Being purposefully dismissive

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This is something I seriously should have gotten over by now (it happened years ago), but like everything that I don't understand, I still harp on it from time to time. Tonight would be one of those times (came up through a wrong number), so I figured maybe posting on here would get some perspective. It's not really a big deal, or really a deal at all; it's just something that I get stuck thinking about. And it's a super long background story, most of which probably isn't important, but it might be. And please forgive any spelling errors, because my brain appears to have departed this evening. Writing this out sounds completely melodramatic and nitpicky. I expect I've scared most of you away by now. That all being said...

In Ohio, they have a state wide thing for middle schoolers called Power of the Pen. It's a creative writing club/team that has three levels of competition a year (districts, regionals, and state), and the rest of the year it's just supposed to be a club. I don't know how popular it is in general, but over 300 students showed up for state competition while I was a member, so I'd bet fairly.

Our middle school club was run by a woman who had a daughter in my grade and a son somewhere in the elementary school; I don't know how old he was. She was a published author, but it had been years since she'd seriously written, and she clearly had a few screws loose. Still, she was fun and she gave good advice, and everyone liked her. I'm pretty much just going to refer to her as she or her, because writing out club leader everytime is awkward.

I joined it in 7th grade, because I enjoyed reading and writing. I tried out for the team and didn't make it. I was told it was close between another girl and I for alternate, but ultimately, she got it. I didn't go to any of the competitions that year (you don't have to be a team member or alternate to go, but what you do is run errands for the judges, so I passed), and everything was fine.

8th grade, I tried out again. After the first round (there's three), she pulled me aside to try and give me tips on how to write better, then realized I hadn't written the story she thought I had (it's done anonymously) and said nevermind. There ended up being a 4 way tie for the last spot on the team and alternate, so we did one more round. I became first alternate (we had multiple that year, for reasons that were never fully stated). Still fine.

Districts went well. As an alternate, I was allowed to write and submit, even if those scores didn't count, so I went and did just that. All three of the judges commented to our leader that I was better than the others on my team, and one of the judges went so far as to tell her that someone else should be pulled from the team so that I could be on it, which of course didn't happen (and I wouldn't expect it to; it'd be cruel to anyone else). I didn't tell anyone else; I was happy they thought I did well, but I also thought it was rude of them to suggest taking someone else off the team, and I didn't want to create any tension. Two people placed individually, and the overall team won 1st. Ride home was fine; everyone was happy.

Regionals went a little less well, I suppose. Again I went and was allowed to write, but in this level the judges won't look at alternates' papers whatsoever. So I shrugged and wrote anyway, and I turned those papers into said club leader after the day was over just to see how I did. No one placed invidually, but once again the overall team won 1st (although I don't know how that happens without individuals scoring high enough), displacing the team who had won first for six years. All of that was fine, but on the ride home, I was overwhelmed, and I just wanted to be left alone to listen to music. It was nothing personal, and it wasn't about the win (another girl who came along to all of them but wasn't an alternate was bent out of shape about it, because she felt she hadn't contributed at all); I was just tired and had been surrounded by people all day, and I needed to unwind. So after the fifth person approached me to try and get me to join in the fun, I snapped that I just wanted to be left alone for now. The girl was surprised, but it didn't appear to dim the party, and she didn't seem hurt when we talked an hour later, so I assumed it wasn't an issue.

Between regionals and state (there's about two months between them), the club leader announced that this was going to be her last year. She had run the club for 8 years, but we had a new principal, and she insisted that anyone running a club had to have a Masters in Education. Our club leader (and many others) did not, and she had to leave. We threw a party for her, complete with a cake. I put together most of the party, which she found out halfway through (I don't know how she did; I guess someone told her). No one liked the idea of her leaving, especially the 7th graders who would still have the opportunity to be in PoP the next year, but there was nothing we could do about it.

States is where the problem came in. Because it's a further drive (about four hours), we spent two days there. I considered not going to that one because it was so much further away and there was a chance I wouldn't even be allowed to write, but ultimately she asked me to if only to "babysit" another girl who was pretty wild (we balanced each other out and somehow we were friends for a few years), so I went. The first day was fine, at least in terms of interaction between people. Everyone checked in on time, we met other teams, etc. One of the other alternates got sick that night and had to go home. I was feeling a bit sick as well, so I walked outside for a bit with another girl (we weren't all girls, but the majority were), told the leader that I wasn't feeling well, got some medication at a nearby store, and everything was fine after that. The next morning (day of competition), two more people were sick, both of whom were on the team. Both of them opted to drop out, so another alternate and I went in their places. Because I was so last minute, she had to give me a run down of how to get to the buildings (it was held on a campus, and each session was in a different building). She actually gave me false information, but someone from another team was going to the same building and showed me how to work the map.

