not doing well

Post Reply New Topic

I've been feeling awful lately, completely useless. I feel trapped in my situation and I'm just wasting time that I'll never get back doing nothing. I feel backed into a corner, I don't know how I am going escape. There is a sense of impeding doom on the horizon, I feel like I'm going to get thrown in jail or something awful like that will happen. I worry about things and get super paranoid, it just feels like a heaviness in my chest all day. I had somewhat of breakthrough tonight tho, I've always found it exceptionally hard to ask for help but I found the courage to bring it up so I might get some help now, I dunno what will come of it but I feel good that I at least was able to say it since I was afraid I would chicken out and I knew it would kill me for days if I didn't.

I'm 22 and not doing much of anything. No job prospects, no school, no nothing. I have my brothers but they're not what I'd call friends, I hang out with them but their dumbness fuels my paranoia that I'll get caught up in their BS. I feel like if I don't get out of this house then I'll never be able to do anything but if I want to get out of this house I have to. Over the years I've become more isolated, I can barely talk to my parents anymore it seems. I use to have a friend from back in the day that I'd confide in but we haven't spoken in a few years now, last I heard he was addicted to heroin. I always felt like my friendship to him was way more important to me than it was him and I guess I was right. That still bothers me a lot since I felt like we were pretty close and it ended abruptly and without explanation but I've given up on it, I can't change other people. It's been tough, I've moved all the way across the country since but it seems like the more things change the more they seem the same. I'm working with DVR again, they're being more helpful this time than they were when I was 18 but I don't have high hopes. It's such an effort to pull yourself together and do anything, even if I was able to achieve normal status how long could I really maintain it? I just just want to get out of this damn house and get some space from my family.

Whatever, I got to go to bed.

I'm glad you brought it up so you can maybe get help. And talking about it here, too.

Can I take a wild guess? It sounds to me like you've reached a place in life where you've got to turn a corner, as it were. Can't stay the way things are. The 'doom' might be for the thing(s) that will have to be left behind, whether physical or emotional.

You've started on a good path - please let us know how you go. All my best to you.

Thank you for the encouragement, I really appreciate it.

I think the 'doom' is a bit more tangible than that, I seize on some really irrational fears that have just a sliver of truth sometimes but I've always been a person that freak myself out thinking about the worst case scenario. I definitely agree that I need to make a change tho, I feel like I've gotten to the point where either I will turn that corner or things will get significantly worse and I don't know how I could live with it if it did.

I haven't been able to sleep well lately, I can't get to sleep and I wake up after only a couple hours when I do. My chest felt fluttery almost from the second I woke up this morning, my heart was just pounding laying here in bed. I get up, pace back and forth and I start crying and I can't even control it. This is the worst I've been I think, I feel like things are finally boiling over.

I usually am able to distract myself when feelings like this creep in, sink into my interests and other worlds and forget about myself. I'm a much more sick person than I let on even to myself I think, I repress everything and avoid anything that might stress me which leaves me with almost nothing. The things I use to distract myself aren't there anymore, either my interest has faded or I'm no longer able to pursue them like use to. It seems like everything goes to crap eventually, I don't really even have any online friends anymore either. I've put so much distance between myself and others, it causes me so much anxiety talking to people about myself and seeking help almost about anything. Do other people here feel that way? Or is that just the cherry on top for me? I've always been this way too, as long as I can remember. I don't ask for help but that doesn't make me independent like I may of rationalized it before, I'm still wholly dependent. I've been trying to be less guarded and more open lately, online at least but hopefully IRL soon.