your human friends. It would be way too much to demand that you sacrifice your own health for your friends. What tota is asking for is over the top.

I saw someone have an allergic reaction to a cat and it was immediate and severe. Within a few minutes her face had swollen to twice it's normal size. Don't assume it's just a matter of a few sniffles.

Update:

I took the friend that was staying with me to the airport yesterday. He's back in Chicago with his family now. I think he's got a better understanding of himself after reading some books on AS and the discussions we've had while he was staying with me. I got him an MP3 player so he has a way to create space when he gets overstimulated and needs to calm down. I think the fresh start will do him good.

Good-I came back to my hometown when things fell apart. I was resistant at first but now I'm glad. I hope he does well. Did he get his cat back?

GOOD WORK! Really, helping someone to help themselves is the very best thing to do, and it sounds like you've done a good job with that. I hope he'll stay in touch so you can continue to support his journey of self-understanding.