I WANT OUT NOW!! !

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Hey folks...

Remember how in the past, I've stated that I'm a bit of a martyr when it comes to trying to make up for making my family angry with me? Well, yesterday, it reached an extreme it had never reached before!

you see....mom came over to my apartment after dropping me off, so she could measure my windows for curtains, while I wrote the stats down on a pad of paper. Well, all I did was put the pad down for a minute to get a can of Sprite, and when i came back, mom told me a measurement....and pointed to the notepad, as though I was a total ret*d who'd forgotten where I parked it. So all I did was say 'I see it! you don't have to point!'...and she retorted with 'Don't be difficult with me please, I get enough of that from your brother at home!'

And that was all it took...to tip my guilt and regret over the edge! I apologized profusely until she left my apartment...then I went on like the wildest tangent of bizarre behavior EVER to atone for my 'sin'. I made the blinds crooked to look like guillotine blades, I completely shaved off all my facial hair, sprayed my entire apartment with 3/4ths of a can of Febreze to get rid of the bad sensations, and when it was empty, I bought some Pledge at a quickie mart, and sprayed that in the air too, all over my apartment....now my kitchen and bathroom floors are dangerously slippery.

I even....dumped a whole half a container of vanilla ice cream in my sink and turned the hot water on it until it melted all away. I hate to waste good food, but extremes must be taken to atone, you know?

Well, that was yesterday...but today is even worse....with the exception of going out to shop by myself (taking the bus), I haven't left my bedroom at all! I can't even stand still in my living room for 3 seconds without feeling literally sick to my stomach, remembering how much I offended mom. And if she does get those curtains, some of them will inevitably go in my bedroom...and all of my freedom will be lost.

*sighs*....this isn't my apartment. Not anymore.

I'm going to contact Mr. Green next month and ask him if I can end my lease now, and move out of this apartment that now feels like a STRANGER'S home rather then my own!

I've had it with apartment life, I wanna go back to my real home!

Usagi1992

Uhh, where's your "real home", with your mom and dad?

Venting here is good. There's no down side. Next time, come here first instead of venting all over the kitchen floor.

I'm not sure I understand the whole story, and I don't remember the background. I'm just going by this one post. What do you mean by "my real home."

So, you have an apartment, I imagine by yourself, probably more to get away from the parents than anything else.

Can you send them a carefully worded e-mail? Explain that you need some time ALONE (no need to mention that it's specifically from them). Put the curtains and any other project on hold, indefinitely. You can live without curtains for a while. Your sanity is more important. Throw a sheet over the window if it's in a spot that matters.

Do you need them for any practical reasons? Can you clean the kitchen floor without them? How often do you need them to give you a ride? Can anyone else help? I give my brother-in-law rides all the time. Everyone else in his family has too much baggage and they drive each other crazy. I can help him in practical ways without being a jerk about it.

What's new?

I'm back...DAMN! My posting average is now only .92 a day! I'd better get on the hump!

But anyway, I've calmed down some and was able to kinda forgive myself for being a royal ass to my mom....I'm also seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow to discuss that incident.

I really do need to start learning how to forgive myself, eh?

Usagi1992

Sounds like OCD.

Dude, it sounds as if you are walking on egg shells.

"Heaven forbid I should exist".

A royal ass? You made one small comment in retaliation to a bit of annoyance.

Let me remind you of what you are...

You're a HUMAN BEING. You are not perfect, you make mistakes, sometimes you act irrationally in relation to your feelings. EVERYBODY on the planet does this. EVERYONE is fallible.

I doubt this incident has affected your mum as severely as it has affected you.

Give yourself a break, chill out... and yes - forgive yourself. You are ok as you are. Sometimes you snap. The thing to do is NOT beat yourself up over it, instead, forgive yourself and let it go.

That wasn't nice, the pointing and more pointing thing. Pointing too long is kind of rude, in my oppinion. I think you're feeling guilty when there is nothing for you to feel guilt about. That is what she calls difficult?

If it makes you feel better, I snapped at Mum without realising or meaning to. Ended up in tears with Mum apologising! (Luckily we got me cleaned up, because I had some pies to deliver to my Nanna )