My routine has been upended.

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Nanobitten
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09 Dec 2009, 7:00 pm

My routine has recently been completely thrown. I'm 17, and I just found out that the man who I knew as Dad is not my Dad. And I only have one sister now, rather than the two and one brother I thought I had. The man my Mom is dating is my real Dad, and the man I thought was my Dad is trying to blackmail money from my Mom. My Mom and former Dad split up 6 months ago, and everything I knew is gone, everything I thought was a lie. I feel lost. I am suffering severe depression and do not trust a word anyone is saying to me anymore. What can I do?

I am getting more and more flustered and frustrated with life and I am ever more offensive towards those who are both undeserving of it and closest to me.



emc2
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09 Dec 2009, 7:06 pm

Something that helps whenever there are big changes in my life, is to focus on MY own routine.

If you can come up with your own routine of things you like to do each day, then that will help you process these huge changes in who is who. You probably might want to be by yourself more too.

Any human would be freaking out at that though.



Nanobitten
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09 Dec 2009, 7:19 pm

I am usually content to sit in my room and watch movies or use the internet, but this change is stopping me eating and sleeping even more than I used to. I can't think of anything else.

My whole world is different, my family has lied to me until now and I can't forgive them entirely. I just. I am very confused.



Aimless
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09 Dec 2009, 9:23 pm

I think family is more based on relationship than DNA. I would consider your other sister and brother still your siblings if that is what the relationship has always been. My oldest brother is a half brother but he is 9 years older and has always been there. His biological father was never a part of his life. On the other hand, when my mother remarried after my father died I could only think of him as the nice guy that married my mother rather than as a stepfather because I was already an adult and on my own when they married. It's only natural that you feel betrayed but they probably made that choice not to tell you because they believed they were protecting you. It's a lot to process. I agree that you can establish some personal routines to keep your sense of continuity going. It sounds like your whole family is under a lot of pressure.


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09 Dec 2009, 9:47 pm

You can still view them as family. Even though he isn't your real dad, you can still view him as one because he is like a real dad to you.



chaotik_lord
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09 Dec 2009, 10:41 pm

Yes, as an adoptee, I would agree your real family is based on the ones that sacrificed and loved and were there. Even if it seems your father (the one who raised you, not the biological one) is acting poorly, he'd still your dad. It's probably very difficult and conflicting for him, not only as a dad but as a father. The man who could claim you but didn't raise you is essentially usurping everything he was. While it is unfair for him to act in such a manner, he is human and imperfect . . . please forgive him, for he was there for all the years. Some expect parents to act only in the interest of children, but my therapist (until I moved) assured me (as a former stepparent) that those relationships must always be healthy first. So while its lousy you are suffering, it is as it should be. Most will tell you "children first," but its a state of denial.

I agree, embrace your personal routine. And address your needs to the authority figures in the family structures. Sometimes awareness is all that's needed. Good luck. If you have additional queries, message me. I have multiple perspectives and think I could help.



emc2
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10 Dec 2009, 4:39 am

Nanobitten wrote:
I am usually content to sit in my room and watch movies or use the internet, but this change is stopping me eating and sleeping even more than I used to. I can't think of anything else.

My whole world is different, my family has lied to me until now and I can't forgive them entirely. I just. I am very confused.


Anyone would be confused and lost. It would be kind of like a grief process, and hurt that you've been lied to.

Try and snack or drink smoothies and whatever you can eat. Try and nap. Try going for a walk.

Just concentrate on the eating and sleeping, maybe take a multi vitamin. This will help your brain process what is going on in the long term.

You might need some medication, but if you're having trouble sleeping, try some natural things like eating certain foods, like milk, bananas, turkey, carbs for dinner, try magnesium, valerian, see if that helps you sleep.

I imagine you would feel quite angry and sad all at once.