Dealing with those coping with death

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well I never really had issue with death. I always saw it as something to be expected, common, and logical conclusion to life. When someone dies I simply accept it and move on. I know this is not normal. Right now my grandfather is on his deathbed. I have accepted it days ago, but I'm basically the only one. I dont know how to handle the rest of the family while they are greiving. I simply cant relate to how they feel. Already I can tell the fact I am not emotional like them is making things worse, but I have no idea what else to do. I cant fake feeling like they do, and if I talk about it I'm always cold and tactless

I'm the same way. I'm sad and all, but I don't have 'normal' grieving reactions and stages.

But people grieve in lots of different ways, and it's often very private. When a loved one dies, and they went through a long period where they were in pain and required a lot of care, for example, the people closest to them often feel relieved, and then they feel guilty about that.

The best thing is probably to be quiet and respectful, and supportive to your family members, and not talk about it much.

I understand about how it just seems like the inevitable logical step; I feel much the same way.

On the other hand, a rare and unique individual is dying. You will never meet anyone like that again and whatever special qualities that person had for you you will never meet again. So perhaps you can pay respect to and cherish that aspect of the precious life of the person who is dying.

I've said to others "It just seems a little unreal right now." You don't have to specify what It is... for me it was how extreme other's emotions got. And how much denial they had about death. The truth, but not the whole truth.

You can also be a good listener. Often we don't really have to 'get' what the other person is feeling to understand that they need our love and support. Caring for them during this time may be something you can do... running errands, sitting with the dying person so they can take a break, bringing/preparing them good healthy food, cleaning up.

And totally true things you can say...
This must be hard for you.
You seem upset. Would it help to talk?
It's hard to imagine life without ----. (I have a hard time imagining any future, so this is easy)
Are you going to be OK?
Can I get you a tissue?

And you can try to get them talking about memories they have of times shared with the dying person.

I did a lot of reading about how to comfort the grieving... it was a help, once I got over my dismay over how other people were reacting. Besides caring for my dying mother, I was able to at least intellectually understand what the NTs were going through.

My reactions to deaths are varied. Mostly I become sad for the loss of the person, but sometimes other priorities come into play.

For example: One of my grandfathers died in 1988. The summer before, we'd been to his place to visit, and in a story for another time, a bunch of my stuffed animals got left there. So when we went for the funeral (this was quite a distance, requiring a ferry ride and several hours' drive), while I was sad that Grandpa had died, I was bound and determined to make sure I got my toys back.

when my grandmother died, it was surreal. It was like, it didn't really sink in.

Normally this is the case for me as well but when my 9 year old daughter was killed I took it VERY differently. I went to bed for 5 months and wouldnt change clothes, shower, eat, talk - nothing. I couldnt accept she was dead.
One day a frend who had been force feeding me off and on decided that enough time had passed and the smell in my room was just outrageous so he pulled me out of bed, threw me in the shower with my clothes on and sprayed me down with dish soap. When the first layer of grime lifted he got me undressed and washed me properly. I was so numb I wasnt even self conscious about it - and then he sat me down and told me we were going to clean out her room and then I was going to cry or whatever I had to do and then, from then onb, the only time I was going to think about it would be the week that she died ONCE A YEAR - but no other time. That sounded logical and that's what I do now. It's not so bad 11 years later but it still hurts me in a different way than anything else ever was able to get through.
Most of the time I dont get emotionsal over death - but know that we CAN.
I dont know if that helps.