Have You Ever Felt Like This Before?
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I wrote this as a personal message to someone today:
NeantHumain wrote:
In this desperation, which is so extremely strong today, I recognize the monstrously bad effects the empty passage of time is having on me.
Today I can't concentrate enough to study for my sociology test tomorrow; I'm going to try again after exercising.
The resentment is building from years of exclusion with my active efforts to fix my predicament. I am frightened of the imagery popping up in my mind, frightened because of what I don't want to do and from the urges this imagery illicits. The fact that my arm trembles when I pick up my water bottle, the worry that accompanies that, the willpower I must exert now.
The sadness, the tears welling up in my eyes as I try to study, thinking about how I've let you down from my own mishandling of the predicament.
I feel something of the beast overwhelming me. It knows the absolute deprivation I've experienced. It demands one thing: retribution. It does not know mercy. It only wants to assert itself over those who have blighted me with an instinctual tour de force. I hope not to reckon with it.
My heart, with an unmet need for love, is in danger of being poisoned. The beast wants to fill it instead with hatred: a primal urge to annihilate.
Such is my despair.
Today I can't concentrate enough to study for my sociology test tomorrow; I'm going to try again after exercising.
The resentment is building from years of exclusion with my active efforts to fix my predicament. I am frightened of the imagery popping up in my mind, frightened because of what I don't want to do and from the urges this imagery illicits. The fact that my arm trembles when I pick up my water bottle, the worry that accompanies that, the willpower I must exert now.
The sadness, the tears welling up in my eyes as I try to study, thinking about how I've let you down from my own mishandling of the predicament.
I feel something of the beast overwhelming me. It knows the absolute deprivation I've experienced. It demands one thing: retribution. It does not know mercy. It only wants to assert itself over those who have blighted me with an instinctual tour de force. I hope not to reckon with it.
My heart, with an unmet need for love, is in danger of being poisoned. The beast wants to fill it instead with hatred: a primal urge to annihilate.
Such is my despair.
Ladysmokeater
Veteran
Joined: 21 Oct 2005
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,048
Location: North of Atlanta, South of Boston, East of the Mississippi, and West of the Atlantic
NeantHumain wrote:
I feel something of the beast overwhelming me. It knows the absolute deprivation I've experienced. It demands one thing: retribution. It does not know mercy. It only wants to assert itself over those who have blighted me with an instinctual tour de force. I hope not to reckon with it.
My heart, with an unmet need for love, is in danger of being poisoned. The beast wants to fill it instead with hatred: a primal urge to annihilate.
Such is my despair.
My heart, with an unmet need for love, is in danger of being poisoned. The beast wants to fill it instead with hatred: a primal urge to annihilate.
Such is my despair.
What this reminds me of is a tale from Arabian Nights book, I'll sum it up: Genie is set free from bottle by random man on beach. Genie says "I'm gonna' kill you", man says "Why punish me, I set you free". Genie explains that after 1000 yrs. of being stuck in bottle he'd vowed to reward whomever released him, but no one did. After 2,000 years genie vowed he'd reward even more lavishly person who freed him, and so on...Genie finishes this litany with how angry he was after 10,000 years of waiting that he vowed he'd strike dead immediately the man who set him free.
Not so surprising for the response of "Please, I want to be your friend" when rejected can turn, over time, into "I feel resentment & bitterness towards you". Positive feeling can seem to curdle/rot/go bad/turn sour when left unexpressed, or unshared. It's a cruddy situation to be in, sorry I've no comforting wisdom.
It's easy to be patient when your needs are getting met, but the more deprived one feels the more depraved one may become. Example is myself, when I've been single & hadn't close friends nor professional help. When I've been isolated I'd be desperate for contact, but less friendly-feeling. I'd feel so extreme, either grateful for any scrap of attention/affection. etc. or upset at not getting "enough". I'd veer back & forth between wanting to kiss or kick certain folks, still have "all-or-nothing" tendency in my reactions.
Awhile ago I read your haven thread about needing connection with the world. I thought it was very eloquent, well put into words. I felt bad for you, figured no point in my saying that though. I'm glad that writing/posting sometimes works to get you (or anyone) through unpleasant experiences/current realities. I say "I can't do this, I hate this & it's horrible", can't hide my distress so I try to just get it out in words. I usually talk my way through stuff that's too much for me, I'm fortunate to have (at last) a support network. Hadn't much connection to others back when I was in college, felt much then as you do now.
_________________
*"I don't know what it is, but I know what it isn't."*
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