Can't Live with Myself Anymore

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Please, I need some assistance. I've been having some OCD problems over the course of this past month, and they keep getting worse and worse. I've always had OCD, but it only recently has escalated to rendering me emotionally ill for this long. I feel like this past month has been the worst month in my life, and it's all my fault. Everything wrong that has happened to me has come from inside myself. My OCD is causing me to feel like i need to think about specific pleasant thoughts while doing specific things, instead of thinking about thoughts that disturb me. Naturally, I'm going to think about what I shouldn't be thinking about, and I feel like somehow I will face consequences later in life for not thinking the way I should during that instance. This causes me to feel the need to reset, and do that action again. This time, I'm supposed to do it right. This never works, and becomes an infinite loop. Each extra time I repeat, the frustration and feelings of being threatened increases. Last night I knew things were getting too bad when I found myself hitting myself in the head to stop myself. I ended up having a migraine for hours, that left me feeling awkward this morning. I did this to teach myself on an instinctual level to stop. It only helped for a few minutes, and now, 1 day later, I'm back in the same situation. To add to this, my perfectionism and need for consistency in my hobbies is causing me to get frustrated. I don't know what to do and I can't live any longer like this. I can't see a doctor because if my mom knew something was wrong, she'd use it later against me to make me feel inferior. Please, I need some assistance badly, I can't take this any longer.

I really don't know if these suggestions will help, but here they are anyway:

I read in a book about someone doing a sort of reset on themselves by making themselves recite all the lyrics to a song before going back to what they were doing. It disrupts anxiety-related thought processes a bit.

I've tried the same thing, except I went ahead and sang the song, and I picked ones that are fast-paced and have complex lyrics, so that it takes concentration and deep breathing.

Warm milk might take the edge off at times.

Carbo-loading might also take the edge off. A big helping of mashed potatoes or pasta or bread or rice. I've heard good things about this from quite a lot of people and it's worked for me.

I haven't tried it, but chamomile tea might also help take the edge off a bit.

I had OCD but it apparently went into remission. I did excessive hand washing and checking things over and over. I got on an OCD medication and it broke the infinite loop I was in. One day, I just forgot to do my rituals and broke the loop. Once I was able to finally break my loop, I never needed the medication again.

I know it sucks, I hope you can get help.

I have severe OCD myself (diagnosed) , and it really can totally, 100% mess up your life.
My OCD has never been the usual hand washing, but rather repetitive negative thoughts, an obsession with having labels facing a certain way, my clothes having to hang with the sleeves lined up a certain way, things having to be in exactly the right place etc, it takes me so long somedays to do the simplest of tasks because of this. For me, it is related to stress. The more stressed I am, the more my OCD flares up.

At it's worst, my obsessions were consuming up to 3 hours of my evening and causing me severe suicidal tendencies.

The only way I found to break it was to force myself to not engage in the obsessions, and to find that nothing bad happened as a result.
With me, it is down to my weight. I have an insane thinking that if I stop engaging in my obsessions, I will get fatter/heavier, or break furniture etc.
Unfortunately, since weight varies slightly everyday anyway, it is a bit of a nightmare.

Don't worry about OCD... the only solution to that I can think of is... just think only of the happier things in life and hopefully you can enjoy life one step at a time yeah.

Graelwyn, you can get around letting the daily weight fluctuations bother you by using a moving average to separate out the real changes from normal fluctuation: http://www.fourmilab.ch/hackdiet/www/su ... 0000000000

Thanks HH.
Might help, I know it is kinda foolish to check my weight on an almost daily basis but it has long been something I slip in and out of obsessing over.