How do I get my mom to listen to me?

Post Reply New Topic

So, I have a problem.

My mom knows that I have communication issues (e.g. troubles with abstractions, lack of facial expressions, tone of voice etc.), and that I'm a logical, not emotional, thinker. I have told her several times that when I'm trying to tell her something, she has to listen to my words, nothing else.

I have also told her that I do not say things if I haven't thought them through thuroughly (say that three times fast!), and that questioning me will stress me out, sometimes to the point where I'm on the edge of a meltdown.

This happened today. She asked me a question. I made a decision and gave her an answer. She questioned my answer and started to argue with me. It wasn't her intention to stress me out but her intentions don't mean much compared to the actual effects of her actions.

Another thing is that when I'm on the edge of a meltdown I lose all control over tone of voice and facial expressions. It's fight or flight. This makes me sound/look very angry if i speak. I have told her countless times that It's NOT anger, it's PANIC, and it's NOT directed at her.

At this point I haven't yet lost my reasoning skills, only my regulation of tone of voice and facial expressions. I know what is causing me to break down, and I know what must be done to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I also know that my memory is extremely bad when it comes to these things, so this is the only time I can actually explain what it is thats making me break, so I have to do it now, or I will never have a chance to explain it, which would make it impossible to stop the same situation from reaccurring.

The thing is, because I dont have control over facial expressions and tone of voice, she makes the false assumption that I'm angry, and therefore she doesn't want to listen to anything I have to say.

This stresses me out even further, which causes a full-blown meltdown.

So, a quick recap:

- Mom stresses me out by making a mistake that can be easily corrected.
- I try to tell her that what she did was a mistake, and try to explain why so she'll understand that she has to try to avoid making the same mistake in the future.
- After one sentence (remember that I can't do abstractions) she figures she's got the point, and also that I'm angry, so she doesn't want to listen any more.
- Meltdown.


So my questin is, how do I explain to her that she must listen to me, and that she can't take my supposed anger peronally because it isn't even anger in the first place?

EDIT: I should add that I found out about my autism/asperger's about 1-1½ year ago, and I'm in the middle of an assessment. My mother belives me when I say that I'm autistic, but she really doesn't know what it means.

Can you ask a question when you disagree instead of telling her she is wrong or how she should behave?

I can't get people to listen when I argue the facts. If I really want to be heard, I find people needing to be right infuriating as more often than not, they are wrong. But they'll usually back down for some version of "this makes me uneasy".

Deleted double post

Well, what happened was that she's been promising me for weeks now that she's gonna help me with the dishes. Today she asked if I wanted her to do it a while later. I said that would be perfect, since I was going to the library anyways, and I don't like people to make a lot of noice with dishes when I'm in the apartment (we live in the same house, in different apartments), so I'll leave the door unlocked.

Then she asked "are you really gonna leave the door unlocked, leaving your guitars unprotected?"

I replied "yes mom, it's gonna be fine"

but she continued arguing. The thing is, we had the exact same argument the last time she was gonna help me with dishes.

So there was a lot of stuff going on in my head.

1. We already had this conversation. I hate repeating myself.
2. I said it's fine. The're my guitars. If someone steals them, it's my responsibility. I'm not a child.
3. My whole apartment's been coverd in dishes for weeks because she promised to help me but didn't.

I don't know how to sugarcoat it. I just know that I have to tell her to stop arguing with me, and quickly, before I have a meltdown.

I guess I need two things:

1. A way to stop people from hurting me, without hurting their feelings.
2. A way to explain to people close to me (like my mom) that I don't mean to hurt their feelings, I't just that they are hurting me, and I need them to stop, immediately.

I understand from people's reactions that I'm very intimidating when I'm stressed, so I think the problem lies more with non-verbal than verbal communication.

It seems like she is uncomfortable with you leaving your door unlocked. Or maybe fishing to get a key to your apartment?

Would you be satisfied if you could find a way around the problem, rather than you and your mom banging into the same stone wall over and over?

