I don't want to go home!

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(is my response to going home for thanksgiving break (I'm in the US). I'm in my first semester at college and I love it! But going home for break means I'll be dealing w/ crap I get to avoid here (all revolving around family gatherings).

1. Crowds: my family's to big for me & almost all of them live w/ in a half mile radius of eachother (I hate it); I don't get why gatherings (monthly) & holidays are such a big deal since we cannot avoid eachother (though I can at school ) & many relatives work in my school district (nightmare much... (internal screaming))
2. This year I'm eating w/ my aunt, uncle & her kids rather than just thanksgiving dinner w/ my parents & sibs (gonna be awkward...)
3. Gossip: SHUT UP! (reasoning)
a. Know one in my family (including me) can carry a conversation
b. the air is always very tense if you get my drift
c. conversations are usually gossip about people who work in my district & sick comments by my g-mom about the life skills kids she works w/... really bad
ex. 1: her asking my mother & I why a kid in her class was touching himself... (Look at my "Why I wanted to slap my g-mom in a chinese restaurant" for details)/this one occurred while eating out not w/ the whole family; she asked this b/c the kid is autistic like me (Like I'm the authority on all cases of autism
2. Her comments & gestures comparing one of her female mute black students to a gorilla... (I wanna puke & freakin' weep & killl something! )

This is why I would really like to hurt her as bad as it sounds... but my mom says I cannot discuss this stuff or tell anyone b/c of "family loyalty" (I say "**** family loyalty in this case" ).

How am I supposed to react to this ****?! I feel like I'm gonna lose it...

p.s. very few things make me cry, but this crap, my sensory issues being pushed & laughing at nervous breakdowns makes me wanna freakin' die! I think I need help...

my first thought was 'why should you have any different Thanksgiving than anyone else going home to family?'

well, that was my only thought, actually. Sorry.

Well, there is always the option of saying, "No. I have too much schoolwork to do."

Doesn't provide you any cover at Christmas, but at least it delays the inevitable.

Here's a hint, DON'T GO. If it's that bad just stay at college and leave them, say your sick or something or just tell them the truth.

I would normally go and get the meeting done with and I hate crowds myself and basically me doing that so I could get used to all the crowds which is slowly working in progress which im not scared as much as i used to where I would just literally freak out or hide.

Can I ask? Isit optional to go there? If it is, then just say that you got too much coursework to do and got alot on your mind, it sometimes works for me.

What I would of done if that was me is I would of pretended I got on with them just fine and nothing bothers me, try think of it like that in other words. (Yh that would be pretty hard but at the same time its like a challenge that I would learn myself).

I scream in my pillow if I do ever get so frustrated or punch the pillows without anyone looking, thats apparently how I express my anger but I don't bother tell anyone about it as i feel nobody really understands how i feel about myself.

Have you tried talking to the one you have issues with about this? It might help? Depending on what shes like basically?

To those who advised me to just not go its not an option b/c my campus closes over thanksgiving break (all students have to leave the property period) & unfortunately almost my entire family lives within half a mile of each other/my parents' house (& I've got a good chunck of them on one block ). I don't know how to talk to my g-mom (the main issue) b/c she never listens (alternates btwn calling me stupid & treating me like the miracle worker ) & is a total racist (I've gotta hide that I'm friends w/ jews & stuff...). I am not ashamed of having jewish friends but my g-mom is so awful that I cannot stand hearing her lectures/yelling... plus I don't want to put my friends through unnecessary grief (bad enough I've gotta tell them this stuff as a warning in case a relative ever shows up on campus/never plan to introduce friends to family...)

You may have already tried this, but ask if you can apply for an exception to being allowed to stay on campus. Some campuses do have loopholes, but you have to go hunting for them.

Any chance you can haunt libraries while you're at home? Claim to be studying.