My first meltdown in more than a year

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Alright, let's build up the situation here....

I have been failing english classes left and right since entering high school, mainly because I just flat out don't do the work. It just feels so useless, takes so long, and I learn nothing that it doesn't seem worth doing at all. Even when I do have the urge to pass, I have yet to meet an English teacher who is organized at all! Would it kill one of them to write the days of the week up on the board, and show what's due when?

So anyways, I'm a senior in high school, and I failed the first semester of English so I'm having to take it over through an online course the school offers during this semester. I had to attend a MANDATORY meeting with my Mom there as well.

I remembered when I woke up, wrote it on my hand around 8AM, and went along my way.

Halfway home on the bus, I realize that I was supposed to stay and attend the meeting. So there I am freaking out (internally), so I borrow my friend's cell phone and call my dad, who says my mom is already up there, so he picks me up and drives me up there. The meeting is just ending as I arrive. A friend who attended said, however, that it was okay that I wasn't there since my mom was. I went in and talked to the people to make sure, and they told me she had left not less than a minute or two since I had arrived.

So anyways, on the way home, my mom calls my dad's cellphone and sounds truely pissed. I walk in the door expecting a fight, so I drop my stuff off and expect her to begin the verbal assault...

Nothing!...although her tone told me she was holding back. She goes over the things I missed at the meeting and begins to walk away when I begin to explain to her what happened.

Mistake! (still don't know why )

Thus began an arguement, which began and ended rather quickly. I must admit I was pissed after this, and about to snap. A few minutes later, she asked wondered why I couldn't remember, and why other things, and I told her about the conversation I had with her about AS. As I talked about it she sounded normal...but then at some point in the conversation her tone changes back to an angry one without warning. I try to ask her what I had said to do that, because at this point I need emotional support, not anger, AND EVEN NOW SHE REFUSES TO ANSWER.

So of course, I lost it, and closed in on her quick (she's smaller than me) and just started screaming as hard and loud as I could into her face, pretty much breaking down to crying halfway through. My throat has NEVER felt so much pain. (Also note this was the first time I had cried in about 2 years)

In summary, my mom refuses to look into diagnosis or anything like that because we have no health insurance and we aren't made of money. The end.

I think your Mom may be frustrated because she doesn't have the time or money to help you. So she focuses on the negative and thinks that browbeating you will "snap you out of it." Her refusal to listen when you attempt to explain your actions is a by-product of that frustration.

In my case, my parents had money and good insurance (Blue Cross/Blue Shield). The problem was that it was the 1970s and there wasn't a lot known about ADD, plus AS was known only to a few pioneering researchers. There were no MRI's, CAT's or any sophisticated neurological scans available. I had an EEG done but the results were inconclusive. Also, I was stubborn and very immature. But I thought the world was against me, so I had no motivation to really change.

You sound like you want to change. I think it's wonderful that you haven't had a meltdown in more than a year. That shows tremendous growth and self control.

Could your Dad act as a mediator between you and your Mom? I hope he explained to her why you were late to the meeting and that you made a good faith effort to be there.

Hang in there and keep posting, please!

Dad is out of the question. He means well, but he's completely unintelligent and has no emotional involvement with any of us (the kids.)

Not having a meltdown really isn't self control, but manipulating situations to push them back.

That reminds of myself in high school, except I never had a problem with English classes, just every other class I ever took.

As far as the other bit about your mom goes, I can kind of feel where you're coming from, since my mother is extremely emotional and I am not, unless I get really upset, and then I am the most emotional person in the room. The school thing was a really hard subject in my house, since neither of my parents have college degrees (my father has done well for himself, but still) and they want all of us kids to succeed.

Around my 8th birthday, my mom says I just started acting like I was possessed, and that's when all the trouble with school started, too. I think, though, that your mother really does love you, she just doesn't know how to help you---I couldn't explain what was going on, and the myriad of doctors really couldn't do anything because I would just sit there and read, sometimes answering questions but usually not. This was before AS was widely known, and my mother got about seven different answers. This frustrated her because all she wanted to do was help me, and it seemed as if I wasn't even trying help her understand or help myself.

The problem, though, was not that I wasn't trying, but that I didn't know how. (And you are trying, so A+ for effort.) Plus, we communicate differently. She is a touchy-feely, need-to-talk-about-it extrovert and I am a touch-me-and-die, prefer-to-write-about-it introvert. We were destined to collide. There were meltdowns of epic proportions in intermediate and high school over grades and cutting class to sit in the library, so I think that you are AWESOME for not having one for so long.

I don't know your mother, so maybe she's different, but I think she is just really frustrated. (Love brings out some strange emotions, eh?) I learned from my dad that sometimes initiating a peace offering kind of smooths things over...maybe make dinner or write her a letter explaining how you feel (but do NOT say what you think she did wrong.) And sometimes, some words just act as emotional triggers, so something you said unintentionally caused her to kind of snap as well.

I learned a few days ago that my mother LOVES to hear people say "I love you," something I don't understand and have done only three or four times in my life. Maybe your mom just wants to hear that, too?

But keep trying.