How To Turn Off Self Loathing?

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hartzofspace
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22 Oct 2009, 4:18 pm

I have felt like crap all day yesterday, and all of today. My chronic pain and fatigue issues are in full flare, and I am full of disgust at this body that I have to keep living in. I can't even spend a day with a friend, without feeling sick for days afterward. It's so f*****g unfair! I can't even cry about, feel frozen inside, and full to brimming with self loathing for the person I have become. :(
Being an Aspie is the absolute limit, on top of everything else. Wish I could just leave this body somewhere. :x


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zen_mistress
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22 Oct 2009, 5:28 pm

((((((hartzofspace))))))) I feel quite crap myself, for similar reasons. I felt like I loved myself a few weeks ago but now I am realising what a challenge that is, it really is a lot harder to love ourselves in this state. Thank you for writing this thread though, you have reminded me of the importance of this and now I have a bit to think about.


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MudandStars
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22 Oct 2009, 8:01 pm

I don't know if this will work for you but about a year ago I started carrying a list of good things about myself around in my back pocket and reading them every so often really helped, the piece of paper is pretty worn out now but I've kinda memorized it now and have a lot less self-loathing, self-hating kind of meltdowns than I used to. Of course not everything works for everyone and that's just my experience and my 2c.

The fact I have had more people go out of their way to encourage me this past year has probably also helped and that's something an individual isn't really in control of what proportion was from the bit of paper I am not quite sure.


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OuterBoroughGirl
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22 Oct 2009, 8:10 pm

Wow, I wish I had an answer for you. I get the self-loathing, too, and it can really be debilitating. As a child, I was constantly being evaluated, and hearing about all the things that were "wrong" with me, all of the areas in which I was lagging behind my peers. My peers kindly contributed to the perception that I was different (in a bad way), and "less" than themselves by persistently tormenting me for years. I lost track of the number of times I was called that dreaded "r" word, among many, many, many other things. I had the idea from an early age that I was some lesser species of human. I like to think that I have come a long way since I was a child, but it's really not so easy to shake off those feelings of crippling inferiority, of being "wrong" as a person, and feeling like nobody respects or appreciates me, that everything I do is "wrong," and that nothing I do right is anywhere near enough to make up for all my unforgivable blunders. Often, my every blunder feels unforgivable to me. When this happens, I make a blunder, and then my functioning declines because so much of my mental energy winds up being devoted to mentally berating myself for my failures. Unsurprisingly, this leads to more blunders. This becomes a vicious cycle, and it sometimes feels virtually impossible to stop it.
I wish I had some helpful advice for you, but it's been a rough couple of days, and I've got nothing. All I can do is assure you that you're not alone, and I hope that you find some constructive solutions for yourself soon.
I wish you the best with everything.


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Boston_MA
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22 Oct 2009, 10:28 pm

Feeling Good by Dr. Burns is an effective CBT book. I'm using it and it's taken my self loathing down from 6/10 to about a 3/10. You can get a cheap used copy on evilbay



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22 Oct 2009, 10:54 pm

I usually shift my attention to my interests . . . if i can not think about what caused my depression that day, it eases the tension and i can mellow out a bit (ie go to your comfort zone). Granted, it also depends on the topic/event that triggered it and to what extent i interpreted. Not so worst case, you hit a shutdown and pray you are at home so you can recover . . . if that doesnt work, get with someone you know you can talk to, or some program you can type in, then put down every thing that happened. In other words, vent in some way, but keep it from directly insulting/targeting someone who had nothing to do with it.


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hartzofspace
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22 Oct 2009, 11:37 pm

Boston_MA wrote:
Feeling Good by Dr. Burns is an effective CBT book. I'm using it and it's taken my self loathing down from 6/10 to about a 3/10. You can get a cheap used copy on evilbay


I appreciate the book idea, but I've lots of books already. My depression is directly related to an acute flareup of pain, that has effectively robbed me of the prospect of a trip to the beach this weekend. It is especially awful, when I've been feeling pretty much alright, to wake up with crippling pain. It takes me by surprise and triggers feelings of helplessness, being a victim, and having to depend on others.


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dossa
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23 Oct 2009, 12:52 am

Pain... meh... After nine years they still do not know any more than yes, I do have slight spinal twisting and moderate to severe nerve damage, and yes, there are days I cannot get up and even manage to take a shower, much less get down my stairs. Chronic pain is difficult to deal with, especially when it is more painful than normal or hits like a sudden punch to the sternum and knocks the wind out of you. I have days where I am just fine and dandy and more than ok with dealing with the normal discomfort... Then I end up all jacked up for a few days and feel like no more than a waste of space. I know what you mean, I often wish I could leave my body someplace... I get so frustrated... But it never lasts too long. It is hard to keep positive all the time when dealing with stuff like pain and fatigue. Well wishes to you in this. I hope things become better soon.


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23 Oct 2009, 10:53 am

Boston_MA wrote:
Feeling Good by Dr. Burns is an effective CBT book. I'm using it and it's taken my self loathing down from 6/10 to about a 3/10. You can get a cheap used copy on evilbay

I'd have to second this one. It is a very good book.



hartzofspace
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23 Oct 2009, 4:12 pm

Well, I just got back from the doctor, and have a full arsenal of pain killers. :twisted: I will definitely check out that book, "Feeling Good," as soon as I am up and about. I need to rest. I wonder if being an Aspie makes me more prone to catastrophic thinking? :? But pain like this always discourages me intensely. I go from being autonomous to completely helpless and dependent upon others. And that sucks.


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Meow333
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25 Oct 2009, 5:15 am

hartzofspace wrote:
Well, I just got back from the doctor, and have a full arsenal of pain killers. :twisted: I will definitely check out that book, "Feeling Good," as soon as I am up and about. I need to rest. I wonder if being an Aspie makes me more prone to catastrophic thinking? :? But pain like this always discourages me intensely. I go from being autonomous to completely helpless and dependent upon others. And that sucks.


Painkillers will sure make you feel good. Be careful though, i got addicted to them and now i'm on suboxone to get off of them.



hartzofspace
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25 Oct 2009, 2:25 pm

Meow333 wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
Well, I just got back from the doctor, and have a full arsenal of pain killers. :twisted: I will definitely check out that book, "Feeling Good," as soon as I am up and about. I need to rest. I wonder if being an Aspie makes me more prone to catastrophic thinking? :? But pain like this always discourages me intensely. I go from being autonomous to completely helpless and dependent upon others. And that sucks.


Painkillers will sure make you feel good. Be careful though, i got addicted to them and now i'm on suboxone to get off of them.


No worries. I was on this pain killer before, after a tooth extraction. I am the odd sort of person who doesn't like feeling invaded by drugs. Sure, they feel good! But just as soon as I can get off of them, I do. With the chronic pain issues I have, I have learned that I'd rather tolerate a constant, low pain level, than be addicted to pain killers. Plus, they mess with the digestive system, and cause nightmares after prolonged use. At least that's how it is for me,anyway.


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25 Oct 2009, 2:38 pm

I wish I had a solution to this too.
I often say, there cannot be anyone in this world who can hate me as much as I do.
It just springs out of nowhere, with a torrent of rage and self directed violence.
I wonder if it is a chemical thing, or a thing that gets worse with age.
The worst part is that when I go out, I always have my music on, as I fully expect others to call me a freak, or to wish to hurt me, such is my certainty that if I can hate myself so much, others surely must too.

Only thing I know to distract me is second life, where I play a carefree child and can escape my reality.
Maybe you need to focus hard on your i interest or on creating something, crafts maybe.