Im kinda bummed and feeling really unsure of my self. heres the background:
Until this past weekend, I hadnt been on a date for almost 2 years. Clearly Im not a social goddess. This fact in and of it self has caused many a night of tears, depressive thougths, and just plain ole self doubt. thats on top of all the lonelyness that I got to feel. Well I managed to land not one, but TWO dates with TWO different guys. Guy one I'll call "ken" Guy two I'll call "pat". I have gone on a date with ken once before, about 3 or 4 years ago. My younger sister worked with him and set it up. I thought we hit it off, but alas he "never had time" to go out again. He was, and it was varified, working alot and didnt have time. We emailed some and tried to go out again last year, alas, it was cancled due to work. In an email a couple weeks ago, I shot back at his latest "how are things, and whats new" inquiry, "we ought to get some coffee some time". Well he took me up on it and ta-da, I had a date.
"pat" is a friend of my younger sister and was beckoning her with a request to find a woman that wasnt "into mind games" and all that. SOOOO she, asked me if it would be okay to exchange emails with him on my behalf. Sure, I say. Well Pat and I email for a couple weeks, and lo and behold he askes me to dinner. (I was impressed, I have NEVER had two dates in one weekend) So we go out. WOW, we have lots of intrests in common, we talked and things seemed really positive. (did I meantion that my sister didnt tell me that this guy was just an "email" friend that she had. I thought he was a friend in "real time". She also worked with his mother).
After each date I got the customary "had a good time, lets do this again, talk to you later etc". My family is anxious to see if I get a SECOND date out of any one of these two men. I never meantioned to either that I was lacking severely in the friends arena. I also had a severe inner ear disturbance this weekend so I was dizzy. (it was not noticible to them and I didnt meantion it to keep from seeming defective)
Im not sure how to "read" the events. "pat" was emailing me at least once a day, ah ha... no email in two days..... and "ken" is kinda random, but that date, although nice, ended before 8pm.
SO.... I am begining to doubt myself again, because there has been no further individiual contact from either. I know its not been but a couple days, but I still dont know if I was tooweird, too short, etc.
My biggest worry is that my weight is a major issue. It has been in the past, and no matter how freaking small I have gotten its never small enough. (currently Im a currrvvvyy sz 18, but have been a rather flat 4 many moons ago) Id like to think that men can overlook a "perfect" size because I have seen some women that are larger than I that have mates. So that leaves me with the socalization thing that I cant seem to get nailed down. (my shrink isnt much help yet there) I dont lie to anyone about my weight (well I dont give the number because I look way smaller than I should). the thing that got me was that "pat" just stopped and staired at me when we first made contact. Like he was trying to look through me or read small print on my nose or something. That put me on edge. I cant figure out what that was. I keep thinking really negitively about it and that bumms me out. I dont care if these rare randevous ripen into a relationship, but I'd like to at least cultivate a friend or two.
So Im at a loss. Is it my move now, or do I just wait to see if one or the other calls? I'm really no good at the whole dating thing and would love some honest, candid advise.
OK Rant and all over. Thanks for listening!
07 Feb 2006, 3:12 am
