Emotional Constipation

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I've had depression for about 8 years, but I don't believe any of the low serotonin/chemical imbalance stuff is true about me because there's always been a specific reason or reasons for my depression. The most notable being my inability to ever get into a romantic relationship, a struggle that continues to this very day. As a teenager the frustration caused by my inability to get a girlfriend manifested itself in outbursts and emotional volatility, but over time it's been pushed further away from the forefront of my mind to the point that it manifests itself instead as emotional shackles and cynicism.

People ask me what I do for fun/in my spare time and I struggle to give them an answer because the truth is I don't really do much of anything, except watch videos, and search the internet for information on subjects that interest me. I don't even really want to do any more than that at this stage, and the thought of integrating with others who share some hobbies and interests doesn't fill me with much excitement. I just don't really feel much of an inclination to try and expand my friendship circle or even hang out with my existing friends, or do activities or really anything, because the emotional constipation I'm experiencing from 8 years of having the same unresolved problem of never being able to have a girlfriend hampers my capacity to enjoy almost everything. It's something that has been really important to me for a long time, and being a long-term unresolved issue, it's eating away at me.

You might think to suggest therapy/psychological treatment but it doesn't work because my problem doesn't originate from my mind, it originates out here in the world. Sure, it affects me mentally and emotionally, but so would the loss of a loved one, the loss of financial stability, being maimed or a plethora of other potential problems that do not originate in the mind. Why would not being able to get a girlfriend be any different?

Anyway, my criticism of the psychology industry aside, I'm not really sure where to go from here. The only possible solution I see is getting into a relationship, but the set precedent so far would indicate that that's probably not going to happen anytime soon. I'm trying to improve upon diet and exercise, looking for ways to make extra income, and just generally trying to improve my standing in life, but it's still difficult to enjoy where I'm at right now.

I'm not sure that any applicable advice exists for my situation, but I thought I'd share and see what wrongplanet has to say about it.

"I don't really do much of anything...I don't even really want to do any more than that at this stage...I just don't really feel much of an inclination to try..."

So you're unmotivated.

"You might think to suggest therapy/psychological treatment but it doesn't work because my problem doesn't originate from my mind, it originates out here in the world. Sure, it affects me mentally and emotionally, but so would...a plethora of other potential problems that do not originate in the mind."

Of course it originates in your mind! All of the negative, self-defeating self talk, the egocentric "I/me/mine" locus, the self pity, the emotional neediness all arise in your mind.
This is actually good news; you can change your mind, your thinking, and your outlook.
If your problems really were external to yourself, then you'd be well and truly f****d. You cannot change the rest of the world; you can only change yourself.

"The only possible solution I see is getting into a relationship...that's probably not going to happen anytime soon."

No; with your current thinking, it's not. Even if it did, you would very quickly discover that "getting a girlfriend" is not the solution, and will not resolve all (or any) of your issues. That's also a good thing; at your current level of thinking, self-defeatism, egocentrism, and unreasonable expectations, were anyone to become emotionally close to you, they would in all probability get deeply hurt. Such a kind and caring person doesn't deserve that.

"I'm trying to improve upon diet and exercise, looking for ways to make extra income, and just generally trying to improve my standing in life..."

Good; keep doing things like that, and enjoy, even celebrate, your successes. If you're going to spend time on the Internet, try to start spending at least some of it learning how to control your mind, instead of passively allowing it to control you. Your mind can be a wonderful servant, or a terrible master. It's entirely up to you.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

As it relates to socializing and hobbies, yeah, but not everything.
"You might think to suggest therapy/psychological treatment but it doesn't work because my problem doesn't originate from my mind, it originates out here in the world. Sure, it affects me mentally and emotionally, but so would...a plethora of other potential problems that do not originate in the mind."

I'm glad you think you know my problems better than I do. It's got nothing to do with self-talk and everything to do with the psychological unfulfillment of not being able to get a partner despite a strong desire to have one. Obviously you've gotta start with changing yourself, but doing so undeniably can change the course of your life and in doing so change your external world to some extent.


That's just a load of crap. You need not comment on this thread again because you and I are never going to see eye to eye if you think you know the source of my problems better than I. I've lived with my problems long enough to know what they are thank you very much. I also love that you'd judge me as self-centred based on a post specifically about my own problems in the haven.

Never ask a question which you don't want to know the answer to.

I've had the same issue with the girlfriend thing, and how unfair it is to me that a lot of my peers are in relationships that have lasted months or even years. And I've only had a few relationships that flame out after a few weeks.

I actually did meet someone, a fellow aspie, a few months ago. Problem is, her parents are extremely hard on her with her behavioral challenges and haven't let us see each other for a while now. Now I'm stuck at this tricky crossroads between still being in love with her, and maybe waiting for her to be released from her parents wrath, and wanting to try to find someone else, which is where this whole "I can't ever find a girlfriend" thing comes back into play.

There's a forum I started on this issue in Love and Dating called "Aspie girlfriend taken away from me by her parents".

What question did I ask exactly? All I was doing was sharing my situation and allowing input from others. But I don't need others telling me what my problems are. Believe me when I say I've done some very thorough introspection over the years and concluded where my problems lie, and I accept that not everyone's depression is like mine, but I do understand my own. Theres nothing intangible about it.

As a teenager I believed what you described about the thoughts and chemical imbalances and all that, but no matter what pills I took, no matter how much I talked to the psychologist, nothing changed. And nothing changed because it's simply impossible for me to be content in a reality where love, dating and having a romantic partner is completely out of my reach. So I realise that the only way forward for me is to work on self-improvement until such a time that women start seeing me as a viable romantic option.

I realise a relationship won't solve every problem in my life, but it would solve my insecurities about not being able to get a relationship and my long-unmet desire to give and receive romantic love and all that it comes with, which would be a very significant leap forward towards contentment. With that achieved and maybe one or two more lingering issues sorted out, I would no longer consider myself depressed, and I believe I'd become emotionally unconstipated because I would be able to feel good about myself and about my life.