I just need to vent and get this out. Couldn't deal with going to work this morning. I have been super unproductive at work (and we bill by the hour, well, every 10 minutes) and the work I am doing is causing me so much stress because I have to prepare a court submission based on someone else's notes, and there is NO detail so I have NOTHING to write about and can't analyze anything (of course I'm told to just make a superficial summary report but that is next near impossible). It was taking me 15 minutes to write one sentence yesterday...
My temporary trainee contract is technically up at the end of this week and no one has said anything to me about it. It has always been the plan that I would stay full time. I am too scared to ask--I'm always really scared of feedback and failure. I asked for a meeting with my supervisor to fill out forms on Monday (to submit to the professional association about the end of my traineeship), and he agreed to the meeting (but didn't say anything more), and I would think that someone would tell me that I didn't have a job and needed to start looking but this just preoccupies me and makes me scared of everyone at work (plus, being "sick" today is not likely helping anything!). Someone at work just announced his retirement and i have no idea of what to say to him, and someone else at work just had a baby (well, his wife did) and I have no idea of what to say to him and normally I just avoid these situations but I will appear rude if I do.
Also, last week my new therapist first mentioned AS to me, and everything seems to fit into place it is just overwhelming and now I'm really questioning my career choice and future. After a bad night of sleep (or no sleep) I'm taking the morning to rest. It's sort of rare for me to miss work and with the end of the contract coming up I shouldn't but I just couldn't do it this morning.
30 Sep 2009, 9:35 am