The first half of the day was writing. The only interaction I had with anyone from our school was in the second round, when our leader was supposed to be judging the group I was in. For obvious reasons, that's a conflict of interest, but each judge (there's three for each group) had to sit out a round anyway, so she simply sat out of that one. No apparent problem. After the sessions, all of the students went to lunch, and then we went swimming for a while before she joined us. After a little bit more time (judges had to tally up their scores, and then it had to be sent and checked by another group just to be sure), we went to a central meeting area. There, they announced the top 54 of each grade (individual, not by teams); those 54 would then go on to a 4th round, and the overall top 15 would be chosen from that group, based on those scores. No one from our school had ever been in the top 54, much less been top 15. But I was called as one of the top 54. I didn't really believe it when they called me; they practically had to shove me out to join that group. When I left, everyone seemed happy and surprised. No one else from our school was called.

Did the power round, no problem. When you're part of the final round, you can't see go to your team from the moment your name is read until the moment the ceremony is done. I don't know why, but that's how they work it; everyone's kept apart. On stage with the other 53, we were trying to find and point out our teams in the audience, just to show each other. When I pointed towards mine (and I could see clearly enough to know it was them), they jumped up and down and screamed. When they awarded the top 15, I placed 14th; when I went to get it, I could hear them screaming again. Another girl from our school got an award (you could get certain ones without being in the final round), and the same thing happened: screams. Good screams, not screams of pain and horror.

After the ceremony, the other girl who won an award came up and we talked; we were both excited and both congratulated the other and whatnot. They had to take pictures of the winning groups (to this day, I have no idea why, because those pictures are never published anywhere, not even on their site or in the annual book detailing the competition), and I finished before she did, so I went down to see the rest of the group.

And they ignored me. Didn't even acknowledge me.

When the other girl came down after her pictures, they hugged and congratulated her. I thought it was odd and was kind of hurt, but I'm not much of a hugging person, so I figured they were just trying to respect me, especially since I was overwhelmed at regionals.

Half an hour later, someone finally talked to me; she wanted to see the award, which I showed her. It was "cool" and that was it for another hour.

We went home the same night, and I sat where I had before, which is where everyone had sat. About half of the others were all ready seated when I sat down, and all of them got up and moved to the other end of the bus. Again, odd and now I'm confused, but we had to stop for food in about half an hour, so I let it slide. At the fast food place, the other girl who had won talked with me; everyone else still ignored. Getting back on the bus, the same thing happened again; everyone moved away from me. Two times someone walked back to see me; once, it was to ask my scores ("Those are worse than we thought!") and the second time to tell me that it was a shame that the other alternate went home sick, because she would have competed instead. That was it for the entire night. The other winning girl was not ignored.

I felt pretty awful by the time I got home. I had been happy and excited to win at first, but by the end of the bus ride, I was ashamed to have won and wished I hadn't. I never thought it made me better than anyone or tried to rub it in (in fact, I didn't even acknowledge it, since it seemed to cause so much trouble), but it seemed to me that I had offended them. But just in general, I didn't like myself, I never felt good enough, so it was very rare that I was proud of something I had done; it was really the first time I could think of where I really was proud of myself, at least at first.

The next day at school, everyone treated me normally. It was like the whole trip had never happened. I noted with some amusement that an article had been printed in the paper about how well the club was doing in general and the last half was about my win; none of the others pointed it out (in fact, I only found out about it at all because they were running another article on the next page about a girl in the club; it wasn't about her involvement in the club, but it was her. She brought in the paper and was showing it off), but the club leader had been quoted as saying it was like I had run the Kentucky Derby twice, which was a completely absurd statement. When she realized I had it, she had me highlight a couple of sentences that she found amusing (her statement was not one of them) and write what she thought about it next to them.

A month later, we had school awards, which are given out every year, and everyone gets something; it's just how they work. Each club has their own division, and I got one of the two best writer ones. As I was up there, the club leader announced I had placed in states, because the principal skipped over it (she had announced everyone who placed in any of the competitions but me).

Later that night, she called me to let me know it wasn't a thank-you-for-getting-us-recognition-at-states. I knew it was just that, but I pretended to agree anyway. She rattled on for a few minutes about how much I had improved and how I had knocked out another girl for that, but don't tell her that, etc, etc.

And then she tells me that she's sorry. I don't know what for, and I tell her that. She's sorry because she told all of the others in the club to ignore me once I won at states and to be dismissive if they actually did have to speak to me. She "wanted to test" me.

I didn't ask what exactly I was being tested for or whether or not I had passed the test (I really wish I'd asked the latter). I was too surprised to really react. I've only seen her twice since then (once when working on a school project with her daughter, and once at the store). She hasn't acknowledged it.

