My Outlook, My Life... first post!!

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I was diagnosed with AS about 8 years ago. I didn't know what was different about me then just that I was different. I was in 6th grade at the time and was being bullied and taunted every single day. I felt like a moron not being able to talk back, and just take the insults.

As life went on, I carried myself onto high school and that wasn't so bad. Freshman year was my adjustment year as I like to see it, and the remaining three year were pretty good to me. Went to parties, Had some girlfriends, most people in my grade knew and talked to me. I really couldn't complain.

Then I graduated, and my parents INSISTED on college. So, I went for two semesters, then I realized this was not something I wanted to do anymore (didnt feel right, my gut feeling was telling me this isnt what life is about) so I dropped out. After I dropped out I realized one of the reasons I felt so uncomfortable in college was I was scared of EVERYONE. All the people looked like they were having a good ole time, and like middle school and freshman year of high school, I felt alone and left out.

I had always known I thought different, so detached from society I am able to see the faults and paradoxs of it. I know I dont fit in, and that's all right, you can leave me out. But I guess I can really thank the people for beating me up and bullying me, because they showed me at a young age how cruel the world is. So I had to "adjust, tweak, and modify" my personality acordingly.

After that, I rarely let my feelings be vunlerable. for fear of getting hurt/bullied. And honestly I am not a bad looking guy not to be cocky. But because I look normal, people EXPECT me to have lady killer confidence. But the truth is most of the conversations I have I am terrified I will say or do something not "approved" by society.

But recently, I tried pot, and it helped. helped with the exhaustion of trying to "read" peoples emotions all day long, helps put everything in perspective and its better than being on those damn pills they prescribe me.

I know I have a purpose, the trouble is trying to stick around long enough to find out what that is. I am currently not depressed, but its always a battle, day in day out. Currently I dont want to die, but I can't speak for tomorrow. and that's what gets me, knowing everyday I will have to battle with this everyday, and that gets me down.

I can't really talk to anyone "normal" about it, because they will act as if they have lived through it and give me the advice that worked for them. I am different, and I don't think anyone will ever truly understand me, and that scares me. So I guess what I wanted to say is that I appreciate that there is a group with people who understand what its like, thank you.

You're welcome and if any of us is ever down emotionally, then come console us too!

You will feel much better for having helped - it will take your mind off your own issues.

I feel that way too. I talk to my NT friends about my problems, but I feel like they're not really understanding it all. Luckily there's a lot of people out there who aren't normal, whether they're aspies or not. I'm sure most of us here can relate to some parts of your story.

Welcome to WP drunken13astard,

Here’s a little food for thought. You have been in the school environment for a huge percentage of your memorable life experience. It’s like judging performance based on how well you performed while gathering academic and social building blocks, at the same time, in one of the toughest competitive peer environments there is, with a disability. Sorry for the way to long sentence, got a few disabilities of my own.

When I was your age, I thought I would become a cook or something. That was after 12 years of special education that paid absolutely no attention to any of my strengths. I had never had a relationship, had horrible self image, ect, ect, ect. Time warp.

Today, I got confirmation that an 8 million dollar issue was resolved. I was the one that made it happen. If I had not done some very assertive things, care givers in 4 residential centers for persons with Cerebral Palsy may not be able to feed patients and staff their facilities. I’m not using this as an example to brag. I just want to point out the contrast to what I was expecting at your age.

I got lucky and stumbled across a hobby that turned into a decent career. Video games > computers > some vocational school > tech support > EDI analyst. On paper, I’m not qualified for the job I have. I got in because there was a government delaine. It turned out that the special ed kid found the kind of stuff he was good at. My attention to detail and analytical ability stood out and I got wicked good at my job. My brain never stops, it’s single focused, and I just analyze the fek outa everything. That’s just how I’ve always been. Not being able to see images in my head, causing spelling errors was no longer a barrier with Microsoft Word and spell check. I ended up being the guy that figures out the stuff other people can’t. It’s a frequent confidence booster.

My main message is… Your current base for self reflection and understanding is based on the toughest part of your life. You as a person is still a work in progress. The really cool thing is that you know you were born a little different. That gives you the freedom to just be yourself. I spent 31 years trying to be like everyone else. Measuring myself up to others. Usually comparing against my weaknesses, not my strengths. Over the past year, I’ve been able to let that go. It feels fn amazing.

Sorry for the long post. You’re gonna do fine.

Josh

Welcome friend.

My parents also pushed me into college right after HS for two years. It was torture. I didn't like it and ended up doing very poorly in the last part of it. I just found out what AS is in the last year or so though. It has made me feel a little better, but still not the best. Knowing I have to fight this feeling all the time. I was and still am pretty much petrified around all people growing up and never spoke to anyone. I am Terrified of sending messages even on Facebook/Myspace. I am also very terrified of saying or doing something that people will find offensive or worse if there is a worse all the time. I recently learned that I seem to have thrown myself into an addiction of online games as well. I am getting better at controlling that now though. Trying to get a job, but its a challenge to apply or call. I have tried telling some people that I may have AS and so far none seem to believe me. Not even my mother.

I have good days and bad days. Been having a few bad ones lately. Told this girl I love her. I fear I already know the answer is no though. I don't feel like I am good enough for anyone's life. I don't know for sure though.

Ever need a friend to talk to. I could always use another one. I only have 1 or 2 people that ever seem to talk to me online anymore.

Got a new username folks, something alittle more uplifting lol.

Thank you all for your replies, the fact that I can talk to and get some support really means alot to me.

J0sh, your right I am just judging my life off of my performance with my peers, for instance I can't get a grl my age to give me the time of day, but for some reason older women love me. It just shows, just because your not good interactiong with one group of people doesn't mean it for another.

Deadfire, glad I'm not the only one who felt that way about college. At first I was so terrified I would have to sit in the back, just because I would get nervous the people behind me were looking at me. I think I am over that though, you have to remember life is a game and even if you don't meet your expections at something, DON'T give up. You have the power to accomplish anything man, and I personally refuse to let AS hold me back any longer.

I know I have talents, but sometimes the only thing I tend to focus on are my social interactions, which usually don't end so well, but I tell myself I am getting better at it.

Life will keep my down, but I refuse to stay down, I don't have many friends most of them screwed me over, I hate relationships, all my ex-gf's have screwed me, my teachers all hated me, but you know what? I could care less, I just want to play my music and succed at what I love doing. So who cares if I'm not popular, atleast I have dreams and I wont let a silly thing like AS or people for that matter get in the way of them.

Rock on man!