Thoughts from adults after realizing you have AS

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I'm looking to get other peoples thoughts about when you realized that AS was a part of your life. I'm 33 and recently realized it is part of who I am and have had so many thoughts and feelings and am still sorting through them all. It's only been a month now so it's still very fresh!

At first there was the 'Ah Ha, the world makes sense now!' All the things that never really made sense, or why I felt different, etc.. there is a reason, it's not just me!

Then at the same time there are the depresed feelings, that I am diferent and always will be. Sometimes it's easy to spin it positively and enjoy the mind that I have and the things I can do that others can not.

Another big part of my state of mind has to do with my relationship with my wife. From reading many posts here, books, etc.. I have accepted the fact that the AS is/was part of the fault for poor communication, lack of intimacy, etc.. but with my son being diagnosed as well she knows as much or more about it than I do at this point. I would think that there would be some kind of positive change when we both realized the things that we beyond our control. Now that I understand it better I make a concious effort to not let the AS cause comunication issues, and I hoped she would too. for some reason it's worse now and there is more of a disconnection between us. I try hader and she seems to have given up.

This leads me to wonder if knowing I have AS has put me in a slight depression (worse than I was before .. ) I think after years of coping and not knowing what I was coping with it didn't bother my life too much. Now that I know it's there in a way I have been letting it control me more. I don't know if this is possible? I wonder if I let it come out more so I can experience MY normal thoughts and emotions and NOT what the NT's had made me think I needed to be like.

In the end, I've grown from the realization and it's been for the better.. but I wanted to see if others had similar thouhgts, experiences, etc.. thanks for taking the time to read me!

Cheers!

Most definitely! I had the same epiphany that you did and felt great relief and comfort knowing that there was a reason for my struggles and my feelings or being "different" from others. I had the same influx of awkward and confusing memories that could now be framed with the "label" of AS. Everything made sense and it was a nice feeling..... for a while. Then I started to wonder if my coping skills were effective and if others found me to be difficult or annoying or whatever else. In a sense... I became even more self conscious than I had been before knowing about AS. I felt more aware of my stemming behaviors and my extreme difficulties with knowing when to talk and when to be silent, how much information to share, when do people not actually want to know the answer to the questions they are asking and when they really do want to know..... all of the really confusing stuff. I'm sure you know well what I am describing..... I am feeling much better now, however. I think that what was really going on was that I had learned enough about AS to have identified the things about me that are "different" with a level of precision that was not possible before because I had no idea that everyone didn't have the same difficulties as me. Now that I am aware of exactly what is different, I am now working on convincing myself that no one knows what I am thinking but me!! They have no idea that I am running through elaborate flow charts in my head to help me know how to act or what to say. They have no idea that I have my hands stuffed into the pockets on my jacket so that I can do my hand rituals. They have no idea what it is like to be me any more than I know what it is like to be them. Now I am working on being comfortable with that knowledge and trying to understand myself better through a better understanding of AS. I have read some other posts on here that are similar sounding to yours and mine. I think that there is a process that we all go through and that it is similar for all of us. Sure, we are all different, but we all seem to be elated about finding out and then suddenly depressed or maybe even angry..... painfully aware of our differences and then on a path to accept who we are and why we are the way that we are. Honestly, I think I know more about "me" than most NT people know about themselves! It has been an over all positive experience for me.

At first it was like "Thank God! Something that makes sense!" but then it's like.. "What now?" My psychiatrist quite easily admitted that she doesn't know anything about AS.. she's not a child psychiatrist, it's not something she deals with. But she's really nice and I like her and I soooo don't want to go about dealing with other shrinks, there was a whole ordeal with that when I first moved down here and it was a mess. I'm not sure that there'd be any point in getting a diagnosis, because as far as I know there's nothing that they do to help adults with AS anyways. The only diagnosis she has down for me is ADD.
I'm not sure what the disability person diagnosed me with-- maybe agoraphobia. There was a very long time where I pretty much didn't leave my room. I still don't go out a particularly lot. For a little while I did, but it got to be too much. I walk my dog along the trail around the outside edge of the neighborhood, but mostly I'm home. I'm thinking there are probably a lot of agoraphobic aspies.
I think part of my problem when I moved down here and went to find a psychiatrist was that I don't have a solid diagnosis of anything. Things like depression and anxiety are really just symptoms for me, not an actual disorder. ADD is definitely very significant--I have trouble even reading a book without medication-- but obviously it doesn't explain everything.
So when I found all these people here who have so many of the same problems I do, it was like "hallelujah!"
The problem is that there's not really anything to do about it. Besides feel a bit better that I'm not just completely insane.

Definitely had the Aha moment. I first heard of AS on tv a couple years ago (House episode!) and it caught my interest. I started learning everything I could about It. My version is in the mild to moderate range, mainly because I developed decent coping skills at an early age. It was a relief at first to know (as you said) that there was a reason behind my eccentricity, but also the haunting idea that this may be as good as it gets.