It would be good if she had a key, but it was more about her worrying about thieves (not really a big risk where I live).

I will try to solve this particular problem, and that probably won't be very difficult, but this particular issue is not really the problem I'm trying to adress (even though I'm still thankful for your input here, since I needed to figure that out as well), but rather how she reacts when I "overreact". There will always be times when she steps over my boundaries, whether they're rational or not, and it will sometimes cause a meltdown.

When that happens I need her to be able to disregard my emotions, and listen to my words. Also I would need some phrase that would tell her that she has to stop what she is doing, without making her feel bad, even though I sound like I want to murder someone. I don't know, is that even possible?

I don't wanna wait until I've calmed down, because I won't be able to express what I want to say anymore.

I don't think you can. Over 80% of communication is non-verbal. That is what people pay attention to. We can't help it. Perhaps come up with a simple hand gesture or phrase to use when you feel like you are about to go over the edge. When you are in a calm state, tell her what the hand gesture or phrase means. Then use it the next time you feel like she is bringing you toward a meltdown.

It sounds like you generally like your mom? And you're certainly entitled to what you're asking for. I'm just not sure your mom can give it to you the way you want. If you love and respect her enough to compensate, resolving this probably requires compromise.

It also sounds like you want and need her to listen and understand and act on what you are saying, while she needs the same. Could you consider the possibility this could be Aspie meltdown versus anxious meltdown? And since ASDs run in families and she's being a bit rigid, this could even be Aspie meltdown versus Aspie meltdown. Girls and women with ASD may be harder to spot but we generally tend to look more anxious and that confuses people sometimes. Not saying your mom has anything wrong or any disorder, but try thinking this way, see whether it helps.

I wish I could have a relationship with my mom that felt real. If you do---and it seems like it just because you have hope and desire for real change---maybe you can find an answer through recognizing that she is stuck in this way if relating no less than you. And might be eager for a way out.

If your mom is anxious, you could try telling her in a calm or sad voice you recognize that you might upset her and it's the absolute last thing you'd ever want to do, you'd like to try something different by (fill in something you can do like saying mom I need ten minutes to think about this) next time there is a problem. Then ask if that's ok with her then close your mouth and listen. She's likely to object for a bit and, as long as you listen and don't argue, agree within a few minutes. Because if she is anxious, she'll want the calm that goes with going along.

And if you think your mom is an Aspie, try doing what would help you in premeltdown mode.



Either way, solving small problems like keys can probably lower the degree of frustration for both of you. I think it's great reading your posts. So many people posting here especially in the Haven would not be able to safely, calmly give their mother a key. I did, it made me very anxious though I know she'd never do anything bad with it and she lives 250 miles away.

em_tsuj: That's a really good idea. I will definately try it. Thanks a lot!

Waterfalls: I've always been close to my mom. I have suspected for a while that she's on the spectrum, even though she doesn't think so herself. Either way she does have anxiety issues. I almost feel ashamed I didn't think of it that way. She might not have been able to respond differently, because my mood set off her anxiety. I'm really glad you opened up my mind to this.

I will try to talk to her later today, and suggest a handgesture (which is probably perfect, since while I am very much left-brained, she is quite the opposite).

As for the key, I hope there is an extra spare somewhere, because I kind of broke mine by slamming the door during a meltdown caused by my not-so-understanding father (who doesn't live here ATM, fortunately). Luckily, I'm confident she would never enter my apartment without asking me first.

I actually feel confident that I can solve this now, even though it might take a while for both me and my mom to learn the hand gesture thing. I feel much better already. Thank you so much for the help!

Glad you feel better☺️

I really respect how openminded you are looking at solutions for the problem. Hope it goes well--it sounds like you feel able to appreciate she may be struggling a great deal too, and I think when we convey understanding and appreciation for someone it goes a long way to shifting conflict into something better.

Let us know how it goes if you like. It makes me feel good to read how you really want to work things out!