feeling like a sham again.

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I may be on the autistic spectrum, but I am not an aspie...
I am an ADDer/PDD-nos person at best.
I am not smart enough to be an aspie. My routines are not rigid enough...
My sensory issues are not severe enough. (they were moreso when I was younger)..
I am sometimes able to be social...especially when I have been drinking
I was social last night after the chocolate martinis kicked in
Sometimes I feel like my whole personality is an act that I am unable to snap out of...because there is no place to go.
One of my new years resolutions is to not be so obsessed with the autistic spectrum.
I am a hypochondriac. I have only managed to brainwash myself and trick others..
The lady who assessed me and said that she thought I was definitely an aspie was just diagnosis-happy.
I need serious tests to ever really know for sure. I wouldn't mind even having a head scan to see if I really did have head trauma.

A person can be descended from engineers and people with autistic traits...
A person can stim and pace and rock and walk around on the balls of their feet..
A person can have circular non-productive activities that they do over and over again
A person can have meltdowns
A person can have obsessions....
A person can have difficulty talking to people and a tendency to freeze up or become rude when they are overwhelmed

A person can have all these traits and more and still not be an aspie...

I recently disclosed to a few people that I was on the spectrum...now I have the parinoia that they watch me to see if I will break character.

There are enough co-morbids possible to legitimately explain anything like that, so I do not concern myself with what other people might think if I might not always act exactly like they might expect or think I should.

...especially since I don't really know how they think i should act.

There are some people who I am very comfortable around, or at least semi-comfortable around...and I can interact with them with relative ease...while there are others who I go completely blank around..and can seem downright hostile if I have been affected by them in a wrong way...

I sometimes doubt my diagnosis, and sometimes I think I may also have add. I used to not be able to not hang out with anyone with ease except my wife . I would look people in the face and panic and not know what to say. I also had a really messed up childhood and wasn't raised properly and I have sometimes wondered if it's just that. Now I am desirous to become more social, though still not lacking for paranoia. I'm good at small talk. I can even learn some body language I have discovered. As I advance in certain areas I sometimes cringe because I feel like I'm loosing my Aspie identity.But I'm a big stimmer and always have been and always obsessed with certain things and subjects though sometimes my attention span is short..

The thing about autism is that its a spectrum, a range of activities, so there is a lot diversity within our own ranks. People with Asperger's can also grow, and change, and become more adept at some things they weren't before. There are a lot of complex identity issues at play.

It also isn't true, I think, that you're either a sham and no Aspie at all or an Aspie and no sham at all. Why couldn't it be possible that your Aspie traits are amplified by having the AS label put on you? Like the previous posters said, autism is a continuum, and knowing you're on that continuum could influence your behavior (both consciously and unconsciously) so as to place you a bit higher on the continuum. With mental disorders in particular there seems to be a complex interaction between the disorder itself and the identity which the disorder generates for its sufferers,

Thanks for this!

Very well said... I do believe you are correct.

I did not seek out an autism spectrum message board because I was looking for a bandwagon to jump on, and I certainly never intended to become so addicted...

Sometimes I feel as though the whole thing has drilled a hole deep into my brain.

I think calling yourself a sham is a little harsh , like others said its called a spectrum for a reason. Its true that most aspies are of above average intelligence though not all. This is a journey, if you do not have an obsessive quality and suspect ADD that doesnt mean you are a sham I suspect many diagnosed aspies are not , I am even reconsidering my sons diagnosis as he has no clear and single obsession. The point is you interact with the world differently and are socially challenged in a way no pill or counseling can fix , its important for people around you to understand this so they don't misunderstand your intentions or wrongly judge you .

I don't think an "Aspie obsession" is necessary for a diagnosis (but it's very nearly sufficient).

He is loosley diagnosed AS/dyspraxia/tourettes and clearly on the spectrum but his stuff is more obsessive compulsive. The point I am trying to make is that Aspies are so complex many of us question our right to use this to describe ourselves . I have gone back and forth and each time the reality of having aspergers is further confirmed , I have also feared I was claiming something untrue and was just plain autistic but am daily reminded that I am simply on the wrong planet so to speak .

And to you poopylungstuffing> I watched some of your videos you are an interesting person and have a great voice you should do voiceovers. Watching you do a tour of your compost piles made me want a video camera to do the same.

It is just something I will always go in circles on....
I have had the affirmative opinions of professionals....I have been severely addicted to WP for years...I have daily struggles with social interactions..and all kinds of other stuff...
I really should learn to comfortably accept it..

So what if I can do some things that others on the spectrum can't...there are plenty things that others on the spectrum can do that I can't


and regarding my voice...singing has been a major thing with me since I was very little.
I talk-sing a lot of the time.
I auditioned once to do voiceovers for anime cartoons, and I was the only one from my preliminary audition to make the callbacks, but I totally flubbed the second audition...I do badly under pressure.

Perhaps taking some acting classes may help you to find confidence. I know this sounds daunting but when I was a teen I did a theater project, I ended up playing a drunken homophobic father throwing his queer son out, that was one of the hardest things Ive done in my life. I used my tactic for dealing with crowds and made the audience disappear , I used this skill in the future to do science shows for up to 300 people (on a stage no one is near you ) if you do it right its like talking to yourself .

I have done a little theater...I have had people express interest in me on the basis of my voice...but the place I auditioned for would have been more trouble than it's worth, anyhow. I really do stammer a lot. Anyway, I have been performing on stage since I was young...I was in drama in High School. I was Agnes in Agnes of god, and my drama teacher pretty much picked out the play with the intention of havng me play the part. I was in a couple of musicals...I would have gone out for more, but I have been running a venue for the last almost-7 years...and that takes up all my time.....I used to be kinda obsessed with wanting to act. My big hobby was memorizing monologues from books of monologues. I would also audition for parts in plays whenever I could...I was really awkward, chubby and boyish...but I managed to make a few people laugh...