I went the opposite route as you though. I was trying my damnedest to fit in with everyone and it was exhausting and depressing. I stopped trying so hard and life has gotten a bit easier for me, though my family is concerned I have grown severely depressed and withdrawn (I haven't told them about AS). I have become more withdrawn but not because of depression, but because it is comforting to me.

My thoughts?

"I wonder if I have enough time to quickly grab an ice-cream before I get back to work?"

Yup, my exact thoughts after the doctor told me I was on the spectrum. Also the thought after the other two said I was on the spectrum.

I guess I went through a range of emotions, including the "Ah-ha" moment. But I guess I felt a bit of guilt too, now I had an excuse for all my "bad" behaviours, and I don't do excuses.

Now it's more along the lines of "I act this way, deal with it or move on."

Yeah, I just discovered, got Dx'd with AS this last April, definitely had the ah-HA moment... lasted about a week, then got left out of a big trip with my spiritual mentor because she just couldn't deal with it... crash goes the whole she-bang. Major meltdown, agoraphobia, shutdown... everything for about a week. Decades since that happened. Recovered from that, and went into just general depression... this is as good as it's gonna get, and the bad times when someone rejects me, bites my head off, or is frightened of me are just going to keep happening. >>GLOOM<<

I think I did become 'more autistic' for a while, but now 6 months post-Dx I feel more like my old self. Difficulty with partner... yeah, it does seem to have increased a bit, but it's hard to say who's responsible... she says now she understands and doesn't take my distance and flare-ups so personally anymore... just this morning I had been absorbed in my special interest and didn't even realize she'd fed the dogs (virtually at my feet) so I fed the dogs (very happy dogs!) again thinking she hadn't (my therapist says that's VERY autistic LOL)

Then later in the morning I bit her head off for some trivial thing... I think I'm revved today.

And I just got back from biting the head off the guy at the hardware store... why are there so many idiots in the world? See my rant wherever it is that rants go...

So hey... you're being normal. Weird experience, isn't it?

Can't say I had a crash after finding out - after all, I'd long since given up trying to be "normal" (all that had ever gotten me was a failed marriage to a pathological liar anyway), and when I abandoned normality I met my soulmate, so that had already worked out for me. Instead, it was more like, "Huh. Well, that explains a lot. Cool."

My wife has been excellent at helping me cope - she's taught me a lot about how to imitate people, she gives me a place where I can relax and not be like people, and she's helped me find a way to get along without having to work outside.

Yes, the "Ah-ha" moment. I was so elated and happy that it all clicked. The world finally made sense--it wasn't just me--I no longer felt like I had been dropped on this planet by aliens--I wasn't an unexplainable freak. Then came the realization: This would never go away. I admit, as that realization sunk in, I started to cry. All of the worst experiences in my life (usually having to deal with social situations) came flooding back. I was able to look at each one with this newfound understanding, but then also know that there will be more times like those in my future. I cried. I should be proud I'm an Aspie, but I'll work up to that.

That truth is: The world does not like that which is different. And AS is something most NTs don't understand because--let's face it--Aspies LOOK "normal." Only your behavior signals that something's "wrong" (in the NT sense), but, even then, most NTs and latent Aspies don't know what the problem is. Before I understood AS, my aunt got fed up with me being as I was, and instead of leaving well enough alone, she made me learn how to make small talk. Which is painful, I might add, but (I suppose) I was fortunate to have her. My mother doesn't care and my sister thinks I'm lying.

I now have explanations for why school is so hard (I'm in college now), but I also know that I can't use it as a crutch and hide behind it. If anything, since I also have NLD, I have to work even harder in my classes because my reading comprehension is dismal--one cannot digest thirty pages of a dense essay in two days--but I try my best to think positively. I also try not to let anxiety and paranoia and depression drag me down and if I have a meltdown, I try to pull myself back up because my homework will not finish itself. Also, I have wrongplanet. That's a big something.

That's how I see it. Also, when in doubt, check my signature.

thanks everyone for the replies. I have laughed, cried, and so many other things in-between reading them. (If you want to know more just ask!).

With everything being so new I'm still trying to figure out so much. I think the biggest struggle is that all the goals I had for the future (which changed weelky, by the way!) are now in flux as I am gaining an better understanding of who I am, who I am not, and what I am truly capable of. It's interesting, I have been going through a spiritual (NOT RELIGIOUS!) awakening over the last year, and things/discoveries tend to lead themselves into new things. It's kind of like the old proverb.. 'The teacher will appear only when the student is ready' I've done so many things, met many great people, and grown to a place where I could make this work for the better, all without any idea of it. Now that I put all the pieces togethe rit make so much sense and I am excited that I can use it to improve myself and the world I live in. Unfortunately there is still 30+ years of life, society, and everything else to reprogram and overcome!

I would love to talk more to others about their experiences, wins, losses, etc.. so please let me know if you have something to say or any thoughts to offer.

