Complete and utter lack of hope

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I may be working out twice a day, and I did lose 50 lbs in the last year.

I know I should be happy about my upcoming full-time student life starting in Winter.

But I have no IRL friends. Never had any real ones. All of my true friends are people I only know from a vast distance.

I am so inept at life that people don't want anything to do with me IRL.

Perhaps there is nothing here that a bullet in the head can't fix. Some people have told me that nobody would miss me if I took such a route - people who used to pretend to be good friends until it became clear I was suffering from schizophrenia (that is now under control, thankfully).

I cannot live like this any longer. I seriously cannot keep tasting rejection. I know this post sounds whiny and emo, and it will piss a lot of people off here, but damn it - this hurt is way too much for me to keep on living with, and it only gets worse every day.

What the hell am I supposed to do with myself?

This is tough. But you sound tough too, for having walked this far. I admire your courage.

I don't think it is courage that keeps me going. I think it is the lack of courage in actually ending it all that keeps me going.

People tell me I am moving forward, but I am moving forward completely alone. The only people I can really talk with are a few people online who have never met me face-to-face, and most likely never will.

I'm so goddamn lonely that all of my efforts feel completely futile.

Don't kill yourself kaworu.
You can still reading books, watching movies, watching anime, play video games,...
It's not as good as having a friend, but it stiil allow you to forget your problems and make life bearable.
And you can't never know how life will turn up. Maybe it will turn up good.

Please, don't kill yourself.

I've been doing many things to fill my time. I've been working out twice a day, I've been watching a lot of movies, playing a lot of games, working at my PT job whenever hours come in, etx.

Distraction no longer works for me the way it used to.

If I had enough money, I would be drunk most of the time. Perhaps it is for the best that I cannot afford to purchase bourbon very often.

But I see no hope in my life at all. No real reason to keep pushing on. A few people have told me that if I died today, nobody would miss me, and the world would be a better place because of it, and I believe them.

i hope you find some way, i defintley know the feeling. and im shure people would miss you if you were gone, if i suddenly dissaperd my mom would miss me and so would my siblings, but more importantly, my fire agates would miss me the most because hardley anyone this side of the hemisphere shows them the respect, love and attention they really deserve

goodluck

That's cruel
If nothing else, keep living just to spite them.


That's something I can't realistically respond to - answer to that is something to find out for you - it's not for me to be arrogant enough to tell you what to do.

Do you have something for a spiritual life - that is often said to help when feeling that way.
Not necessarily some organised religion (they can be a bit iffy as to how much they help), but something of life and soul which works for you. Meditation, Naturism (don't know it that's really a name but it describes the idea), something in the "established" faiths: anything.


Yeah, but, see, with that the possibility to find something is lost.
Finally.
Forever.
Definitely.

Although there is the attraction that it may well end the suffering. Finally. Forever.
Maybe.

We have a neighbor, Bobby, with schizophrenia, and we see that some days, weeks even, his life is quite difficult. Yet, he goes on. I can't really say what carries him through those times; but, he does do a couple creative things. And, yes, there is an in real life friend who sometimes helps out.

Yes, there are no guarantees there in finding IRL friend or two: there is potential, possibility, hanging on to that might sometimes be just enough to make it through the next day, next hour, next minute, next second.

I remember the time that dying seemed the absolute best solution. Decades later, I am so glad my faith would not let me do it. I am in a good place in life now. A very good place.

I don't think that my life would be in as painful now if I did not have a taste of friendship that I thought was genuine at the time starting about a decade ago. That all went to hell when I started having hallucinations. Pretty much all of those "friends" pretty much told me they wanted nothing more to do with me, for they felt I was "choosing" to have those symptoms and that I was "being an a$$hole" for seeking out medical treatment when I should have instead just "stopped choosing to be a lunatic". I was never a threat to anybody else, I never acted out violently..... but they convinced themselves that moment would be inevitable, and they wanted to be very far away from me before that happened. A few of them ganged up on me and told me the best thing a doctor could do for me would be to "induce a permanent coma". Yes, really. People that I used to talk to on a daily basis - transforming into this over circumstances that were outside my control. I sought out help as soon as I realized what was going on, got a brain scan before I had a full-fledged schizophrenic meltdown (which confirmed the disease was there) and got on treatment early. I was controlling it the best I could, but that was not good enough.

The only person who hangs with me these days is a woman who is much more unstable than I am. She basically comes over to my apartment just so I can feed her, because she often neglects to purchase food for herself. I suspect I am enabling her behavior by giving her an alternative to buying food for herself, and this is getting too expensive for me. I don't want to be an a$$hole, but this can't continue going on this way. She doesn't want to watch movies with me, all she wants to do is come over and eat my food, and then go home.

And my family? I am seriously considering severing ties with most of them. Most of them are of the opinion that my illnesses are "choices" I made, and that my seeking out medical attention is nothing more than "running away from reality".

I am terribly lonely. I feel a stinging pain in my heart that is always there, always gnawing at my soul. I know I can't keep going on like this much longer.

Oh yes, sever ties with all those putrid people. You have got to find a different set of people. Start going places you've never been and doing things you've never done until you find out where the good people are. Is there some way for you to be a volunteer assistant at a school or club for handicapped children? I always found the best people to be those who deliberately adopt handicapped children. They could accept me and my daughter with autism plus with nary a ruffle.