emptiness + anger

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Do any other people here have trouble finding positive things to occupy your mind when the excitement of an obsession or personal interest starts to wear off? I'm really struggling with this right now. I get really into something for a while then the joy/excitement it brings starts to tire on me and it feels like the whole world is crashing down. Then what's left is a mysterious thirst for something that completely eludes me. I can't really put into words how paralyzing this feeling gets. I get into this mood and I have an intense aversion to doing anything that doesn't generate enthusiasm for me.

It's absolute hell. I'm living with my father and he can't understand me and this leads to endless fights. People think I'm lazy or that I'm "choosing" to have this problem. I can't tolerate the thought of people having these negative thoughts toward me and it makes me want to end it all. I sometimes feel incredibly violent inside. The loathing cuts so deep that it feels like I need to lash out and show my rage to the world.

I do but not to the extent that you're expressing. I just feel a little depressed and out of it until something else catches my interest.

I don't know what to say to this. I know you are not "lazy" and that this is no "choice" of yours. I, too, have faced those stigmas and know how much it hurts.

You are not alone in this. I wish I knew what else to say, but do know that I feel your frustrations, and understand completely where they come from.

Have you explored the possibility of bi-polar? I have uni-polar depression, but an aunt and daughter have bi-polar. The daughter also has autism plus.
There is something that causes this for you.

Oh, I just remembered, C.S. Lewis uses a German word for this ache for joy, and of course I can't recall that word. He talks about it in his book Surprised By Joy.

I experience this very often. As lelia said, it may be related to bi-polar. One of my doctors suggested that I may have bi-polar and I can see how this may be true in a mild sense.

After mastering a difficult song on the piano, composing a song on the piano, completing a difficult and profound math proof, or just hitting a long time goal in the gym leaves me eventually feeling depressed and hollow without that intense drive that got me to my achievement. It's like my mind is swimming in a vacuum and I long for something deeply but I don't even know what it is. I get into a rut of being unable to concentrate on anything because I can't help but wish for that intensity of enthusiasm of ambition that I just recently possesed. I always pull myself out of it eventually but I'm not really sure how, so I wish I could help but I'm just as lost as you are

You need to understand that your father is being unreasonable. Remember all the things you HAVE accomplished in order to re-affirm your self-worth. It may not help you to get that joy and drive back but maybe it will relax your anger and allow you to quietly slip out of the depression and aimless thought patterns.

I know what you mean about losing ambition and not being able to focus. I can't tolerate that feeling, it's painful. My mind craves activity and when I get tired of thinking the emptiness creeps in. I also have mini-depressions after I do something physically strenuous. I get done climbing a mountain and then feel depressed as hell.

I thought maybe I have a bipolar type of depression but my mood swings are sudden, not drawn out over weeks or months. I'm also depressed 90% of the time if I'm not doing something that's "fun" for me. I just can't seem to handle the daily grind of life and I neglect things out of my extreme lack of enthusiasm. I can barely make myself look at my mail or take care of my bills.

Most of my adult life I've felt like Sisyphus rolling the rock up the hill. It's gotten so bad that my father is living with me taking care of me. It's gotten to the point where I completely lose it when I'm by myself. I can barely make myself do anything. I feel like my father resents having to live with me and help me out. His resentment makes me hate myself. He demands that I show more "appreciation" but I don't have the will power. To him appreciation means pretending to be happy when I'm around him so as not to "bring him down". Aaagh! I just can't do it. I can't please anyone because I hate life so much. I really want to kill myself.

Yes, I must *always* have some kind of meaningful project going!

Sometimes I will stretch one on out a bit (even to the point of slight boredom) while watching the horizon for another, and I can even do that by "taking a break" to do something else for a few hours at a time. But when there is nothing at all truly "meaningful" to do, I can usually do very little at all until something else comes along ... and so far, something always has.

There are a couple different variations of Bipolar and one of them can do that.


That concept is all too well understood here.

If I don't have a project going, I'll swing between anger at the world for all its personal injustice and refusal to understand my needs and total self-hatred for not being normal and meeting my own needs. I have to have a project going all the time that is persoanlly meaningful for me, that either gives me confidence that I can meet some of my own needs or that I am working for the betterment of mankind and ridding it of stigma. It is very consistent that if I let go of my projects, I lose control of my emotional life, potentially my freedom, and given the depth of my despair, that can sometimes be a threat to my physical life. I know I'm climbing out of the hole when I start making lists of projects. Even if nothing else happens, it's helpful just to recognize that as progress.

I have felt that way before. I have been kinda indifferent lately.