May I suggest Karen Armstrong's book Acedia and me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life for when the hard work of setting aside all that previous programming gets weary-ing. Although I'm not a Christian, I found the book very inspiring and helpful in understanding 'the noonday demon' and how to continue in spite of it. Even make it an asset, after a fashion.

My thoughts:

<-when I found out


<- present time

I love it!

These were my thoughts.....

/ / - feeling confused and weird before learning about AS/ASD/etc...

/ - obsessed with the topic for a good six months

- What if I have this?! !!

/ - There's no friggin' way....

/ - Okay... other people (shrink/therapist/psychologist) think I have it....maybe I really do

/ / - What do I do about it?

/ - Ticked off that no one noticed any of this when I was a kid......

- Wanting to hide it from others.....

- Felt pretty cool with the diagnosis once I realized that lots of people have it and that it is really not that big of a deal..... if you can learn to cope (which I have)

- Forgave the people who didn't realize there was something wrong when I was small because they didn't know about AS/ASD when I was little

- Happy that I know because now I can start to heal from some of the things in my past that have haunted me all of my life!

I was really happy when the AS specialist said that she really really thought I had it....but that eventually faded into an unending circle of doubt because it was not a real diagnosis...

Part of me was like...WOW...maybe I don't have brain damage after all!!...then part of me was like....maybe I just have brain damage and not AS.....and then there is the part that thinks maybe I have brain damage AND AS...and that is why my mental skills are so spotty....i guess stranger things have happened....

(for years before I even found out about ADD, I had a theory that attributed all my difficulties to brain damage)...like face blindness...scattered memory...etc.....

Well, it’s only been a month since I found out that I have AS (just don’t know how severe it is yet)and I’m still dealing with my thoughts and feelings about it all, and, boy, do they jump around a hell of a lot.

At first, when I the psychologist told me that they were sure I had it and wanted to refer me to the ‘experts’ to confirm it, I was pretty much like, “No! I can’t have!” even though I myself had been having ever increasing suspicions that I had some form of autism for the last year or so. I found it hard because I didn’t know anything about AS, and up until the last month or so my only exposure had been the book “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time”, and that certainly wasn’t me. I was nowhere near that bad. The colour yellow wasn’t evil! I didn’t kick or punch people when they touched me (biting the mother, however... ) I had a sense of humour! I liked reading and role-playing! I can be very articulate!...and so on.

And then I read various articles on various sites and it was as if they were describing ME, not a condition, and I think it was then that I felt relief that I had something to call what had, up until now, been simply referred to as ‘it’. It explained so much and made me feel as if I wasn’t totally losing my mind and wasn’t a complete and utter freak. There was something to explain why I’d ended up with social agoraphobia, why I found it so hard to deal with social situations and noise and bright lights and...

That lasted for a week, and now I vary between ‘I’m dreaming, must be!’, ‘I don’t want to know! Take it away!’, ‘They got it wrong!’, ‘I’m so glad I’ve found out I’ve got it!’ and ‘Finally! It all makes sense!” There’s times where all I want to do is break down and cry my heart out because, just being diagnosed with simple social agoraphobia as I had been for years prior, there was always the hope that one day I’d be ‘cured’, but having AS? Knowing that I’m always going to be this way... it’s sometimes really hard to deal with and accept, and coupled with everything else that’s happened in my life (serious-on-going-never-been-seen-before illness, sexual abused as a child), I sometimes feel like why me? Why do I have to have one more thing to deal with and make things so much harder? Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t things be simple? Why can’t I be like my friends? What did I do that was SO wrong? What future do I have?

Though being on here helps for those times when I all I want to do is cry, because I can see that there are people with AS who DO have families, relationships, jobs, successful lives, and so on. And most of all that I’m NOT alone...That really cheers me up and throws me back into the being happy that I finally have an explanation for it all (since I’ve always had it and it’s not going to suddenly disappear).

So, yeah, I’m still going through the yo-yo stage. Maybe it’ll be different in a year or so, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be more accepting of it, or, should I say, more accepting of the fact that I’ve always had, and am always going to have, it. After all, it's better to be in the ‘light’ than to be forever in the dark. I can’t change who I am.

I wrote an essay, but I've got out a lot of stuff that'd I'd been keeping in, so yay!

There are medical conditions that are frequently associated with A/AS, so maybe this Dx will help sort out the physical as well. Also, continue work in healing the emotional trauma of childhood sexual abuse may also have very positive effect on the body; it certainly did for my partner, who had multiple food sensitivities and highly reactive asthma for many years but gradually improved as her mind healed from her early abuse... now she's clear of the asthma (really) and is only unable to tolerate soy.

It's a slow process, but sooooo worth it.

Chr1s wrote:

I learned I had AS at a lot older age than you. So I was probably kicked and beaten a lot more than you as well and that just made me tougher and when I found out I had AS I became feisty as well because it just confirmed to me that I was RIGHT about MANY perspectives all along and others were WRONG. My advise is don’t get depressed but go kick them back.