Feeling depressed (just a rant..)

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Disclaimer: I know that I have some major self-esteem issues and messed up thought patterns and there's not really much anyone can say to help me so I'm not exactly looking for advice here, I just wanted to write about this.

I've been feeling depressed the past few days. I feel like I have a ton of things that I need to do and it is overwhelming and makes me want to hide and do nothing. In addition, I feel like I can't do anything right.

I have a lot of things to do at work that I could fully handle if I pushed myself more and stepped it up. But instead I take it easy and do the important things and the lesser things just sit there. I used to push myself very hard and get everything done quickly and always look for more to do because I wanted to be busy all the time. I've become much too self-indulgent, I think. Even now I write this instead of pushing myself to get more work done. And yet, even though it is my choice to take things a bit slower, I still feel incredible guilt that I don't finish everything. When I feel guilt or feel like I've done something wrong, I get a sharp feeling of pain and think about how I would like to kill myself. It's just an instant thing like a bolt of lighting - "I didn't finish my work today *pain* I want to die"

I am a generally clean person but I have also been getting more lax in this area of my life as well. There are clothes on the floor of my room that I need to pick up and general clutter on my desk and food plates on the floor (placed there for the dog to lick and left) that I can't put away because I have to empty the dishwasher first, and hair on the floor because I need to vacuum and I can't vacuum because I need to buy a new belt for the vacuum and I don't even know what kind it takes and the bathroom is dirty... and I see all these things when I walk around my houseand I feel the same way as mentioned above. I feel that I am a terrible person, I have all these things to do and I don't do them. It is a vicious cycle that repeats itself. I feel guilty. The guiltier I feel the less I feel like cleaning. The longer I go without cleaning, the guiltier I feel and the more I wish I was dead.

I have a lot of plans for the future that require me to entirely uproot my life and those things are looming ever closer and I should be preparing for them and I haven't yet. Just the fact that I have to do them causes me anxiety. But the fact that I haven't yet started to prepare and I have to do them in a few months makes me feel guilty and worthless and suicidal.

Anytime anyone has a problem with me, I feel guilty that I did something wrong. I got banned from a forum earlier this week for an extremely ret*d reason that I don't think is legitimate. But I still feel guilty that I did something wrong. Guilt -> worthless -> want to die.

My boyfriend feels overwhelmed about things he has to do and I love him so I want to help him. So I help him with his big project and do about .. oh.. 60% of it? But I didn't do the whole thing and he had to still worry about it and do some of it so I feel guilty. I should be able to help him when he needs me. It doesn't matter that he thanks me and tells me that I did so good in helping him at all. I feel guilty for not being able to finish. Guilt -> worthless -> want to die.

I read books about cognitive therapy and I know that my feelings of self-worth should not be dependant on these things. I was doing so good for a while and now it seems like I've slipped right back into my old thought patterns.

Bottom line is that I just have to forecefully pick myself up and do all the things that I need to do. I just don't want to because I feel so bad.. and repeat...

*edit* I am kind of wondering now how much of this is seasonal. I seem much happier and better able to handle things in the summer time when it is warm and sunny and more prone to depression in the winter... just a thought.. I think there's more going on here than that but I was so happy and good at keeping up on things during the summer....

I'm like that too; it makes it really hard to move on from the incident. I tend to blame myself for everything and feel bad when I dislike someone. I've done some cognitive therapy too but I feel like I'm at a plateau. So yeah, I can't offer advice, but I hope we both get through this bad time soon...

I go through things like that, and with school drawing to a close, it could be more frequent with me.

You know, I'm re-reading this now and I completely feel like I have said many of these exact same things before. So it probably is just a phase.

I'll get through it. I'm tough


It's really quite amusing how I can tell the people I care about: "Don't worry what they think, they don't matter, you're a good person" but not be able to apply the same philosophy to myself. If someone thinks something bad about me, it must be true.

Wierd. I didn't used to care what people thought about me at all.

I have very similar cycles. It's almost like my brain just can't handle anything anymore until it recharges. When you add stressful things, even good stress, it takes even longer to 'bounce back'. The good stress stuff is almost harder to deal with because you think, hey, I'm really happy, here, and this is a good thing, I should feel far more motivated than I do.

If you think it is possibly seasonal at all, try taking some extra Vitamin D. It has huge boosting effects for me. L-Tyrosine has made a real difference for me, too, as far as having a balancing effect on my energy and OCD. Good luck, chickie.

Thanks! I'll make a list of things to pick up and add those to it

I'm actually feeling much better than when I wrote this.

I am also very disorganized. I am doing my post doctorate research, and while I can focus on intellectual tasks, it is hard to get my act together when it comes to typing it up since this work is too mechanical and my mind moves forward to further research prospects. My room is also very messy and disorganized with things lying around on the floor, like you described. I kept postponning getting myself a landline and/or a webcam to talk to my girlfriend after I moved to India from USA, and she ended up breaking up with me over it. This kinds of things -- specifically when related to completion of projects -- make me depressed too. I don't get suicidal but I fit everything else you described. By the way my writing style is also similar to yours. Could that be something to do with the way brian processes things?