Which brings me to my question. What in the world do you test a 13 year old about in a situation like that? And furthermore, why? I can't make any sense of it whatsoever. She was the only one who had appeared to at least accept me; she told the school when the principal forgot, she gave me that second aware, she talked about the article, she was quoted in the article praising me. So why tell all of my peers to dismiss me? What does that even test for?

It still bothers me to this day, and I'm still ashamed to have won. The award is at my parents' house, because my mother wouldn't let me get rid of it, but I hid it face down in a corner years ago, and I would have thrown it out if she let me. Actually, I'm worried about posting this in case one of the team members recognizes me, which is both extremely unlikely (I doubt any of them were anywhere near the spectrum) and foolish (because it wouldn't matter if they did). It's completely pointless and overdramatic, but I still think about it (occasionally, not too often), so... I don't know. I really don't expect anything useful to come out of posting this, but maybe something will.

I THINK she was trying to see how you handled being a "winner" after waiting so long in the wings while others had the spotlight. You know, whether your ego would overtake your love of writing or something. Failing the "test" would have been you, on the bus or something, having enough of being ignored and screaming "God dammit, I WON! Not that other girl, ME! I did better than ANY of you and you think you can just IGNORE ME? SCREW YOU ALL!" Where passing would be, well, pretty much what you did anyways.

Whether that was it, or some other obscure reason I can't think of, she really did you a disservice. You won. You earned a little bit of spotlight time. This is the thing you were good at, cared about, and wanted to succeed in. And the other girls WANTED to give you your moment in the sun, and she wouldn't let them. All because she thinks she's some wise old lady giving you a secret test of character to show you the true meaning of art of some crap. f**k her. You won. Nobody can ever take that away from you. I hope you're still writing, if only for yourself. There aren't enough creative aspies in the world, we could use one more.

We (those with AS) are very good at this behavior, aren't we? I have a collection of these too!



Okay, hold it a second here. If you can tell, through the "social blinders" of AS, that she is a few cards short of a full deck, then she was REALLY screwy. You now have an Official Reason to not feel bad or mystified about any behaviors originating from her or her machinations! You have plenty of these "haunting" memories to re-hash and feel bad about in life, but you do not have to feel bad about this one. Remember that as you read the rest of this.



She's loopier than fruit loops! She's cuckoo for cocoa puffs! But if it helps, she (as a professional writer) may have seen something of herself in you and wanted to see if it extended to humility or conflict management (or similar). She was likely testing to see if there was a emotional (or other) similarity beyond the writing similarity. Also, she may have experienced something like this when she was younger and a parent or teacher taught her some "valuable" lesson about humility (which backfired when you didn't come off the stage yelling and whooping). Perhaps she wanted to impart this "lesson" to you in her own misguided way.

So quit feeling bad about this one. You are officially forgiven. The next time you visit your mom and go through the hugs and hellos, go alone and look at the award. Just take it out and allow yourself to really, honestly look at it. Let your hands run over it and process the tactile sensations of it. Disassociate these unfairly bad memories from it, and do something you've never done before; allow yourself to appreciate it. To accept that you earned it in a fair competition while being judged by the same standards everyone else was judged by and that this is actually something you can attach a good feeling to.

Interesting breakfast references, lol...

You were 13.. what was she trying to achieve? Teachers and caregivers are supposed to be building the self-esteem of school students, not "testing" it. I wouldnt even do that to an adult... I think this situation is more of a reflection of this woman's behaviour than on you.

I think what probably happened is that she decided you were overconfident or something. It happens to a lot of aspies. Unfortunately they dont understand that that is just how we appear... they misread our body language and misinterpret the stuff we say and can come to some pretty incorrect conclusions. Ive had similar stuff done to me anyway, when I have been amongst groups of people.

Thank you for posting your story.

One thing I am certain of is that the teacher was not testing you. To be blunt, she was being extremely nasty, and unprofessionally and irrationally so. What you suffered was an injustice, and you are wasting your time trying to understand now the perpetrator's motives (jealousy?).

What is helpful to understand is that everyone suffers some injustices from time to time. Few are as traumatic as yours, but they are injustices just the same. When my children were growing up, each had to deal a time or two with something that was really unfair and, of course, they were very upset. Each time I sat them down and told them how much I understood that what happened was unfair and unjust and not their fault. This alone seemed to comfort them. I then explained that everyone suffers injustices during their lives, and that they needed to accept this and learn how to deal it and move on. I also pointed out that they might sometimes benefit from decisions/actions that are unfair, but to their advantage.

In any case, you obviously deserved your award, and you deserved to be proud of it, and I am so sorry that you were made to regret winning it.

You will always remember this incident, but maybe you can now consider it as a tool that taught you how to deal with the next injustice that comes along.