Reflection

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I've been doing it alot lately. Its been difficult having a loving heart but no one close by to share it. " What about that girl that you talk to online and game with sometimes?" She lives in Virginia and has a boyfriend that she depends on for support, I'd say she is good where she is. She is more of a little sister to me, rather than girlfriend material. There are some quirks that I don't think I could see myself putting up with for that kind of long distance relationship.

I find that there are two parts to myself, the lively and funny persona who gets along with other people at my best while the other side is a cold loner with an inner rage ( I internalize alot of myself during this period, its my way of coping with it, I try not to take my emotions out on others) towards those who hurt others I care about or me personally at my worst. Considering I was willing to join the military all those years ago and be willing to kill its not that surprising. But it wasn't that, that drove me to try it, though I inevitably failed. I see now that it was just a way to commit honorable suicide by dying in battle or in service. I do not fear death, I'm afraid of living. For I know in death that you are released from everything, hence the quote, " Only the dead have seen the end of war." But to live, well depends on the circumstances of your quality of life. For some living is a torture, for others a beautiful day each day. For me each day is more of the same, I'm a man who was raised that variety was the spice of life. Indeed it was at that time, but now its getting harder to deal with each passing day. Some days are better than others but right now is one of those lulls especially since its the holidays. Thankfully it was a pretty uneventful Christmas, though I could sense that the family was kind of disappointed. Not surprising since we were so used to the big family gathering during Christmas time.

If you've read this far, you might be wondering, " Why are you afraid of living?" Simple, its the same reason I have a hard time with RTS games against people. Against bots you always have a pattern to them, trying to predict people, there are so many possibilities that my head melts down causing me to sink into anxiety which blows up into frustration. I'm afraid of letting people down who count me, I'm afraid of missing that signal they sent and me not getting it. I'm afraid of people getting hurt because of me, something I said or did. Thats what I am afraid of, the possibilities.

I sacrificed my aspirations, my time, possibly even my future so that my brothers could do what they wanted without me getting in the way. It was never about me, I knew that, I live in a time now where my brothers are gone. They have moved to another country and we may never see them for many years. I got used to getting dragged to places by my brothers or to have them be the initiators. When it comes to my friends, all the people who are in friendships with me now, came to me or met me online in a game. They have built a computer for me which I still use to this day, and I'm always around usually when they need that light machine gunner (my favorite role) or Medic (another favorite) in whatever game we play. Though they've gotten me through alot, I can't talk about this kind of stuff with them.

I've seen the absolute worst of humanity and the best thanks to the internet. I've seen some of the worst things ever created, and some of the sweetest. I'm not going to go into detail about what I have seen because I know some people would rather not know. Just know I've seen alot of terrible things, lustful things, etc. But in the end, will I ever have a helper to help me through? I have severe doubts about it, I've seen women at their worst and their best. They can be as sweet as flowers and as demented as any demon. Yet as a man without one its hard to get by, I'm just designed that way. I've watched and seen how relationships develop, why its often best to have female friends you grew up with, but in my case I never did. Sure women have been around in my life, but they didn't stay long. My mom's only regret was not having a little sister for me to grow up with. Would have been interesting for sure but who knows, thats a possibility that didn't manifest.

Bear in mind if you've read this far, this is me reflecting on things that I have been thinking about hence the title. I figure I needed some kind of outlet to talk about it. " Even the very wise, cannot see all ends..."

This is what I am listening to now, the image that comes to my mind is walking wrapped in a dark cloak across a vast desert of ice or snow. At times I am running, at times I am crawling, but ever trudging along through this desert like place....alone.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrJUTAXYJ48[/youtube]

Last edited by Hell-Fox on 29 Dec 2009, 2:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

You're a Splinter Cell fan and I'm a really big Prince of Persia fan (also from Ubisoft). Pity though that I cannot even play games with someone else. I must say that I did see some similarities to myself in your post. I tend to internalise things as well.

That is so true. I just feel my quality of life is terrible and has always been that way. I too wish for companionship, but I guess I wasn't designed to be someone who experiences love, on an intimate level anyway. Sometimes one just feels better writing things down as you did. I do the same in my journal, and even though I know most people (if they were to read it) would never understand, I do feel a piece of me is out there and no longer troubling me within.

In this age, women I think are very cautious. Not surprising considering our era, as such they don't make the first move, or at least its not the norm for women to do so. If they did they would have to be very curious individuals. Unfortunately girls like that are usually scooped up first thing by an assertive man as that is considered a sign of a man who can provide them security. The girl from Virginia being a friend I consider a continuing educational experience. A rough one to be honest, she is even more emotionally sensitive than I am and a lil immature. So it was draining on me more than anything, I had to start avoiding her if I wasn't ready for her emotional stuff. By emotional stuff I mean getting cranky about another one of her friends, she brings it up to me, then I have to talk to her friend about it and be peace maker between the two. It just keeps going between the two because they both have a hard time letting go of stuff, like people, things they did to each other, that sort of thing. I mean on the outside the girl can be a sweetheart, but there is a lot of stuff underneath that she has trouble with.


But yeah personally I don't see a caring woman stumbling along and being interested in me. If anything I'm afraid of being picked up by one of those loud obnoxious types who will then dominate the relationship and become a tyrant due to me being a laid back personality. So there is an inherent fear there as well once again due to the many possibilities. Because you can't judge the whole of a person on what they show you at first, thats just to get your foot in the door. Once you step inside and see all their issues and what have you, then thats the breaking point to see whether or not you can live with em.

I can't provide any girl with that financial security that alot of them crave, only companionship and being the listening ear, which my female friend does when she feels the need. Thats kinda been my role in our little circle, as the Sergeant, the senior member and the guy you could talk to about anything. I take charge only if there is no one else doing so, otherwise I don't push my way on anyone and typically just follow other people or seize the initiative on my own. Of course doing this in a game is alot easier than doing it in relationships.