Surviving the Holidays without a relative

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Last year in Nov (day after the Election) my grandfather passed away at his home. His death was first death of a loved one for me and the very first time I ever attended a funeral. I took it ok. But it has been a year and there have been days where I just cry and can't stop. Now that Christmas is almost here I'm feeling worse. I was wondering if anyone else has had someone close to them die especially around the holidays. Also I am planning on attending a seminar through griefshare.org. Has anyone been to certain grief support groups? I never been to one before.

Thanks

Hello, I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather. I've lost my husband, and joined a bereavement group. It doesn't solve all problems, but I've found that having a group that "gets" you does help a bit. A bit like the way the people in this online group get you, for a different thing.
Good luck with your meeting.

I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think you ever get over the loss of a loved one, so don't feel like you have to force yourself to be happy. Grief is a part of life, and it's okay to cry (really, it is). My brother lost his life in a car accident in 2004 and nothing will ever be the same again for my family; we're "broken".

I haven't been to a grief support group, but I went to a general issues support group last year for a weekend. Each person's story was sadder than the last one's, and so many of these "average" people were suicidal. I weeped for a couple of days after I got home, because I was so overwhelmed by the suffering, so in that sense it was cathartic. You just have to accept that this new sadness is a part of who you are now, although it will become a smaller part of you as time moves on.

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband and for the loss of your brother. How did your husband die?

My grandfather was ill with pneumonia and congestive heart failure for 4 years. He was in and out of hospitals and also at physical therapy. He had hospice care at home. He died at home in front of my grandmother. This year would have been their 64th wedding anniversary. My grandfather was 87 years old when he died. He outlived all of his siblings and even his parents. Majority of them passed when they were in their 60s. I still do miss him. My parents and I go visit my grandmother. But it's hard staying at the house because that is where my grandfather died. My grandmother will be 90 in Janurary and she lives alone. I feel sad that she is living alone, but she doesn't want to move in with my aunt or uncle who live nearby. My parents and I live 4 hours away from rest of dad's family.

My husband was 38 and committed suicide nearly 4 months ago. I also had a little brother who committed suicide at 17 four and a half years ago.

That is so awful. I am so sorry. No one should have to go through that. I think suicide "survivors" have a unique pain. I wonder if your husband was slightly influenced by your little brother... So sorry.

Luvsterriers: I think sometimes older people have a harder time moving on. It seems like they just want to wait for their turn to die. (sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be)

Well my cousin's kids had no feelings since they were 2 and 3 years old. They couldn't comprehend what was going on. My cousin's oldest child was 9 year old and she had a few tears. But us adults took it worse. Dad did my grandfather's eulogy and he broke down few times. My grandfather was on so many medications and it totally stressed him out. He wanted to die to end the pain and suffering. He told dad just days before he died. "Life goes by like a twinkle in the eye, but tomorrow I don't have to milk the cows." My grandfather and his siblings grew up on a farm. I still remember that day that my aunt called us. My grandfather was really ill and was on his death bed. This was around Oct 15 2008. Dad went right away to New Jersey, and went there every weekend until my grandfather's death. The bad thing was that some of my mom's relatives were visiting us. They came from Korea. (Mom is Korean, dad is white)

SilentScream (Sorry for the loss of your spouse and brother)

FaithHopeCheese (Sorry for the loss of your brother)

I have decided NOT to attend that grief support seminar on Sunday. I don't think I want to hear others talk about their griefs and what they have gone through and all. Grief is such a sensitive subject. Plus I will actually be seeing these people face to face.

I can understand that. My mom hated grief counseling. When I went to group counseling, at the beginning, the director told us that we all came there looking for one thing but actually we would find something else... He never said what the 'something else' was, but what I found was that it helped to know that I wasn't the only one hurting and some people had suffered through far worse than what I have been through. It didn't really make me feel better, but it gave me perspective. Some things just can't be resolved - they just hurt, because that is the way we were designed. Does that make sense? You can't fix this.....you just have to get through it... Sorry

Grief counseling where you share your thoughts face to face can be helpful but hurt too. You listen what others go through and feel sad for them too. I went to an AA meeting with someone and I felt strange sitting there next to people who I never met and they talked about their issues with alcohol. But the whole thing about sitting in some meeting, talking to strangers about your grief, alcohol issues, divorce problems, etc is just uncomfortable to me. I don't know. I like forums better because it's not face to face.

