Wow, I wish I had an answer for you. I get the self-loathing, too, and it can really be debilitating. As a child, I was constantly being evaluated, and hearing about all the things that were "wrong" with me, all of the areas in which I was lagging behind my peers. My peers kindly contributed to the perception that I was different (in a bad way), and "less" than themselves by persistently tormenting me for years. I lost track of the number of times I was called that dreaded "r" word, among many, many, many other things. I had the idea from an early age that I was some lesser species of human. I like to think that I have come a long way since I was a child, but it's really not so easy to shake off those feelings of crippling inferiority, of being "wrong" as a person, and feeling like nobody respects or appreciates me, that everything I do is "wrong," and that nothing I do right is anywhere near enough to make up for all my unforgivable blunders. Often, my every blunder feels unforgivable to me. When this happens, I make a blunder, and then my functioning declines because so much of my mental energy winds up being devoted to mentally berating myself for my failures. Unsurprisingly, this leads to more blunders. This becomes a vicious cycle, and it sometimes feels virtually impossible to stop it.
I wish I had some helpful advice for you, but it's been a rough couple of days, and I've got nothing. All I can do is assure you that you're not alone, and I hope that you find some constructive solutions for yourself soon.
I wish you the best with everything.
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"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad./ The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."