If I hadn't spent $1,200 on my weekend retreat, I probably wouldn't have stayed. I actually didn't talk a whole lot but sometimes I didn't have a choice. One of the counselors referred to me as 'despondent' when I wasn't around and somebody (a loud mouth) let that slip in front of me. I felt very vulnerable to hear someone say that about me.--- I tried to go to the follow up meetings but when I tried to tell my story it was more like an ugly, crying, outburst and it was really humiliating. Anyway, I don't blame you.

Is your family doing anything special for Christmas? The first year after my brother died my mom bought a tree with blue snow on it and only used blue lights. It was very soothing to look at and helped us to go on with the holiday, without ignoring our loss.

Was your brother younger than you?

My parents and I spend Christmas with dad's family. This will be second Christmas without my grandfather We stay at my grandparents house. It is hard staying there because that is where my grandfather died. We went to the mausoleum during Thanksgiving to pay our respects to my grandfather. I still have visions of my grandfather in his casket. I can't take that away from my mind! I never knew my mom's dad, because he died when mom was still a teenager. I just feel bad and sad because my grandmother lives alone and is going to be 90 soon.

I'm very sorry for your loss of your grandfather, luvsterriers.

Yes, it's always harder around the holidays. That's perfectly understandable. I've lost two older siblings as well as my parents, and what I've found is that it's best not to have any expectations for the holidays to be the same as in the past, but to try new kinds of celebrations, or times or places for celebrations. In my family we always celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve because that was my parents' wedding anniversary as well. After my mom's death, we changed that pattern and tried new times to get together. That helped a lot.

It's also important to me around this time of year to take some separate time to go over memories of past years with those loved ones who are no longer present. I like to look at old photos, and just be really grateful that I had a loving family while growing up. Of course the family we grow up with makes a huge difference in our lives.

After my mom died I also bought myself one of those little teddy bears from a gift store and gave it a nickname she'd had as a girl. I kept it beside my bed on my night table, and when I had a need to cry, I'd hug the teddy bear too. I found it so comforting. It's important not to criticize anything like this that you do as childish. I was 46 when I did that! It helped me a great deal to stay in touch with her memory and work through my feelings.

For me the grief is something to work through. It is work. We tend to avoid tears because they're messy, make our face and eyes red, and so forth. They can even give me a headache. But they have an important cleansing effect. It's important to let sorrow surface now and then, to have those crying times, to acknowledge the pain of loss. That's normal and healthy. Once I've had a good cry, a kind of peace settles over me, and then I move through that back to normal. Until the next time. Crying bouts come fewer and farther between if you're attentive to them. If you hold it all inside instead, it sneaks up on you and that's not so good. I did that after my sister's death -- hers was was the first death in my immediate family, and she was a victim of violence. I thought I was finished grieving after a few weeks, but I wasn't, and some deep depression sneaked up on me over the next three years because I ignored the need to continue working through that grief. (Of course it's different with a violent death than one by natural causes -- I can't explain how, I think only someone who's been there can understand.)

Have you ever read about the stages of grief that were identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross? They might help you understand your crying times.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

Grief, I've found, is something that fades over time, in frequency, but also stays with you to some degree, in small ways, all your life. I think its most important aspect is the impact it has on our memories if we let it -- I like to use my grief to help me keep my fondest memories fresh and alive. They're very important to me, more so the older I get.

No, my brother was four year's older - but since he has been dead for 5 years, I've caught up to him. That's a weird feeling.

I can still remember my brother in the casket. He looked bloated and different. I remember putting my hand on him and it just felt like a scarecrow or something--I mean he felt solid, but something about it made me think he was stuffed with something.

How is your grandmother doing? Do you believe in life after death?

Was your sister murdered by someone she knows? I'm so sorry.
I do look at old pictures of me and my grandfather. I touched the photos of my grandfather and cried. I do sometimes sleep with stuffed animals since it comforts me.

I have heard about the stages of grief as well. I don't think I'm in denial. I know that my grandfather is gone, but I do want him back. I want him to be born again, the same person though, but new healthy body.

I believe that my grandfather is in heaven with the rest of his family.
My grandmother seems to be fine. She teared up a little when she went to the mausoleum a year after my grandfather passed away. She teared up a little during the funeral. She asked my youngest uncle at the funeral if she has to move in with someone. My grandmother is still living in the same house she and my grandfather bought in 1947.

Thanks. Yes, it was a family member -- which made it a multiple tragedy. It was almost 22 years ago though. My more recent losses seem much fresher -- lost my dad just two weeks ago today. He was 86.